Reply To: PSTEC for suicidality & bipolar


    Thank you

    BB first thing to come to mind, first thing. The morning.
    BB12 no – Life had to be a struggle.

    PQT- while “Life is easier now that I'm living by grace.”
    PQT while washing dishes “Life is better now that I”m living by grace.”

    Shortly later I got really worked up, on the verge of tears… trying to get to work on time.

    Then I click tracked once I got there (early.)
    Once I was calmer I
    10 min. BB-Life is unbearable (which was far more believable than yesterday.)

    When I picked my daughter up from her 1.5 hours at school she was in big tears because one of her best friends doesn't want to be friends anymore.  I talked to her calmly about it.  Not so long ago I would have fallen apart, that I didn't know how to teach her social skills… So it went well for what was going on. 

    Last night I click tracked:
    CT This —-> There are SO many things to click.  I'm wondering if I should redo it correctly or just leave it.
    and bing afraid of anxiety.

    I didn't get either down to zero but came up with the idea to use the emotional eraser.

    I did the emotional eraser on being afraid of anxiety, but I was sleepy and distracted so I did it again first thing this morning. (It was my first time with this & I'm easily distracted & not sure it's working.)

    Then I did 12 min BB- on “I couldn't get the click tracks to zero.”

    The next part involves my faith so it that offends anyone you may want to skip it.  It's too much a part of my process to leave it out.

    Then BB- “Anxiety was bad/sinful.”
    Then BB- Anxiety/sin had to be avoided.

    I saw how ironic it is to have anxiety over future anxiety and that that isn't avoiding it at all.  I thought about how skipping out on parts of life to avoid anxiety is not the same as avoiding substance abuse by not trying things, or staying away from strip clubs…  Instead of avoiding anxiety is staying away from regular life because I'm not willing to trust God is enough to get me through it or that if I sin it's forgiven or that the Holy Spirit lives in me and will get me through it.

    When that was done, I did my daily thankfulness from yesterday.  I list 10 things each day. 

    I was feeling gleeful with the list, untill I got to this one:
    Thank you God that Sarah recovered so well, and happy from her sad recess. It's really amazing to see how active listening and compassion can turn things around. It's encouraging to see that things can turn around at all. Basically, these are the life moments that I didn't think I had the right social skills to help her with, but it worked out fine. Which is very wonderful.

    I do them on a Facebook post to my close friends group.  I added and then deleted that “I had been through freinds ditching me on a youth trip and didn't recover for years if ever.” 

    So then I click tracked that.  I remember during the same trip how the youth sponsor threateded to send me home, by bus, because i skipped a class.  I'd often thought how I should have just got off on the wrong spot and disappeared forever.  After all I lost all my friends at once.

    While clicking I remembered some team work with one of the friends after the event and how she really was a good friend.  I thought of another one, a cousin, who I'm on friendly terms with now, but still kind of scared of/ feel rejected by.  Even though facts don't line up with the way I feel- I felt disconeccted and alone for years, desipight having many friends.  I expect I was disconnected and lacking social skills & support to start with or the even would have been more like Sarah's yesterday… easily recovered from. 

    I have used the time machine, two stops, on this event- about a month ago.

    As I clicked it today, tears rolled down my cheeks wondering what would have happened if I'd disappeared.  How my parents would have reacted if Jason had sent me on a grey hound home.  (I didn't miss anymore classes, and wouldn't have without the treat, so I got to stay and expereience a week of missery.)  I also thought how useless it was to prevent a 17 year old from going to 3 days of growth classes, because she missed one/ or two.  That is useless punishment that goes against your goal in taking a group to such a confrence. 

    As I clicked on feeling alone, I thought of Grandma and our wonderful visits.  I also thought of how i got in trouble for staying at her house after curfew.  That was so misunderstood.  (I was told curfew was because, “there's nothing good to do after midnight.”  Singing with Grandma playing the piano & talking with her was good.  (Of course Mom wanted to go to bed knowing I was safe would have been a logic reason, which was probably more of the real reason.) 

    Then I thought of how Grandma use to say my X-boy friend was so handsome.  I felt uncomfortable because she didn't know he'd cheated on me.  Remembering that while I click tracked, I wondered why I didn't telll this wonderful accepting Grandma/ friend the real reason we broke up.  Maybe because sex was an uncomfortable topic.  Maybe because she'd feel too bad for me.  It doesn't make sense to not be open with the one person who you could be.

    I thought of doing Cascade on this, but clicked it first.  I've rarely to ever managed to click things down to zero.

    BB- life should have been fair ( Which seems very believable right up until the end of the track.  I didn't sense a change.)
    OBlige should have been good
    BB-I should have been happy
    Here are a few great beliefs  you have me to blast- could I phase then like this to be past tense?

    The world should have been fair
    The world should have been just

    update: done with those.  Former questions no longer relevant.