Overwhelmed. Not sure where to begin.

Good afternoon

I have been using the free audios on and off in the past with pretty good results. However, things have gotten overwhelming recently and I would like to use the audios to go deeper and solve issues that are causing me a profound depression.
I come from a family of over protective and controlling parents who were not against using physical punishments to make their point or have me achieve certain results (nothing less than perfection was good enough). I was an honor student and very, very hard on my self and terribly insecure (I still am). When I finished college, I lived in different countries (Spain, Greece, France, UK…) thinking every new beginning would give me happiness. Of course, it didn’t but I was too young to make the connection.
I now live upstate New York with a good job, a partner that loves me and basically everything I thought I wanted. I achieved all this during covid. At the same time, I experienced for the first time in my life significant losses of dear relatives and my father became sick. In the last months, I have been having panic attacks which reason I don’t really know, general anxiety and a deep feeling of sadness and despair. I don’t know what I want in life. I just became 40. I want to be young again. I want to do all those things I wasn’t allowed to do when I had the chance (mainly singing). I feel horribly ungrateful that I don’t seem to be able to enjoy all the things life has given me. Not knowing what I want or what would make me happy doesn’t help either… I am currently working with the essential tracks and positive audios that come in it, but I would love to get any suggestion of what other PSTEC products would be advisable for me or in which order to do them. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.