Forum Case Study – Avoidant Personality Disorder APD
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- July 19, 2018 at 12:08 pm#26122JamesPSTEC User
Keep going guys, you got this!
I have some time to provide some feedback for exercise 1 – hopefully it is useful for Brian, and perhaps other people too.
SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!
Feedback – Exercise 1
Initial reaction / notes
First of all, I initially felt almost no connection with the majority of the beliefs we had to blast. I had a LOT of resistance around even doing them because I felt they were wrong for me personally.
However, I didn't want to waste Brain's time in putting together and offering to help me, and the overall support from everyone else here made me want to work through it and trust the process.
As it turns out, when I went through some of the beliefs statements with the BB, they started to feel more true, and I was able to connect with and believe them (to different degrees) while working the tracks.
I made some notes about the whole week, there are as follows:
Sunday July 8
* = 18 min BB, started at ~3:30
> = 12 min BB, started at ~3:30
# = NOT part of the exercise
* “I must have controlled my emotions” – I had no connection to this whatsoever before hand, it didn't feel true for me at all… until about 5 mins in of trying to believe it, and various memories came up, mainly around my feelings not being important
> “Showing emotions had been dangerous” – No connection, before or during. This created resistance to continue, anxiety about doing it right, if this was even going to work for me, etc.
* “Showing emotions had been bad” – Again, no connection before, and I accidentally did the 18 min instead of the RXd 12 min BB track. About halfway through of really trying to believe it, more memories about not feeling important. Not so much bad, but not worth showing.
> “Showing emotions had been unsafe” – Nothing before, during I got a lot of stuff around the period of my life where I was working on my “social skills”…. or rather, when I got into the PUA (Pick Up Artist) community and the ideas there, about not caring, being aloof, etc and my feelings around being too much of a nice guy in my earlier years, being cheated on, dumped, always “friend-zoned” because I was “sweet and kind”
* “I couldn't have opened up to anyone” – THIS was deep in my soul! I felt it very deeply, not necessary around emotions as the previous ones had been, but related to my childhood traumas (mainly sexual abuse, bullying, being neglected, not being important, being expected to manage alone, and all the repetitions around those themes). This statement was the first of the exercise that brought me to tears.
The above was done over around 1.5 hours, with small breaks in between – mainly resistance! Pacing the house, opening cupboards for no reason, and vaping (I started smoking at 13 (I´m nearly 36 now) and smoked cannabis HEAVILY for most of my life. I stopped both on June 5th. The vaping I want to stop ASAP, but I still have that nicotine addiction for now… that's another thing I plan to deal with, but step by step!)
Long relaxational accelerator at bedtime.
Monday July 9
Not too much emotional additional emotional release, but feeling very positive and keen to continue. Again, I had little connection to some of the statements initially, but I was very keen to “work through them and get to the stuff that will help me”. I think I was in denial about these things actually effecting me…
* “I couldn´t have survived without anger” – no real connection to this at first, but sure enough as I went through the track, many times of EXTREME anger came to mind, but mostly these were internal states, as opposed to vocally or physically expressing them, although there were some memories and events where the expressions were external. I didn't believe consciously that I needed anger to survive, but my sub did apparently!
* “I must not have been vulnerable” – the 2nd statement that I REALLY connected with. Lots of memories, again around I´m not worth being looked after, I have to do it alone, there's no point showing feelings because no-one cares… (man, I have to go through this post after I´m finished and add these to my list, some still have some charge!)
* “Showing my feelings was a sign of weakness” – less connection than the above, but similar feelings and memories came up
* “I must not have cried” – another strong one, again feelings of being ignored, rejected, not important, etc
At this point, after the concentrated efforts to use the tool even with all the resistance I was having, I felt a strong urge to write a list of my awful beliefs, and then did one of my own later in the day:
# * “I was a loser” – ouch, this one was REAL. Amazing amount of memories and events to back that one up. The track did wonders, but also drained, and left me feeling “fuck I am so messed up, I still have so much shit to deal with” etc.
I did the relaxational accelerator in the evening, fell asleep
Tuesday-Wednesday 10-11 July
I did literally nothing, except I squeezed in one more BIG one from my personal list:
