Reply To: About feeling emotions/ not feeling emotions
wanderThank you for your reply, Peter
You really nailed it regarding my childhood. I had a step father that always yelled and was always angry. I was always afraid of him and when my mother was at work I did all I could not to be in the same room as him. He is an old man now, but still I feel the same fear if he gets angry now, the way I was afraid when I was a kid.
He was also really bad at cooking, so I always tried to avoid eating what ever he made.
When I was a child I could go a whole day without eating just to avoid eating grose food. To this day I don't eat leftovers, because it was lot of that when I grew up and sometimes the food was sour or had been warmed up too many times so it was just grose.
I guess my overweight has something to do about hiding too. If I am unattractive no one will try to like me and I don't have to deal with relationships. At the same time I want to be slim and fit and look good, because I like attentions too. Once I lost almost 30Kg and I felt so good. But I started to eat cakes and candy again and got all the 30kg back.
(When I was 6, 7 or 8 years old I experienced two incidents of sexual “something” (one time an elder boy took my clothes off and pretended to have sex with me, he had his clothes on. And one time an elder boy fondled me outside my panties), and I don't think of them often. I didn't even think of it as sexual abuse until a psychiatrist used the words.)
Yes, my parents didn't have much money when we grew up, but they both had jobs, so we had everything we needed. Not in abundance, but enough to get by. I remember always hearing “we can't afford that”, so I guess that is a mantra I have taken with me.
When it comes to the emotional. When I grew up I was “known for” being angry, but I was hurt and had to pretend to be angry or else they would tease me for being a wimp.
At the same time, my mother was always tired and I took care of my two younger siblings. Made dinner for them and made sure they got up in the morning at go to school and go to bed at night etc.
My parents divorced when I was about 3 years old and I didn't have any contact with my father. I guess I have some abandonment issues too.
I have a lot to click away… I hope you could help me with a plan – where to start, how to continue and so on. And my most pressing issue is “the thing with the money” (as I see it anyway)