Reply To: Don’t Feel

#22282
AvatarJeff Harding
PSTEC User

Hi Jeff,

I read through all of the intro material and started working with the basic track on being afraid of feeling my emotions.

Then I went to the positive track with feeling safe with my emotions.

Let me backtrack here for a moment.

All of my life I have taken care of myself.

I have been the Lone Ranger in a lot of ways.

As far as other people are concerned, it has always been about doing for them.
If I keep them happy I won't get hurt. Yeah, right!

Part of the work that I have been doing is getting in touch with that little kid that ran away and hid a long time ago.
I have been able to connect with him a certain amount.

When I ask him what he wants he let's me know that he wants to just be held like he never was as a kid.
One of the things that I have been looking for is the same thing.

I'm tired of being strong.
I'm tired of having to have all of the answers.
I just want to be held for a while.
Maybe I'll laugh and maybe I'll cry.
I want to be able to be vulnerable.
I want to reach out to others when I hurt.
I want to feel accepted and safe.

A couple of days ago I was talking to a female friend of mine and her husband about the wanting to be held like my little kid wanted.I wasn't asking her to do it.
I was just telling her what I was looking for.

She suggested that I try and hold my little kid myself.

I went very cold and left a few minutes later.

When I got home I realized that I was furious.

I am finally allowing myself to be vulnerable and reach out to someone else and I am told to do it myself!!???

I've done for myself all my life because it never felt OK to reach out.

Now I reach out and get THAT reaction!

%^*&(#%$&&!!!

I was livid.

Then I realized that I was livid and that felt great!

I'm feeling….

A part of me wants to tap that away and a part of me wants to keep it.

It doesn't feel great but it IS a feeling.

Part of me is afraid that if I tap it away I will go back to numb.
Part of me knows that it's not true.

I WILL tap it away and do more with the positive tracks.

Here is the crazy thing about it all.

I am no longer sure what I am angry about.

Is it about her response or am I angry at myself for putting myself in such a vulnerable position.

Here goes the mind playing with the mind again. Yes, I know the crass name for that.

It's time to tap that out and do more positive tracks.

Ideas, comments and/or suggestions are very welcome.

Are we having fun yet?

Russ