# * “I was not worthy” – lots of emotion, lots of memories, lots of release.
I basically “knocked myself out” for 2 whole days, I was a depressed, bipolar emotional wreck of despair for Tuesday and Wednesday. I avoided work, my family, lost my temper, cried, had suicidal thoughts (I never would, but I´m not a stranger to those thoughts), fell asleep in the day… all I could do to manage being alive was to just be alone. I got outside on my bicycle and drank beer and vaped a lot. I think I also ate some shitty junk food (another separate issue for me: “food = love”)
Thursday July 12
I was so damn resistant to doing any more, scared, frustrated, getting mad, annoyed… and then I remembered the “why” technique from Brain, the idea of “get mad at it”, so I did the following (again, not from the exercise):
# Tapping Accelerator on “why not starting things / not doing what I need to / so fucking lazy” – the tears just flowed, I was sobbing doing this, absolute despair, a lot of repressed emotions… but no real specific memories or reasons, just kind of mentally skirting around things…
# EEF click track on the same feelings from above – still no specifics, but a LOT of emotion releasing
# Cascade release 1+2 – on the above, not starting things, not finishing things, leaving things to the last minute, missed opportunities, wasted opportunities, etc…
# * 18 Min BB “I couldn't help myself” – this is what my sub gave me after the above, it felt right. This ties into past life experiences (hahaha yes, I did say that! I expect I lost some of you there, but I remember several past lives quite vividly, I´ve had past life regression (hypnosis) and also Shamanic “Soul Retrieval Therapy”… I know that will rub some the wrong way, however I always put it like this “either I really remember it, or I made it up, but for me I remember and feel it as if it's true, so the specifics don't really matter” – I'll happily talk about those if anyone is interested, but I´m already writing a damn essay, so I´ll just gloss over that for now)
# * “I was a bad person” DING DING DING DING This one I knew was there, behind so many things. This was my reality. I must have spent 45 minutes sitting down to do it and then finding an excuse to do something else! Randomly jumpy on Amazon and buy shit. Vape. Get a snack. Sit down. Stand up. Walk to another room. Come on the forums and read PSTEC stuff. Write notes about beliefs I need to work on. I am a PRO level procrastinator. I finally go around to it. And OMG… I played the track, and after 2 seconds it was like life flashing before my eyes… all the awful things, events, experiences, hurt, pain, it just hit me like an intercontinental freight train… man. I wept, I sobbed, I felt like absolute shit, a terrible human being… of course, the track worked magic, and that particular belief is now gone, although there's still more work to be done around some aspects and related things.
# * “I didn't deserve anything good” – another massive one, related to the first, but the charge had decreased on this after the above was done. More weeping, sobbing, and release.
# * “I wasn't good enough” – as above, although I still think I need to be more specific around this and some other things… maybe. I´m giving it a bit of time and then will work as needed.
After this, I just WANTED to keep going. I was chomping at the bit. But my wife had taken the kids to work, and they came home, and I had to stop. And of course, it was good that I did stop there, because…
Saturday – Sunday July 14-15
You can guess what happened, right? NOTHING DONE. ABSOLUTE DESPAIR. Depression. Feeling numb. Feeling lost. Feeling horribly alone. I knew what I was doing on the Friday, and honestly I felt like I deserved whatever emotional punished I got from doing those BIG beliefs all together. And I also really wanted to get moving and get stuff done.
Monday July 16
The emotional instability continued, but the urge to get going and work through things was there too, and at this point I felt like I´d taken too long, I was letting Brian and the rest of you guys done, I hadn't done what I was supposed to do, etc etc… so I just got stuck in and worked on my things (and not my actual work work… fortunately I can be incredibly productive when I need to be, and I was working from home, so that's not an issue for now, and this stuff is important!)
I did, however, shorten the 18 min to 12 min for some of the following:
> “I must have held it all in” – connected to this before and during strongly, great release and improvement
> “I must have pretended to be OK” as above
* “I must not have been angry” – not so much connection, but still some, and nice feeling afterwards, feeling like making progress
* I must not have been sad” – this connected more for me, but less when I actually DID it than when I first read it in the exercise a few days before. The previous work obviously had an effect.
* “It had been bad to feel hurt” – similar to the first day, I didn't directly connect with this initially, but as I ran it, sure enough, I had plenty of memories and events come to mind, so it was certainly helpful. I ended up snoozing by the end of it though!
Tuesday 17 July
* “I must not have been bad” – this was another strong one for me, and started bringing up very young memories around my maternal Grandmother, who lived with my family from my birthday until her death when I was 16 (and who suffered a series of strokes over the 3 years prior, completely deteriorated in front of our eyes, I help bath and move her from wheelchair to commode (toilet), to chair, to bed daily – that was tough, I was always her favourite, and apparently a number of memories around her were deeply in there around ideas of being good… not spiking up my hair with hair gel, for example!!)
> “I must not have shown my anger” – grandmother related things again, and around my early teen years of being that “nice guy” that all the guys complained about the “jerks” to (while still wanting them lol!)
