Reply To: Forum Case Study – Avoidant Personality Disorder APD
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AvPD Exercise #2 Completed
I started the exercise on July 23 – nearly a month ago now. I was much more forgiving of myself in general throughout the process this time. More able to accept myself not being “perfect” with it, and trusting the process. That in itself is a massive improvement for me. I also have noticed much more awareness in general of what is going on in my thoughts.
Anything in quotation marks below is directly quoted from my notebook.
Monday 23 July
- EEF CT on my character/potential being fixed. Started at a 10, got down to ~1 at the end of the 3rd run through.
- 2x Beliefs Blastered re Change
- Long relax accel. at bed – fell asleep
Tuesday 24 July
- Short relax accel. at 08:00 – “just trying to feel comfortable for the day”
- Then nothing til 20:00 (after work) 4x Beliefs Blasted on Change
- Short relax accel. “imagining awesomeness” – this was the best imagining of success I had had, very positive, very enjoyable
- I did one more Change belief later, around 00:00
I made a note here about “Realized (for me) there is a difference between saying the belief in my mind vs thinking the belief – 1st involves breath, almost like silent speaking, and the second does not. Second seems to take much more effort and seems to be more effective” – does anyone have any comments/thoughts on this?
Wednesday 25 July
Thursday 26 July
- 2x Beliefs Blasted re Change
Friday 27 July
- Tried to start at ~18:45, procrastinated/avoided for 2.5 hours
- EEF CT re Powerless/victim
- My notes for the Ct “Didn't really feel anything, avoided thinking thoughts, didn't focus, didn't fucking do it basically”
- That was it for the day
Saturday 28 July
- “Woke up ~06:50, vaped, depressed, anxious, thoughts racing, wrote that
> (~2 pages of free-flowing notes, see below)”
- This is deeply personal, but sharing it seems necessary, and I don't have anyone else really… here are the 2 pages that came out when I woke: “I am so paralyzed by fear I can't do anything. Fear and apathy – like, what's the fucking point? I´m too fucked up and I have so many deep and complicatedly interconnected issues I will never do the work I need to – I've always managed to get away with it, always just avoided things and run away, I can't do anything unless I´m trapped and forced to. I sometimes think it might be possible, but then reality rears it's ugly head, or I get some shit turn up and I´m back to square 1, or worse. Look at me, fat and disgusting again, wasting my life waiting for someone to notice me, to be interested in me, to care about me, to want me, to love me. All the while wrecking what I have and pushing everyone away. Like right now, writing and wallowing in self pity, avoiding my obligations, any fucking excuse will do, i don't care, as long as it gets me out of things and doesn't look like it's my fault. I don't even know if it is my fault or not anyone. I´m not too sure of anything except I´m a fucking pussy loser waste of space, I´m lazy and worthless and I constantly disappoint and let people down.
“Smile and be happy” (referencing a note I put on the front cover of my notebook) what a fucking joke. What the fuck for?! What is there to smile & be happy about? I´m completely trapped in a loveless marriage, I´ve wasted every lucky break and opportunity, & & I´ll never fucking change. They'll all leave me & hate me anyway. No-one wants to spend time with me, no-one cares, or if they do it's only because I´ve fooled them, manipulated them, lied & twisted things so they pity me.
I deserve all the shit I get. The world isn't fair, and I´m just going to get older & more alone, more depression, more despair. I´ll get found out as a fraud, as a monster, and eventually they'll all be happy when I´m dead. I get restless, I have to run away. I have to hide. I don't want to be seen or noticed, & yet I so desperately want to be seen & noticed & loved.
