Reply To: PSTEC for suicidality & bipolar

#26478
AvatarJen
PSTEC User

Thank you Paul!

3/15- A lot of stuff came up during my day and I felt worn out. 

In the evening I had 3 hours of using PSTEC, resting, and praying gratitude, starting with listening to wealth of abundance.  I BB being ungrateful & “I did I was unsafe.” I did other work.  I can't remember all exactly.  Afterwards it felt like I'd taken a vacation.  I got a lot of house work done quickly.

At bed time I was ready to do some positive, but fell asleep during it.  I think that one was “I am good” (with the background of that meaning accepted because of Christ).

3/16
I had my first bad dream since I've been doing this consistently. We were hiding from a tornado. 

BB- I was unsafe or I was in danger.

That brought thoughts of people pleasing.

BB- I had to please/ impress God/ people.

I started with “I had to please people” but it kind of evolved.  By my faith it is silly to think of impressing a God, who saves by grace… yet that was pretty mixed up in my brain.

While playing video games with my son.
I BB “I needed attention.”
        “I failed”  (which I always do at competitive video games, but he is very patient.)
        BB-“Successful people mattered more” thinking largely of my younger sister who is a doctor, plays piano… and also of the people with disabilities that I work with regularly.
        BB- “I didn't matter,” largely thinking of my job & the small effect it has compared to my sister's job & the job that I planned to do.  Also thinking of social events where I am so ignored that I needed even be there- even though I am wanted there.
      BB- “I lost” spurred on by loosing game after game to my son, but also thought of sports, education, interviews, jobs, attention seeking as a child…

Around 1 O'clock I was feeling tired and I laid down and did the positive ones I'd thought of during my longer break yesterday.

quantum- “I have been given life to the fullest”  (It felt to long so I dropped it down to 'I have been given life” part way through.) This was really powerful.  I often feel like I don't deserve good things/ even life at some level.  So that fact that God gave me life wheather I deserve it or not really sunk in.  I'd meant for the focus to be on the “to the full” part based on John 10:10, but life alone ended up being the powerful part.

Quantumed- “I have been given hope (love, joy. peace, & friendship)”  The idea of hope included the others.  I pictured the world HOPE surrounded by the smaller words of love, joy, peace 7 friendship, when ever hope was the word of emphasis…  part way through our cat broke something and I came up to comfort my crying daughter.

Despight getting interupted, I felt much more energized than when I had started.

I clicked through some guilt of having suicidality especially as a Christian, because the two don't line up.

Later at music practice, I stared out at the chairs that will be an audience tomorroh and all of the gunk came up softly… as is comon for public speakng to bring up insecurities.  I thought of the good statements like “I have been given life.”  “I focus on hope.”  It ended up being a very soul touching practice.

I thought “I'm no longer going to kill myself” & wondered how to click that.  The scripture refrences really spoke me me.  I looked them up and felt great assurance.  I'd like to QT some of them. 

It seems like too much time to PSTEC everything, but I have around 50 years left on earth so it doesn't have to be all this week.

I'm hoping to QT on being choosen before the creation on the earth before bed.

4-17
I clicked as I thought through things.  A lot became more clear and the twisted lies I'd been believing were clearer.

4-18
BB-I had to please Mom
BB- I had to impress Mom  (to honor her/ to matter)
BB- I had to have atttention to matter

Hoping to BB-I had to please people… when I have more time.