> “I must have pretended to be happy” – I never felt this, but apparently my sub connected with it, because while I would say (and people who know me would definitely say) that I “wear my heart on my sleeve” and you would know exactly how I am feeling, I for sure have repressed all that bad stuff and, yes, felt I had to pretend to be ok, just get on with it, etc
> “I must have pretended to feel good” – as above
I also did more work from my own list, as follows:
Started by just writing, asking sub what I should work on… soon enough things started coming out. The biggest thing was things related to my mother (of course – the parents are the root of so much), so I did:
# Click Accelerator: just thinking about my mum, being anxious, not being good enough, not doing things right… just trying to get clarity. There are PLENTY of specific issues and memories, I was just going with it
# 2015 Long Click track: My notes say “ALL OVER!!” I was thinking and feeling the above things, my current work situation/environment (toxic… or at least, so I thought. Well, for sure it is, but I was making it worse also… it's improving now), feeling anxious, feeling uncomfortable, my barbershop and not feeling “cool enough” (they are SUPER “cool” guys (and actually legitimately very nice people) but they have kind of a “mafia family” feeling going on, tattoos, skull rings, beards, all single, all “lads”, etc…), being sweaty…. I messed up the clicks and the tones and the changing over hands, my phone audio cut out 2/3 of the way through, and I just got crazy frustrated…
# EEF 1: Getting MAD at not doing it right, it won't work for me, etc… so many memories came up, including peeing myself in middle school in the whole school assembly (I desperately needed to pee but I was too scared to put my hand up and ask to go in front of everyone, so I tried to hold it and hold it and eventually I couldn't hold it and all the kids jumped up and yelled in disgust at me… I had totally forgotten it!), again more wasted opportunities, not being good enough at my high school, not beinggood enough for a previous “dream job” I had (and got fired from because I self-sabotaged HARD), my current job, situation getting worse… thoughts of having to be the best/better came up (I would consider myself non-competitive, but clearly I´m not, I just never found an appropriate outlet (I never played/liked/was good enough for team sports… except Rugby, that I was put in because I was fat, or so i thought. PE teacher wanted a solid kid, and I was strong)…. thoughts about being on my motorbike, being first, being better, being better than the rich people in their Mercedes and Porsches, Mazaratis, Bentleys, etc (this is a wealthy area!), having to prove myself, driving like an absolute A-HOLE, speeding, very dangerous driving… and yet also having some pride and feeling “better than” about eople because I follow the rules of the road, am more skilled, more aware, more courteous… yes I realize the hypocracy and contradiction!… feeling of not wanting to help others because they will be picked over me, they will take me work or help and get picked over me… so basically, a LOT of stuff came up that I still have to go through, process, and work on!
# EEF on “being stuck, not knowing what to do, stuck in this life, stuck with responsibilities, stuck in this job…” and I feel asleep
Thursday 19 July (today)
# * “I hated women”
# * “I wasn't able to talk to hot women”
# * “If I talked to women, I would have been hurt”
These may seem odd for a married guy, but these things were deep in me, and absolutely relating to (i) past lives (ii) this life (iii) current social anxiety and difficulties just being social at work and in general
During the whole period, I have had highs and lows. I´ve been far more aware of being massively anxious and uncomfortable. At times, I´ve been better able to deal with it, and at other times I´ve been horribly depressed and upset by it.
In general, this is certainly helping, and I am positive that life is improving exponentially. I am more forgiving and accepting that this is going to take some time. I still haven't done ANY positive suggestions at all. I probably should, but I haven't done nearly enough clicktracks or BB yet I don't think.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT, SORRY FOR THE ESSAY!July 19, 2018 at 12:23 pm#26123JamesPSTEC User
Sorry, I guess I should add that I am noticing improvements in general in various situations, and I am feeling more posotive all the time, and I am so thankful for these amazing tools and Brian for his help, and all of you for your support and I kinda just feel so much better overall.
That doesn't mean I don't have shit to clear still, because clearly I do. I also have realised that I may perhaps be “on the spectrum” – as in, some form of mild autism / aspergers… it could also be OCD, although I feel it's both, and I know that I´m already setting off the alarms bells for the therapists reading this for various aspects of the schizoid spectrum. These new points of awareness are simultaneously upsetting, humbling, and, actually, liberating, because I understand myself more now.
Let's keep going guys, if I can do this, anyone canJuly 19, 2018 at 12:59 pm#26124Paul McCabePSTEC Pro and Forum Moderator
Thank you for that sensational update.
Very detailed and will be very instructive to a lot of readers here.
As you know and have illustrated, your sub will throw up other little things to resolve. You clearly identified these and worked through them.
You mentioned this one and not sure if you cleared it – “I am so messed up.”
It might be worth putting this into the past tense and obliterating that too. Believing you are fundamentally messed up is linked to self-concept and can limit what you believe to be possible.