Every time something positive happens I don't believe it's real at all, I´ve just been successful in deceiving someone or cheating somehow, & sooner or later I'll be back”
- “then [son's name] came to hang, played connect 4, checkers, [wife's name] woke at 11:30…. fell asleep 12:00-15:30”
- Tapping accel: “mum hitting me (when I was bad), not loving me, not caring about me, ignoring me, not available for me”
- EEF CT: “as above, not being loved, (mum) making me fat, making me get attention only through bad behaviour, only [maternal grandmother who lived with us and did a lot to raise me] loved me & then she died”
- EEF CT: Here I blended the Powerless/victim part of the AvPD exercise from Brian (from the day before) with personal themes in line with the work I had just done): “being stuck, things are how they are, I´ll never change, marriage/finances/fatness/work will never change, any improvement is luck/circumstance/temporary”
- 8x beliefs on Powerless/victim from Brian
- Additional 1x belief that was very similar to something from Brian, but specifically around being a victim of rich/wealthy people
- Short relax accel
- Then in the evening – 2x beliefs on Shame/hatred from Brian
- Long relax accel at bedtime – fell asleep
Quite the day! I also chose this day to finish vaping 😮
Sunday 29 July
Woke up and cracked on with the belief work from Brian
- 9x beliefs on Shame/hatred
- 1x belief on Worth
I then really wanted to try and get some positivity into my head, but honestly I´m so unsure of myself (in this and in general in life – like I need permission to do anything for myself, even if I know what to do… even if I clearly know MORE about what I should do than anyone else… totally related to past lives… I will start a forum thread about that later today (I didn't forget you Tomas!))
I did the following with Positive Quantum Turbo (taken from a very useful post somewhere here in forums):
- I´ll always remember everything as I´m safe with PSTEC now
- PSTEC releases bad emotions faster and easier all the time now
- It's absolutely safe to achieve all of my goals now
Monday 30 July
- 1x belief on Worth
- My own belief – “If they had caught me they would have ruined my life
- Another – “If they found me they would have hurt me”
- EEF CT on “going to the gym, not being good enough (at the gym), being fat, failing (there are framed before/after “transformation” pictures on the wall at the gym – I am one of them from last year, so “failing” relates to this), sweaty, [older brothers name] came up -> (him) being better, (me) not being as physically capable, always being in his shadow… started at 9/10 -> 6/10 – do more later, GO TO GYM NOW!” – and I went to the gym, where I hadn't been for around a year (as a certified personal trainer, and if you saw my instagram account promoting myself as such… that is awful!)
- Long relax accel @ bedtime, feel asleep
Very interesting to note: I was terrified about going back to the gym. Not being welcome. Being ridiculed. When I went, it was… fine. Actually, it was quite good! I had decided to go easy on myself, knowing that I wouldn't be able to train anywhere near as hard/heavy as I was previously. I reduced the previous weights to around 75%… and actually I ended up reducing them even more – AND I DIDN'T BEAT MYSELF UP ABOUT IT. That is amazing!
Tuesday 31 July
- 3x beliefs on Worth
Wednesday 1 Aug
- No PSTEC, but went to gym.
Thursday 2 August
- 2x beliefs on Worth from the exercise
- Struggling with the vaping/nicotine and knowing I needed to work on emotions and beliefs around it, I made this post https://pstecforum.com/pf/miscellaneous-and-other-topics/looking-for-suggestions-to-stop-vaping/
Friday 3 August
- Intended to do 2x beliefs for Worth but didn't
- Went to the gym
Saturday 4 August
Tried again to do the 2x beliefs from the previous day, didn't again.
Sunday 5 – Friday 10 August
No PSTEC at all. Went to the gym Monday and Wednesday. Not Friday or Saturday as planned.
Saturday 11 August
- 3x beliefs on Worth
- 7x beliefs on Love
Sunday 12 August
- 4x Stop Smoking specific CT
- Stop smoking hypnosis track
- I took a break to grab some food, and suddenly my wife and kids were in the bedroom (my only “safe space” and where I do most of the CT / BB work) and I I just lost it internally. I don't know, I cannot describe it. I had to leave the house, I just grabbed my bicycle and went out, I hadn't showered or anything, i just had to go. Went to a cafe/bar on the boardwalk and ordered a pint and started writing in my notebook:
- “What the fuck just happened? I feel so trapped & with nothing for myself. No time, no space, no opportunity to work on what's important for me & also what I´m expected to work on to continue to support those ungrateful fucks. They don't appreciate or understand me at all. [REDACTED this part because it's not fair on my wife to post it publicly]
What should we do? Separate? Struggle through? I don't know, I can't be sure. To be sure I have to clear all the noise and fear. All the shit and negativity. And that's what I´m trying to do – when they give me time! What I´m working on, between working that fucking job I hate, being at home where it's uncomfortable, having no friends, no family, & no fun, trying to fix myself, improve the situation for us all, improve myself… and I have to fucking carry her still. I´m tired of carrying her, fuck.
