Reply To: Don’t Feel

Forums › General Discussions and Specific Issues › Rating Intensity of Feelings, SUDS, Trouble Feeling Emotions › Don’t Feel › Reply To: Don’t Feel

June 28, 2011 at 2:25 am#22282
Jeff Harding
PSTEC User

    Hi Jeff,

    I read through all of the intro material and started working with the basic track on being afraid of feeling my emotions.

    Then I went to the positive track with feeling safe with my emotions.

    Let me backtrack here for a moment.

    All of my life I have taken care of myself.

    I have been the Lone Ranger in a lot of ways.

    As far as other people are concerned, it has always been about doing for them.
    If I keep them happy I won't get hurt. Yeah, right!

    Part of the work that I have been doing is getting in touch with that little kid that ran away and hid a long time ago.
    I have been able to connect with him a certain amount.

    When I ask him what he wants he let's me know that he wants to just be held like he never was as a kid.
    One of the things that I have been looking for is the same thing.

    I'm tired of being strong.
    I'm tired of having to have all of the answers.
    I just want to be held for a while.
    Maybe I'll laugh and maybe I'll cry.
    I want to be able to be vulnerable.
    I want to reach out to others when I hurt.
    I want to feel accepted and safe.

    A couple of days ago I was talking to a female friend of mine and her husband about the wanting to be held like my little kid wanted.I wasn't asking her to do it.
    I was just telling her what I was looking for.

    She suggested that I try and hold my little kid myself.

    I went very cold and left a few minutes later.

    When I got home I realized that I was furious.

    I am finally allowing myself to be vulnerable and reach out to someone else and I am told to do it myself!!???

    I've done for myself all my life because it never felt OK to reach out.

    Now I reach out and get THAT reaction!

    %^*&(#%$&&!!!

    I was livid.

    Then I realized that I was livid and that felt great!

    I'm feeling….

    A part of me wants to tap that away and a part of me wants to keep it.

    It doesn't feel great but it IS a feeling.

    Part of me is afraid that if I tap it away I will go back to numb.
    Part of me knows that it's not true.

    I WILL tap it away and do more with the positive tracks.

    Here is the crazy thing about it all.

    I am no longer sure what I am angry about.

    Is it about her response or am I angry at myself for putting myself in such a vulnerable position.

    Here goes the mind playing with the mind again. Yes, I know the crass name for that.

    It's time to tap that out and do more positive tracks.

    Ideas, comments and/or suggestions are very welcome.

    Are we having fun yet?

    Russ