“I was letting everyone down”
“What made me good enough was doing things perfectly”
“No-one really cared about me”
“I was all alone in this world”
These might come up anyway, but always worth blasting away anything like that.
I hope you, Brian and the other participants don't mind me contributing this.
I look forward to reading more about your progress.
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
Please contact me anytime if you want any assistance in utilising PSTEC to help you live a life of tremendous freedom & possibility.
Recreate yourself with PSTEC.
Skype, Zoom, in-person & phone sessions available…July 19, 2018 at 1:21 pm#26125Brian TuckerPSTEC User
You are awesome and really putting it out there. Thank you so much for the feedback. Two things to keep in mind:
1.) The way I have assembled this “approach” is in the format of a general DIY process to work through issues. There will be beliefs/thoughts/feelings/behaviors that resonate with some and not with others. One very important lesson I have learned though my journey and working with others is that often times working on just one belief at a time until it is “completely gone” can be a bit counter productive, even frustrating and paralyzing for some people. What I have seen deliver superior results is to instead work though a load of beliefs quickly. This more quickly weakens a bigger structure and will create a larger “tipping point” and collapse a larger belief structure. The reasoning behind this is because many beliefs are intertwined and support each others. When many are weakened to a point the entire structure will collapse.
I will also say that I have found that when I first started working with belief blasters I used the 18 min version of the track exclusively however, I did find quickly that the 10 min version is extremely powerful! In most instances the 10 minute version can take out even the biggest beliefs but the key is one thing and one thing only. TRY AS HARD AS YOU CAN to believe what you are saying is true. As long as you get to the end of the track and it's difficult to make sense of the statement you should be good. It will continue to release over time which is where listening to the short relaxing accelerator at the end of the session and the long one at bedtime makes a HUGE difference. Even sometimes it may take a few days for it all to release completely as you have pointed out in your feedback above. This is consistent with many other posts on the forum over the years.
2.) When you read beliefs initially they may not ring true at that time. Yes this is normal with one caveat. Dependent on your emotional state at the time it may not ring true.
A guy says “I never cry”. OK well now there is something more behind that. Perhaps there is a belief blocking that or perhaps you just haven't experienced something that would make you cry…yet…perhaps you're in denial etc.
I have found many beliefs can lay dormant and buried until such time a situation arises that could trigger it. Or perhaps you are a person who for whatever reason does not feel their emotions – not safe, embarrassing etc. One example of this was when I was working on procrastination.
Procrastination has big elements of perfection (ocd), fear of failure, fear of success and passive aggressive beliefs. Tim has mentioned a few times that procrastination is often driven by anger. Can you see in those how they have a load of anger, particularly the anger around failing, not being able to succeed?
When I did the passive aggressive beliefs they had a tremendous amount of deep buried anger, even rage at points but when I read the belief it had little to no charge at all. Often times we are in denial! Shame is a perfect example. Shame is something few want to admit they have but it is at the core of so many issues, especially this one. Applying to the above #1 point previously, doing a few beliefs that did not have a strong charge was enough to weaken and collapse something much larger.
3.) As you have noted other beliefs are popping up. These are a result of the accelerators. This is normal. As Tim says “go with it” It is strongly suggested you write these down on a piece of paper and keep track of them. They may show up in subsequent assignments. You may go ahead and address them as you discover them and cross them off on later assignments provided you have neutralized them already. Clicktracking other junk is totally OK too
4.) The secondary purpose of this is to also clear out things to help you become generally more aware. As you go along you are going to have moments of major realization. You might wake up in the morning every few days and have major ah-ha moments of something HUGE that is causing an issue with you. Be sure to write that down and address it when you can as it will certainly take you to the next level of consciousness.
Thanks and keep going!July 22, 2018 at 11:59 am#26126JamesPSTEC User
Good afternoon (at least where I live), guys!
Paul – Thank you for the support, and I can only speak for myself but I do not mind at all – in fact, I welcome your and anyone else's input and support.
In this case your insight was particularly helpful – as I read your suggested things to blast I felt them deeply. Especially the “no-one really cared about me”. Oh man, that has been my life (and several previous).
I read your response, and Brain's, and got so much from both (I will respond to Brain's after this, separated for simplicity – although of course much of this is also for Brian's feedback too!), but for one of the first times in my life I didn't have quite such an intense desire to DO IT NOW, I HAVE TO DO IT ALL NOW, which was interesting. I went ahead and tried to work through your suggestions as they were directly laid out for me, and the benefit of an external point of view is of course massively valuable.