So why did I get pissed off? Because I feel like I have nothing for me, that I won't be able to fix myself, that I have to fix everything now, I have to fix EVERYTHING. Any maybe I won't be able to. That she'll hold me back. being married holds me back. Having kids holds me back. I can't do what I want because I´m a husband and a father. I can't have friends because I´m a husband and a father. I´m not allowed to do anything for myself because I´m a husband and a father. It doesn't matter what happens, I'll never be happy being married. I´ll never have excitement or adventure. I´ll never make new friends. My life is not my own. Once I became married and a parent my life was no longer my own. I got mad because they were in my space, the only place I was comfortable, that I felt safe to work on myself.
What don't I like about my life right now? I´m fat, I´m trapped, I´m lonely, I have no control, I have no direction, I´m stuck, I´m lost, I´m broken, I´m weird, i´ll never fit in, I can't just let go and enjoy anything, I´m constantly in my head, I never do what I need to do to improve my situation, I never stick to anything, I never finish anything, I never follow through.”
- I then wrote 1.5 pages of positive beliefs I could install now, another 1 page of additional beliefs to blast around food and junk food, and underlined the underlined items from above notes – but I never did anything with those and I don't know why I keep avoiding them when clearly those are major issues. I feel like I know what to do but I can't do it.
- BB “I was an addict”
- BB “Getting rid of one addiction meant I took up another”
- BB “Being free from addictions was impossible”
(Thanks to Paul for the above suggestions in my vaping post thread!)
- BB “Junk food and alcohol had been special treats” – related to my childhood/teen years, I think many people have this kind of belief, and obviously not helpful.
- Long relax accel. and sleep
Monday 13 August
- 3x beliefs re Love
- short relax accel
Tuesday 14 August
- No PSTEC.
Wednesday 15 August
- 6x beliefs on love
Thursday 16 August
- 2x beliefs on Acceptance/Approval
Friday 17 August
- 5x beliefs on Acceptance/Approval
- Wrapper around “Things that make me feel ASHAMED”
- LONG 2015 on “Things that make me feel ASHAMED”
- Long relax accel. at bedtime, fell asleep
Sat 18 August (Today)
So… I ended up including some VERY personal things there. I hope that by writing all this out I might get the help I clearly need.
What's very interesting for me is that I CAN SEE my issues, and can come up with solutions or at least possibilities for things to work on (as shown by the underlined section of the second long notebook quote above)… but I just don't do it.
In fact, I don't do things for myself very much. I don't take care of myself. If I can, I won't leave the house, change my clothes, shower, or even brush my teeth. for days. I have gained weight during this process – the comfort eating, and also that was how my mother showed love, and also a big part of her issues and her basis for value/identity.
I don't know if it's even appropriate to post any of this – I think that's a part of who I am – like having no boundaries, saying inappropriate things, being miscalculated socially. Please Brian/mods, let me know if you want this removed/edited in some way.
I just want to get better. I know I´m very intelligent, very empathetic, and in many ways I am very socially intelligent. I am very capable, and I genuinely feel that my purpose relates to being part of a huge positive change in the world.
I want to make something very clear: PSTEC IS HELPING MASSIVELY. It may seem like this has not been a good ~month for me, but actually, this is an improvement in many ways – because I´m so much more aware of things and working through some things.
I am very excited for the next phase of the AvPD exercise, and welcome any advice/suggestions/feedback from all forum members, either here or direct PM. I am very very grateful and thankful for the tools Tim has made for us all, and feel the future brightening the more I use them… even when there are the inevitable “doom” days after releasing years/decades of negativity.
Thanks for reading my latest essay [/list]