Reply To: PSTEC for suicidality & bipolar
Update: I had done some clicking on frustrations of needing to be in therapy to not be suicidal last weekend.
3/12 Before sleeping I Quantumed your (Paul's) suggestion from the other thread. “I can be really proud of myself, as I'm doing an amazing job.”
3/13 Then I did the same when I woke up.
Then I belief blasted, “I wasn't trusted,” which was brought up by a dream. I did a second belief blaster on “I couldn't trust myself.” A therapist had said that me fearing that I would hurt myself is what made the suicidality stick. So I thought of not trusting myself to not hurt myself. I also though of how I couldn't be trusted by Mom to choose my own bath water temperature. She always thought I wanted it too cold, but the hot hurt. I thought of how I could not trust my brain to read the correct word (dyslexia type stuff), to know the correct math answer,or even to say the word that I mean.
Typing that stirred up intense emotion, so I clicked that with Level 1. The strongerst parts were: I'll never amount to anything, feeling stupid and how my diagnosises (learning challenges & bipolar) effect my currect job as a librarian & homeschool mom.
BB- I would never amount to anything (with was incablable/ stupid kind of tied in)
This lead to BB- They were better off without me. (Apply to my kids who I use to my kids, my parent, my husband & a bit to my older brother.) I think I will revisit that one, when I have more time.
As I got ready for the day I started singing Elton John's “How wonderful life is when you're in the world.” (I'm very musical.)
So I click tracked, “How wonderful life is when I'm in the world.” I hummed along and eventually sang out loud with the main world louder each time… (But I also wondered if humming or singing out loud would make it less effective.)
3/14 The clicked more daily stuff out in between.
Then I BB- “I was ungrateful”
Then Quantumed- “Maybe I am totally blameless (in Jesus)”
Then BB- one from Paul's suggestion list- “There was something wrong with me.” That one was loaded that included the suicidality, guilt, diagnois, learning problems….
I BB- “There was So much wrong with me” but as one point I caught myself switch to “There is…”.
I woke up feeling great.
I did 18 minute BB “There was something wrong with me agian,”
I EEF click tracked the dianosis & all that is wrong with me.- thoughts of clicking not working & there being too much to fix came up.
BB-I was pathetic (looking for a more charged for unthankful and found this.)
BB-I was unhelpful
BB- I gave up (prompted by not finding the correct Lego, but applying to giving up hope in general.)