I hope no-one minds, I'll continue the “diary” format of the days since: (If Brian or any other mods would prefer I make a separate forum thread somewhere for this, please just let me know. I´m posting here because currently this is “home” for me on the forums in general)
Thursday July 19
18min BB on “I was so messed up”… and I fell asleep. I am fairly sure this is due to being genuinely tired, although I woke 40 mins later and was annoyed about it and wondered if I was avoiding it for “self-protection” or something. Don't know
Friday July 20
Woke up, did the Relaxational Accelerator (as per Brain recommendation). One of the best days at this job since I started.
Saturday July 21
18 min BB “I was letting everyone down”
18 BB “What made me good enough was doing things perfectly” – fell asleep
At this point family things came up, my sons, my wife – we all have ongoing issues to be honest (some I´ve caused directly, or not helped, some of their own) – frustrations and a small arguement with my wife. I should point out that in 10 years of marriage we've had maybe 5 fights, so yelling at each other is a big deal.
I had to get out. I left my wife tapping to a CT, made sure my sons were good playing Lego and knew not to disturb mummy, and got out of the house. I tried using the BB's while walking. Personally, I think this is not a good idea. Maybe it works for some people, but I´m not sure it's effective. It's certainly not ideal – hard to really really focus when you're avoiding traffic and navigating things.
While walking, 10min BB “I was such a weirdo” – this is what I felt at the time, and it was related to the “I was so messed up” which I had fell asleep during. I just went with it.
While walking, 12 min BB + last 4 mins of 18 min BB track “I couldn't fit in anywhere” – this was a little more effective, the part of the walk was more private. I believed it strongly for most. Perhaps effective-ish.
For both of the above, I´ll revisit in a week and see if I need to run something at home to finish them.
Then, in a cafe – “I wasn't worth having around” – again, this came to me. I was about 90% deeply focused on it, but occasionally distracted by other people around.
At this point I decided to just be out, walk, get some peace, then head home where I did:
18min BB on all the following:
– “I was only good enough if I did things perfectly”
– “I wasn't able to do what I needed to do” – not sure if this was quite right, I bounced around with the phrasing – it's around procrastination, so in the end I just went with this haha
– “No-one really cared about me”
– “I was all alone in this world”
– “I wasn't able to trust and follow guidance from my best self” – this came to me during a short meditation after the previous belief. I felt strongly that it was needed, so I ran it.
Again Paul, I wanted to say thanks for pointing out those beliefs and the general support both directly here, and across the forums. All of you mods are so so giving and helpful across all of these threads, and I am getting a lot from many of your responses elsewhere, even though I´m not posting.
Saludos desde españa!July 22, 2018 at 12:43 pm#26127JamesPSTEC User
I´m so glad to be involved with this – I am noticing such massive changes. Very keen to keep going, and I´m excited for the other guys too.
Some points from your response:
What I have seen deliver superior results is to instead work though a load of beliefs quickly. This more quickly weakens a bigger structure and will create a larger “tipping point” and collapse a larger belief structure. The reasoning behind this is because many beliefs are intertwined and support each others. When many are weakened to a point the entire structure will collapse.
This is extremely useful to understand – I applied this yesterday (Saturday) as you can see in the previous post notes. As and when I feel able/it's appropriate, I will have “Blasting Days” like this. Today is a CT day – from various things which came up over the week.
I will also say that I have found that when I first started working with belief blasters I used the 18 min version of the track exclusively however, I did find quickly that the 10 min version is extremely powerful! In most instances the 10 minute version can take out even the biggest beliefs but the key is one thing and one thing only. TRY AS HARD AS YOU CAN to believe what you are saying is true. As long as you get to the end of the track and it's difficult to make sense of the statement you should be good.
I have to admit I am almost fearful of not using the 18 min track to be honest – I still have a lot of resistance around just doing things for myself without being told to (multiple former lives as a slave, as far as I am concerned) – but I am about to use the Tapping Accel. and the 2015 long CT on a bunch of related stuff there, so let's see if I can make up my own mind about it and do what's right for me without waiting for the order/permission. Example: I was fine using the 12 min when instructed in exercise 1 from you, and fine to start at 3:30 for the same reason. I would have NEVER done that on my own… “not allowed!” is what my brain would have given me.
… listening to the short relaxing accelerator at the end of the session and the long one at bedtime makes a HUGE difference.
Yes, I am seeing this is true. Thank you for repeating this valuable information, it really is amazing. Things “bubbling up” much easily now, and I know that will continue as I keep using them more.
Procrastination has big elements of perfection (ocd), fear of failure, fear of success and passive aggressive beliefs. Tim has mentioned a few times that procrastination is often driven by anger. Can you see in those how they have a load of anger, particularly the anger around failing, not being able to succeed?
When I did the passive aggressive beliefs they had a tremendous amount of deep buried anger, even rage at points but when I read the belief it had little to no charge at all.
