Reply To: PSTEC for suicidality & bipolar

#26481
AvatarJen
PSTEC User

4-6-19
BB–“I couldn't fix it. ” mostly about my breathing issues related to not being able to afford airway focused orthodontics and not being able to retrain the tongue posture on my own.

BB- “I couldn't afford it.” – started with thinking of braces and travel, but went into driving to local hikes, money to connect, therapy…

Afternoon
BB- “There was too much too do.”
BB- There wasn't enough ” money and time.

CTing guilt you have had:

–  about not feeling you have achieved what you set out to achieve.

4/8/29-

CTing the days worries

4/9/19

Clicking the days worries, especially around braces.

Even though we can afford braces, found answers to airway issues, and my husband and I agree.  These big desicous and costs bring back the death wishes. 

I finally found a medical field I can see makes a difference, I'd love to be an orthadonitis, but it's 9-14 years and I don't want to invest that plus…

BB- I'm too dumb to be a doctor

4/12- Woke up very anxious about health… getting the kids braces, which treatment is best, should we get a second oppion, which allergy testing should we do… if we go to a allergy doctor will they just give us medicine and want us to have body parts removed (tonsils, adnoids)… Which natural health doctor is best… which is worth the cost… how can we justify the cost… should I get braces as suggested… would damon braces system be less painful and work as well…  am I just complcating things… Did Sarah's vision therapy do any good…

I clicked this before the day but was still anxious.  I listened to a book on diaphram breathing and not getting too much Oxygen during work… humming.  The breathing made me feel a lot better.

Then listened to a book on goal setting (sort of) Rachel Hollis, “Girl stop appologizing”
We had a great evening & happy dreams.

4/13-
Woke up happy

Woke up praying, thankful and happy.  Did some house work, gargled a cup of water, nasel irragation and then PSTEC

BB- I wasn't a goal person

BB-I talked bad about people/ I talked about bad news.

That last one just upset me as I got thinking about an unhappy relative who I don't know what to do about.  I typed out an idea sheet about finance options for her. 

It's too bad that PSTEC took me from happy to upset today… thinking about the relative… now all there is to do.  PSTEC is one of those things.

I bought cascade and used it on the idea or wanting to be dead, no one wanting me, heaven being better than earth…

I realized a time later than I expected where the idea of suicide was surprising.  I think that was a landmark moment. 

I bought and used hypnotic time machine.  I made a stop on a day I had a fight with friends in high school and changed that day.  Then I imagined a day 3 years later that had been hurtful & how changing the first day had made the second wonderful.  I imagined my friend asking me to be college roomates that day and how excited we were.

I feel really great after that one.

I'm also gargling salt water and doing nasal irrigation twice a day.  I'm got an aligner for correct jaw posture today.  I can tell that my airways are opening up.  With all of this combined, I look forward to a great sleep.

4/15/19
Cascade-
First thing in the morning did cascade on “I'm not enough.”

4/16/19
Cascade- Too much to do/ Not enough time with a little focus on not enough money… time to earn money.

4/22/19-
After Cascading on the suicidality and a number of other topics (only one a day) the death wishes seem to be worse. 

(I also started writing 10 things that I'm thankful for at about the same time, perhaps that is triggering things.) 

It's discouraging because I don't have hours a day to do PSTEC…

4/23/19-
After reading another post about a similar but more extreem situation than mine, I really focused on one emotion.  I didn't even get to finish the whole session before it was time to go jogging with my husband.  But here's what happened. 

I focused on “failure.”  After researching correct tongue posture and mewing I was hoping to fix my kids jaws without braces.  After another talk with the orthadontis I decided to go forward with the $5,000 braces.  I was really hoping to fix the problem with tongue traing and myobrace type appliances.  It's just that I found it too late for both of them.  The myobrace didn't fit correclty for our daughter.  As I clicked on this I got off track a bit and brought it back to the emotion.

During it I realized that- yes- I failed to save $8,000 or more in braces, but the reseach led to treating her airway issues & his impacted teeth when neither would have been addressed well if we'd waited until 14.  By then he'd have impacted or pull teeth & she'd had 4 more years of airway issues.  By then both jaw expansions would be much harder.  So it wasn't the savings I hoped, but it was a success.

I don't know if he would have gotten braces normally, but I do know that my husband always planne don them & that he will have healthier airways, bones & jaws for the treatment plan that we are on.

These decisions & the failure feeling it so much of what brings on the death wishes.  I wish I had more time/ made more time to click… but this was good progress.

The another issue is that I shame myself for feeling bad.  Another person in life does that to me too.  So I feel icky today… oh well letting myself feel it and it will pass.  (Maybe that came from clicking or jogging or praying… but I'm glad to see it.)