Reply To: Women, Rejection and Beauty
Most of what you mentioned is true.
Over bearing codependent mother that made me extremely dependent on people.
Abscent, passive and avoiding father that was totally disconnected from his feelings.
I can't help to be both ways, my inner emotional guidance only knows both paths.
I don't know what healthy is on an experiential level.
This made me an outsider and rejected a lot by people, a loser.
And trying to be any other way just feels fake. Not being codependent on people feels like an act and people pickup on that. Like if I don't be codependent or avoidant I am overcompensating. It's a lose lose situation and a living nightmare.
I try to tap on these things but my capacity to generate emotions thru visualization is 3/10 compared to real life experiences.
Ok Truman – this is great, what clicktracks do you have besides the free basic tracks?
Let us know so I might suggest some ways for you to get focused.
“I don't know what healthy is on an experiential level.”
This is the beauty of PSTEC. You don't have to know anything IMO. It's all about what you feel and what you want. If you don't like what is in your present model of reality and/or it does not feel JEEP to you then it is fair game to clear it out. I can assure you that your model of reality will change to match it once it's gone within you.
Over bearing codependent mother that made me extremely dependent on people. Abscent, passive and avoiding father that was totally disconnected from his feelings.
I had the same. I would say my stepmother was narcissistic, high control with OCD and my father was dependent with narcissistic programming in there. Completely emotionally unaware, invalidated etc. and as a kid how could I know any of this? I wasn't aware of this sort of stuff. This was just how it was growing up. There wasn't anything different. It just was.
This is normal in society though the undesired model of reality and behaviors you developed as a result are playing more extensively in your present reality than you are conscionsly aware of. And that's ok. What matters is that you are aware you want change within and have the desire and drive to do so. You are doing it.
As far as codependent/narcissitic, borderline, avoidant, OCD etc. I tend not to give much attention to these lables. Why? I find people can be a hybrid of these various “personality disorders” and so I do not look at them as any types of labeled disorder. That's how the medical world looks at it and tries to explain it.
It's all a big ball of programming wired in us to protect us and/or recreate our past to keep us safe.
From my alternative viewpoint, they are normal to the person who has them, they have lived this way all their life as a subconscions means to protect themselves. They don't see these things as good or bad because they really can't see them at all. To them they are normal. To an outsider who doesn't have them they seem abnormal. The same goes for everyone. We all have various aspects of these “disorders” running in us to protect us form the past. Repressed anger, unresolved emotional trauma, passivity, fears of of criticism, rejection, abandonment etc. and all sorts of various ego needs are completely normal for everyone.