A few things in here that really “got” me – passive aggression, fear of failure, fear of success. I feel very much I need to delve into those areas more and clear things out.
As you described, when I read some of the beliefs from the exercise, little to nothing, but then when I get going with the BB, suddenly things come out. I feel I definitely have more to clear, but I´m not sure how to access it. It's well hidden I'd say.
The secondary purpose of this is to also clear out things to help you become generally more aware. As you go along you are going to have moments of major realization. You might wake up in the morning every few days and have major ah-ha moments of something HUGE that is causing an issue with you. Be sure to write that down and address it when you can as it will certainly take you to the next level of consciousness.
I am certainly feeling much more aware, and have had a couple of “AHA!” moments. Overall I´m just so grateful for your time and efforts here, thank you so much.
Looking forward to hearing from Ed and Alpha, and to the next exercise. In the meantime, I will continue with my personal list and whatever comes to me.
JamesJuly 25, 2018 at 6:57 pm#26128Tomas ZobalPSTEC User
I don't want to hijack this thread that was started for you guys that are involved in Brian's study, but I would be interested in hearing your thoughts on remembering past lives and their effect on you in the present. If you feel like making a separate post or sending me a PM, I'd appreciate it very much. I actually think that whatever patterns or situations we are working through this time around are directly tied to what we haven't yet resolved in our previous lives. We keep experiencing them until there is no need anymore, until we change so that they no longer have purpose for us.
I'll be reading your reports with much interest in this thread as well, as I share similar patterns. I firmly believe that nobody on this planet can beat me when it comes to procrastination and self sabotageJuly 26, 2018 at 3:45 pm#26129JamesPSTEC User
Sure, I would be glad to share! But you are right, a separate thread is most appropriate – this is Brian's study and I want to respect that.
I'll post a new thread with my thoughts and experiences. Thank you for your interest… and I´m very glad if you are getting something from my story!
The procrastination has been improving though, actually. PSTEC is AMAZING!
With warm regards,
JamesAugust 18, 2018 at 1:56 pm#26130JamesPSTEC User
AvPD Exercise #2 Completed
I started the exercise on July 23 – nearly a month ago now. I was much more forgiving of myself in general throughout the process this time. More able to accept myself not being “perfect” with it, and trusting the process. That in itself is a massive improvement for me. I also have noticed much more awareness in general of what is going on in my thoughts.
Anything in quotation marks below is directly quoted from my notebook.
Monday 23 July
- EEF CT on my character/potential being fixed. Started at a 10, got down to ~1 at the end of the 3rd run through.
- 2x Beliefs Blastered re Change
- Long relax accel. at bed – fell asleep
Tuesday 24 July
- Short relax accel. at 08:00 – “just trying to feel comfortable for the day”
- Then nothing til 20:00 (after work) 4x Beliefs Blasted on Change
- Short relax accel. “imagining awesomeness” – this was the best imagining of success I had had, very positive, very enjoyable
- I did one more Change belief later, around 00:00
I made a note here about “Realized (for me) there is a difference between saying the belief in my mind vs thinking the belief – 1st involves breath, almost like silent speaking, and the second does not. Second seems to take much more effort and seems to be more effective” – does anyone have any comments/thoughts on this?
Wednesday 25 July
Thursday 26 July
- 2x Beliefs Blasted re Change
Friday 27 July
- Tried to start at ~18:45, procrastinated/avoided for 2.5 hours
- EEF CT re Powerless/victim
- My notes for the Ct “Didn't really feel anything, avoided thinking thoughts, didn't focus, didn't fucking do it basically”
- That was it for the day
Saturday 28 July
- “Woke up ~06:50, vaped, depressed, anxious, thoughts racing, wrote that
> (~2 pages of free-flowing notes, see below)”
- This is deeply personal, but sharing it seems necessary, and I don't have anyone else really… here are the 2 pages that came out when I woke: “I am so paralyzed by fear I can't do anything. Fear and apathy – like, what's the fucking point? I´m too fucked up and I have so many deep and complicatedly interconnected issues I will never do the work I need to – I've always managed to get away with it, always just avoided things and run away, I can't do anything unless I´m trapped and forced to. I sometimes think it might be possible, but then reality rears it's ugly head, or I get some shit turn up and I´m back to square 1, or worse. Look at me, fat and disgusting again, wasting my life waiting for someone to notice me, to be interested in me, to care about me, to want me, to love me. All the while wrecking what I have and pushing everyone away. Like right now, writing and wallowing in self pity, avoiding my obligations, any fucking excuse will do, i don't care, as long as it gets me out of things and doesn't look like it's my fault. I don't even know if it is my fault or not anyone. I´m not too sure of anything except I´m a fucking pussy loser waste of space, I´m lazy and worthless and I constantly disappoint and let people down.
