Reply To: Bully in the gym

Daniel Wynn

    Hi Clearingman,

    Thanks for posting.

    As well as the tips shared by Brian, I think it can be helpful to take on the other person's perspective. What we might label bullying is possibly just a survival strategy or unresolved anger on his part. What sort of beliefs and feelings might this guy be holding to behave in that way? What sort of life experiences has he possibly had?

    He may believe that “hurting people makes me significant”, for instance, or “the way to get respect is to intimidate people.”

    I mention this as the frame in which we position something has a bearing on how we react. Now, don't get me wrong, his behaviour is obviously not appropriate in that context and you have every right to expect better treatment/conduct. However, it might not be personal and probably isn't.

    You also have every right to defend yourself, of course. This is not me saying “turn the other cheek”, but you may benefit from just asking for a different sparring partner or trying to take on his perspective.

    Conflicts can be resolved simply by accepting that everyone has or has had internal conflicts, or simple inconsistencies in their character. I can't think of a single person who hasn't hurt someone in some way. Manny Pacquiao, for instance, has done so much for his people, yet has also put other fighters in hospital. There is a context to everything and, when someone steps in the ring, it is a different context with different rules.

    So, as well what Brian suggested, it might be worth checking whether the following beliefs resonate with you. If so, you can eliminate them with the Belief Blasters:

    “He didn't respect me”

    “He was bullying me”

    “He was trying to enrage me”

    “It was bad to hurt people”

    “If I hurt him, I would have been bad”

    “Anger was dangerous”

    “I was a dangerous person”

    You may not have all or any of these, so check in and see. You can logically counter every, single belief. This is also a very useful strategy.

    With Quantum Turbo, you can layer in the following suggestions:

    “Even when people are angry, I can be calm”

    “I've every right to protect myself, as it makes sense”

    “No matter what happened in the past, I forgive myself”

    “Controlled aggression is useful for sparring, so I can relax”

    “I helped more people than I hurt, so I can relax”

    Thanks again for posting.

    Please update the thread and let us know how it goes.

    Best Regards,

    Paul  :D

    Hi paul,

    I completely understand where your coming from with that. I have already taken a look and tried to see things through his eyes. I don't blame him, I don't think its his fault. His whole ego and outlook on life is not very good, in fact his persona stinks. People have already mentioned to me what a bully he is, and how he had attempted to bully them, but nobody spoke up I guess for whatever reason. The sad fact is, I made an attempt to “talk” things out with him and in response he wanted to fight me in the gym bare knuckles, no wraps or padding. He probably thinks the second one, some people become desensitised to violence, and he maybe thinks throwing his weight around earns him respect. In a self defence gym though, it should be the opposite, its a place of peace and respect. It's a shelter, to some even a second home.

    So, maybe his views are distorted. But, the fact that we are training in the same gym should mean when we step in the ring together it wouldn't be to harm but to learn. I have had fights and when I step in the ring to perform in that setting your right, its all out, I still have respect but I'm looking to win. So when I land my kicks or punches, they will hurt, because I'm going to win.

    On a different note but slightly related, how do you remove emotions or behaviours you pick up from other people?