Reply To: I can’t change my programming
juntjooAlakh, good luck buddy. I've been reading, but not every word, but I can see feelings in you that I see in myself, more so maybe 20 years ago. I'm 41 now. Anyway, if there is anything I could say, I'd I could go back to my 25 year old self… Hmm. Idk. Lol, maybe I shouldn't give advice. I'm better off than before but it's taken a lot of time and sacrifice. My father had died already and even after shedding a tear or two I still curse him and my mother and sister and humanity whenever I mess up. Well, maybe in the last couple years I've mostly stopped. But I've closed myself off from most of society and am now learning to reintegrate myself into my life with the rest of the world, but it's from a new perspective. Mm…
If you don't want to spend 20 or so years to find a noticeable amount of positive change, if you want a miracle, which is really what it is to succeed in life no? Well you have to make it happen. I've been meditating now for 15 years, but it's taken 15 years to get myself to make do it daily. And it's not always sitting crossed legged counting breaths, it's click tracks, affirmations, stretching, exercises, reading /listening /watching/researching people who've succeeded in life and Im pretty sure it comes down to daily habits and making it a priority to change the person, the vehicle that's driving the soul through the journey, before you concern yourself with too much of anything outside of it. Huge sacrifice. Sit down in front of mirror and beg God through the person in front of you(or however you do it) for the power to do what it takes to get what you want out of life. Write every day about your journey. Monitor your progress. Accept that you're different, or special 
and that you've been chosen to discover secrets about life most people will never figure out. The bigger the adversity, the bigger the reward. And remember you're not a Pow or starving child in a 3rd world country (in assuming) so it could be worse. But it's not so much about your woes but those other people struggling after you waiting for you to figure it out and reach down to help them. Perhaps you were chosen specifically to figure out these problems your have that so many others struggle with.
Daily habits and constant introspection. You're a huge furnace just waiting for some tech to hook you up to some machine of some purpose. Be a technician. This is a serious full time job. You weren't created to quit. People kill themselves every day and end up felating the devil for eternity. So I've heard. But Im not gonna take any chances and being alive and not doing what I'm supposed to be doing here on earth sucks balls no? So if you're in this stage now where you just want to cry and be understood and have a miracle fall upon you, you gotta see this situation and then see the big picture and make some serious decisions now. Small and consistent. Be a scientist. Prioritize. Perhaps you need two hours a day of reviewing, planning, and exercising… EVERY DAY, like air that you depend on to live. Solve All your problems. Ignore none. Consolidate them into categories to simplify. Subscribe on youtube to a dozen self improvement channels. Work on your mind, language, mental and verbal, understanding. Hitler was one a sweet innocent baby. Everyone is guilty of something ALL the time. Most people barely change. Be the change. Most people stop at barriers and write it off as life and sit back in their chairs and do what they're supposed to do. Your pain isn't allowing you to be so ignorant and blissful. You've got job to do superman.
Step one: find one quite pertinent thing about you got don't like and give it an evacuation notice, 30-90 days say. Some habit, some thought. Know that it will notice you looking at it and will fight back tooth and nail, as you've noticed with click tracks, and prepare for a battle of attrition Rambo. Prepare to bleed and cry. Afraid of suicide? The last thing suicide wants to you do is ignore it. So look at it. Then look at yourself. So you really want to be one of Satan's bitches for eternity? Make that decision to take on suicide every day until its done and gives up. I don't see it anymore myself. I had from age 9 til about 32 or so because I ran all my life.
It's good to be social and harness your social skills for your own health and others but realize most people won't understand you if you're different and you'll have to learn to accept that anyway and to never sacrifice who you are to blend in with others. In fact your job as a socialite is to infiltrate society to educate and inspire which on the whole is barely done. You're life is a miracle bro. Most people pay a shrink for pills to fit in better. You're in the fight. Work everyday seriously every day on yourself. Be a tech. Find the bowl that holds your negative thought salad and click track the bowl, idk lol. There's answers inside and out of you. Okay, good luck. Bye for now