“Smile and be happy” (referencing a note I put on the front cover of my notebook) what a fucking joke. What the fuck for?! What is there to smile & be happy about? I´m completely trapped in a loveless marriage, I´ve wasted every lucky break and opportunity, & & I´ll never fucking change. They'll all leave me & hate me anyway. No-one wants to spend time with me, no-one cares, or if they do it's only because I´ve fooled them, manipulated them, lied & twisted things so they pity me.
I deserve all the shit I get. The world isn't fair, and I´m just going to get older & more alone, more depression, more despair. I´ll get found out as a fraud, as a monster, and eventually they'll all be happy when I´m dead. I get restless, I have to run away. I have to hide. I don't want to be seen or noticed, & yet I so desperately want to be seen & noticed & loved.
Every time something positive happens I don't believe it's real at all, I´ve just been successful in deceiving someone or cheating somehow, & sooner or later I'll be back”
- “then [son's name] came to hang, played connect 4, checkers, [wife's name] woke at 11:30…. fell asleep 12:00-15:30”
- Tapping accel: “mum hitting me (when I was bad), not loving me, not caring about me, ignoring me, not available for me”
- EEF CT: “as above, not being loved, (mum) making me fat, making me get attention only through bad behaviour, only [maternal grandmother who lived with us and did a lot to raise me] loved me & then she died”
- EEF CT: Here I blended the Powerless/victim part of the AvPD exercise from Brian (from the day before) with personal themes in line with the work I had just done): “being stuck, things are how they are, I´ll never change, marriage/finances/fatness/work will never change, any improvement is luck/circumstance/temporary”
- 8x beliefs on Powerless/victim from Brian
- Additional 1x belief that was very similar to something from Brian, but specifically around being a victim of rich/wealthy people
- Short relax accel
- Then in the evening – 2x beliefs on Shame/hatred from Brian
- Long relax accel at bedtime – fell asleep
Quite the day! I also chose this day to finish vaping 😮
Sunday 29 July
Woke up and cracked on with the belief work from Brian
- 9x beliefs on Shame/hatred
- 1x belief on Worth
I then really wanted to try and get some positivity into my head, but honestly I´m so unsure of myself (in this and in general in life – like I need permission to do anything for myself, even if I know what to do… even if I clearly know MORE about what I should do than anyone else… totally related to past lives… I will start a forum thread about that later today (I didn't forget you Tomas!))
I did the following with Positive Quantum Turbo (taken from a very useful post somewhere here in forums):
- I´ll always remember everything as I´m safe with PSTEC now
- PSTEC releases bad emotions faster and easier all the time now
- It's absolutely safe to achieve all of my goals now
Monday 30 July
- 1x belief on Worth
- My own belief – “If they had caught me they would have ruined my life
- Another – “If they found me they would have hurt me”
- EEF CT on “going to the gym, not being good enough (at the gym), being fat, failing (there are framed before/after “transformation” pictures on the wall at the gym – I am one of them from last year, so “failing” relates to this), sweaty, [older brothers name] came up -> (him) being better, (me) not being as physically capable, always being in his shadow… started at 9/10 -> 6/10 – do more later, GO TO GYM NOW!” – and I went to the gym, where I hadn't been for around a year (as a certified personal trainer, and if you saw my instagram account promoting myself as such… that is awful!)
- Long relax accel @ bedtime, feel asleep
Very interesting to note: I was terrified about going back to the gym. Not being welcome. Being ridiculed. When I went, it was… fine. Actually, it was quite good! I had decided to go easy on myself, knowing that I wouldn't be able to train anywhere near as hard/heavy as I was previously. I reduced the previous weights to around 75%… and actually I ended up reducing them even more – AND I DIDN'T BEAT MYSELF UP ABOUT IT. That is amazing!
Tuesday 31 July
- 3x beliefs on Worth
Wednesday 1 Aug
- No PSTEC, but went to gym.
Thursday 2 August
- 2x beliefs on Worth from the exercise
- Struggling with the vaping/nicotine and knowing I needed to work on emotions and beliefs around it, I made this post https://pstecforum.com/pf/miscellaneous-and-other-topics/looking-for-suggestions-to-stop-vaping/
Friday 3 August
- Intended to do 2x beliefs for Worth but didn't
- Went to the gym
Saturday 4 August
Tried again to do the 2x beliefs from the previous day, didn't again.
Sunday 5 – Friday 10 August
No PSTEC at all. Went to the gym Monday and Wednesday. Not Friday or Saturday as planned.
