Reply To: Women, Rejection and Beauty
It sounds like you have some deeper programming going on here. I would suggest you take some big steps back first and look at your mother/father and/or lack thereof. I'm taking a wild guess here (don't like to assume) but i suspect there are some things going on from your childhood at the core here. Were your parents divorced, what was the story with your mom/dad/stepmom/stepdad and/or lack of any parents etc. Did you have a controlling mother and a passive father (or absent father either emotionally or physically) Then you would want to look at your past relationships.
Betrayed because i lack hope that women have their own individuality and naturally they're going to follow what's in their best natural interests (the man nearest the top of the dominance hierarchy). Also I get continuous evidence for this shit.
Again slow this all down and CT each piece.
How can I change my situation?
I also get the feeling you could have some extensive “codependent” (thoughts, feelings, behaviours) programming including passivity, avoiding, rejection, abandonment etc. Look there as well.
Clearing any feelings of anger, rage, hatred, resentment, betrayal, frustration and impatience – especially towards women – can give you some tremendous relief. I would again suggest looking back as far as you can remember here, starting with your parent(s).
Most of what you mentioned is true.
Over bearing codependent mother that made me extremely dependent on people.
Abscent, passive and avoiding father that was totally disconnected from his feelings.
I can't help to be both ways, my inner emotional guidance only knows both paths.
I don't know what healthy is on an experiential level.
This made me an outsider and rejected a lot by people, a loser.
And trying to be any other way just feels fake. Not being codependent on people feels like an act and people pickup on that. Like if I don't be codependent or avoidant I am overcompensating. It's a lose lose situation and a living nightmare.
I try to tap on these things but my capacity to generate emotions thru visualization is 3/10 compared to real life experiences.