Always and Never in belief statements
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Russell CronbergHi All, I recently purchased the Belief Blasters package and have been working on 1-2 beliefs per day and have noticed some encouraging results. However I'm a bit stumped on how to rephrase limiting beliefs that contain the words “always” and “never”. I've noticed that much of my negative inner dialog is some variation of “you'll never have that” or “this always happens to me”.
Examples: I see or meet an attractive woman and rather than being excited about the possibilities of meeting her my inner voice will say (in a very negative and snarky tone) “you'll never be with someone like that”.
Other times things will happen that are nothing more than everyday bad luck (I spill my coffee, I take a wrong turn while driving, a friend cancels plans with me) and that same negative voice will say “this always happens to me”.
These are obviously two very global limiting beliefs but I'd like to work on them with the belief blasters. How would I rephrase them to the negative tense?
Present: “You'll never get that”
Past “I have never had that”? This doesn't feel quite right since often times the things I doubt I will get I HAVE HAD at some point in the past. I'm just pessimistic that I will have them again in the future.Present: “This always happens to me”
Past: “This has always happened to me” Again, this doesn't feel quite right. Would something like “This used to always happen to me” be more effective?With both of the above limiting beliefs it's very easy to feel their emotional charge. However when I read the rewritten past tense beliefs I don't feel any emotion towards them.
Thanks in advance!
Brian TuckerYou'll never get that aka I'm not worthy or I haven't been worthy and also I'm not good enough. Try those both
This always happens to me – ask yourself why this always happens to me and look for the answer “because” and look for an I am or I was etc. Then clear the result of the because. E.g. this always happens to me because I am a klutz or because I am stupid or because I am a lost etc.
Tomas ZobalExamples: I see or meet an attractive woman and rather than being excited about the possibilities of meeting her my inner voice will say (in a very negative and snarky tone) “you'll never be with someone like that”.
In addition to what Brian suggested (not being worthy or good enough), perhaps you could also use something along the lines “attractive women haven't been interested in me”.
Paul McCabeHi Rucron,
As Brian has pointed out, there are likely beliefs propping up/supporting your negative expectation(s).
The counterexample to all statements about the future or expectations is “you cannot know for sure what might happen in the future.” Yet negative expectations might get in the way of us taking certain actions.
Have you tried CTing these imagined scenarios? I think that is a great starting-point. CT any negative emotions down to 0. In many cases, this can help eliminate the beliefs that feed into the behaviour (compulsive or avoidant).
You can also play about with the inner voice. Instead of it being “snarky and negative”, you could perhaps alter it so it is high-pitched and positive. The same words delivered with different tonality can produce a different feeling.
If your inner voice was altered so that it resembled, say, Homer Simpson or Mickey Mouse (for example)…this can shift your perception.
With CTs and playing with your inner voice, you may find that the voice will be either positive and encouraging…or simply not part of your consciousness.
“Always” and “never” are gross generalisations. Other people spill coffee or get lost, distracted or make mistakes…and can feel fine about it. What do you believe about yourself or those specific situations to be affected when they happen?
To put it another way, let's say you spilt coffee on yourself 20 times a day (still not “always”, but subjectively “a lot”)…so what? See if you can pinpoint the pattern.
As Brian intimated, getting to the core beliefs and eliminating those can transform your experience of yourself, life, other people and your expectations of all of the aforementioned.
Please let us know if that helps.
Paul
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Russell CronbergThanks all, these are some great starting points for me. After reading the replies and digging down further in my feelings I agree that other beliefs are at play causing these global “always” and “never” statements. Beliefs such as “I'm unlucky” or “I'm cursed” have come to the surface throughout my life.
I remember several years ago while I was in traditional talk therapy my therapist and I would uncover a pattern of negative thinking on my part and he would lament “it's your limiting beliefs that are causing all of this”. Of course he wasn't much help when I would press him on how to eliminate these beliefs but that's a different story.
I'm really grateful to Tim for developing such an easy to use, simple tool for attacking these beliefs head on. I know there's a lot of work ahead now but the happiness is in the journey. Thanks again!
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