Saturday 11 August
- 3x beliefs on Worth
- 7x beliefs on Love
Sunday 12 August
- 4x Stop Smoking specific CT
- Stop smoking hypnosis track
- I took a break to grab some food, and suddenly my wife and kids were in the bedroom (my only “safe space” and where I do most of the CT / BB work) and I I just lost it internally. I don't know, I cannot describe it. I had to leave the house, I just grabbed my bicycle and went out, I hadn't showered or anything, i just had to go. Went to a cafe/bar on the boardwalk and ordered a pint and started writing in my notebook:
- “What the fuck just happened? I feel so trapped & with nothing for myself. No time, no space, no opportunity to work on what's important for me & also what I´m expected to work on to continue to support those ungrateful fucks. They don't appreciate or understand me at all. [REDACTED this part because it's not fair on my wife to post it publicly]
What should we do? Separate? Struggle through? I don't know, I can't be sure. To be sure I have to clear all the noise and fear. All the shit and negativity. And that's what I´m trying to do – when they give me time! What I´m working on, between working that fucking job I hate, being at home where it's uncomfortable, having no friends, no family, & no fun, trying to fix myself, improve the situation for us all, improve myself… and I have to fucking carry her still. I´m tired of carrying her, fuck.
So why did I get pissed off? Because I feel like I have nothing for me, that I won't be able to fix myself, that I have to fix everything now, I have to fix EVERYTHING. Any maybe I won't be able to. That she'll hold me back. being married holds me back. Having kids holds me back. I can't do what I want because I´m a husband and a father. I can't have friends because I´m a husband and a father. I´m not allowed to do anything for myself because I´m a husband and a father. It doesn't matter what happens, I'll never be happy being married. I´ll never have excitement or adventure. I´ll never make new friends. My life is not my own. Once I became married and a parent my life was no longer my own. I got mad because they were in my space, the only place I was comfortable, that I felt safe to work on myself.
What don't I like about my life right now? I´m fat, I´m trapped, I´m lonely, I have no control, I have no direction, I´m stuck, I´m lost, I´m broken, I´m weird, i´ll never fit in, I can't just let go and enjoy anything, I´m constantly in my head, I never do what I need to do to improve my situation, I never stick to anything, I never finish anything, I never follow through.”
- I then wrote 1.5 pages of positive beliefs I could install now, another 1 page of additional beliefs to blast around food and junk food, and underlined the underlined items from above notes – but I never did anything with those and I don't know why I keep avoiding them when clearly those are major issues. I feel like I know what to do but I can't do it.
- BB “I was an addict”
- BB “Getting rid of one addiction meant I took up another”
- BB “Being free from addictions was impossible”
(Thanks to Paul for the above suggestions in my vaping post thread!)
- BB “Junk food and alcohol had been special treats” – related to my childhood/teen years, I think many people have this kind of belief, and obviously not helpful.
- Long relax accel. and sleep
Monday 13 August
- 3x beliefs re Love
- short relax accel
Tuesday 14 August
- No PSTEC.
Wednesday 15 August
- 6x beliefs on love
Thursday 16 August
- 2x beliefs on Acceptance/Approval
Friday 17 August
- 5x beliefs on Acceptance/Approval
- Wrapper around “Things that make me feel ASHAMED”
- LONG 2015 on “Things that make me feel ASHAMED”
- Long relax accel. at bedtime, fell asleep
Sat 18 August (Today)
So… I ended up including some VERY personal things there. I hope that by writing all this out I might get the help I clearly need.
What's very interesting for me is that I CAN SEE my issues, and can come up with solutions or at least possibilities for things to work on (as shown by the underlined section of the second long notebook quote above)… but I just don't do it.
In fact, I don't do things for myself very much. I don't take care of myself. If I can, I won't leave the house, change my clothes, shower, or even brush my teeth. for days. I have gained weight during this process – the comfort eating, and also that was how my mother showed love, and also a big part of her issues and her basis for value/identity.
I don't know if it's even appropriate to post any of this – I think that's a part of who I am – like having no boundaries, saying inappropriate things, being miscalculated socially. Please Brian/mods, let me know if you want this removed/edited in some way.
I just want to get better. I know I´m very intelligent, very empathetic, and in many ways I am very socially intelligent. I am very capable, and I genuinely feel that my purpose relates to being part of a huge positive change in the world.
I want to make something very clear: PSTEC IS HELPING MASSIVELY. It may seem like this has not been a good ~month for me, but actually, this is an improvement in many ways – because I´m so much more aware of things and working through some things.
I am very excited for the next phase of the AvPD exercise, and welcome any advice/suggestions/feedback from all forum members, either here or direct PM. I am very very grateful and thankful for the tools Tim has made for us all, and feel the future brightening the more I use them… even when there are the inevitable “doom” days after releasing years/decades of negativity.
Thanks for reading my latest essay [/list]
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