Reply To: My ultimate fear: rejection
Using just long range empathy and reading between the lines of your posts, I might be wrong, but it seems to me that prior to the kindergarten incident there might have been some other incidents that had lesser impact on you. These lesser incidents might not even be able to be recalled by you. However things built up to the explosion of emotions that you have remembered so clearly. My impression is that they were probably something to do with your parents and you not getting the support and love that you needed at the time, but more put-downs and put-offs, which to you felt like rejection. Does any of this feel right to you? If so… more things to Click on. If not, apologies for this “red herring”.
I actually did recall a memory of when I was young. I don't know if it was a dream or not, but I remember I was small enough to be in my crib, so I was maybe a toddler? I was laying in the crib and for some reason, no one else was in the house. I was scared and sad because no one was coming for me even though I was crying. I did CT on this memory and I got the intensity down from like a 9 to a 2. It was a mix of fear and sadness.
I have other little snips of memories like that actually. I remember an unrelated incident of being pleased about finding a way to get OUT of the crib so I could go find my mom, but I don't remember what happened once I got myself out and onto the floor.
I feel like a lot of stress has been lifted off of my shoulders since CTing on some these incidents but now I'm finding the fear and stress is being replaced by sadness and really negative self-talk. I just have a voice in my head that tells me how flat out horrible, disgusting, and despicable I am. My friends are always telling me how sweet and beautiful I am but I just get the thought in my head that they're lying to me, even though it makes no sense for my friends to lie to me about how they feel about me.
I'm actually having a hard time with finding things to CT on when I ask myself, “Well, what other moments in my life made me feel these things?” and my brain seems to respond, “There's too many times, there's too much!” and I just sit and cry instead because I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy with myself.