Bully in the gym

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May 16, 2018 at 12:39 am#22063
Daniel Wynn
PSTEC User
Hi guys,
As the title suggests really. I do mixed martial arts fighting. I had around 6-7 years experience under my belt. But have had a long long break. Now years later, I am back at it. I keep constantly being put to spar one particular person, a person who doesnt care for respect. He keeps attempting to land knock out punches into me, and has caused my nose to bleed 2 times now. When we spared last he landed an elbow into my head, and punched me a further three times with punches intended to harm. I chose to speak up and explain he was out of line, which he responded with something a long the lines of if i hit you my hardest you would be on the floor knocked out. It got heated and he was about to gravitate the situation into a fight, when the trainers intervened. This guy has no means of communication, only looking to feed his own ego. How do i deal with this? Sparing isn't meant to be like this, i know that because i was taught by the best. And they knew the best. I know I'm rusty and trying to get stuck in again, this is just knocking my confidence. I'm also finding it hard not to put the pressure on, as if I'm somehow holding back, maybe out of fear of hurting my opponent. I'm not sure if this situation is feeding into that or not. I haven't managed to get any decent sparring sessions in as I'm always up against that dickhead so its a little hard to build myself up again. If its any consolation, something I'm not proud of. Is i have in one way or another hurt a lot people. I've never been a bully myself. But lets say i didnt live in the most quietest place, and everybody wanted to be somebody. So you either protect yourself, or in some cases end up in hospital or worse. I have managed to move past that, but i think in way or another, i never want to hurt people like i did (justified or not) ever again. Which is a little hard not to in an mma gym when its a full contact sport. But there is a difference between a controlled fighter and a brute. I consider myself the former, but just a little conflicted, and would like to really find the balance. Hope that makes sense. Thanks.
May 16, 2018 at 2:04 pm#25971
Brian Tucker
PSTEC User
Clearingman –
All the answers you need are in what you typed.
– Suggest you CT any and all feelings around this bully down to a 1 or better yet a 0
– Listen to this recording – It is specific to bullies and has a positive phrase in there that can help you shift how you perceive this situation as you word it specific to your situation.
https://pstecaudiosource.org/2993/bullying
- One word you said was “he is a dickhead” ok CT that – also ct these:
  a person who doesn't care for respect.
  He keeps attempting to land knock out punches into me, and has caused my nose to bleed 2 times now.
  with punches intended to harm.
  I chose to speak up and explain he was out of line, which he responded with something a long the lines of if i hit you my hardest you would be on the floor knocked out.
  This guy has no means of communication, only looking to feed his own ego.
  I know I'm rusty and trying to get stuck in again,
  this is just knocking my confidence.
  finding it hard not to put the pressure on
  I'm somehow holding back
  fear of hurting my opponent.
  I'm always up against that dickhead
  something I'm not proud of.
  Is i have in one way or another hurt a lot people.
  i didnt live in the most quietest place
  everybody wanted to be somebody
  you either protect yourself, or in some cases end up in hospital or worse.
  I have managed to move past that (no you haven't – you are replaying it subconsciously right now)
  i never want to hurt people like i did (justified or not) ever again (ct those memories of what you did).
  Which is a little hard not to in an mma gym when its a full contact sport.
  But there is a difference between a controlled fighter and a brute. I consider just a little conflicted
  Hope that makes sense
May 17, 2018 at 1:23 pm#25972
Paul McCabe
PSTEC Pro and Forum Moderator
Hi Clearingman,
Thanks for posting.
As well as the tips shared by Brian, I think it can be helpful to take on the other person's perspective. What we might label bullying is possibly just a survival strategy or unresolved anger on his part. What sort of beliefs and feelings might this guy be holding to behave in that way? What sort of life experiences has he possibly had?
He may believe that “hurting people makes me significant”, for instance, or “the way to get respect is to intimidate people.”
I mention this as the frame in which we position something has a bearing on how we react. Now, don't get me wrong, his behaviour is obviously not appropriate in that context and you have every right to expect better treatment/conduct. However, it might not be personal and probably isn't.
You also have every right to defend yourself, of course. This is not me saying “turn the other cheek”, but you may benefit from just asking for a different sparring partner or trying to take on his perspective.
Conflicts can be resolved simply by accepting that everyone has or has had internal conflicts, or simple inconsistencies in their character. I can't think of a single person who hasn't hurt someone in some way. Manny Pacquiao, for instance, has done so much for his people, yet has also put other fighters in hospital. There is a context to everything and, when someone steps in the ring, it is a different context with different rules.
So, as well what Brian suggested, it might be worth checking whether the following beliefs resonate with you. If so, you can eliminate them with the Belief Blasters:
“He didn't respect me”
“He was bullying me”
“He was trying to enrage me”
“It was bad to hurt people”
“If I hurt him, I would have been bad”
“Anger was dangerous”
“I was a dangerous person”
You may not have all or any of these, so check in and see. You can logically counter every, single belief. This is also a very useful strategy.
With Quantum Turbo, you can layer in the following suggestions:
“Even when people are angry, I can be calm”
“I've every right to protect myself, as it makes sense”
“No matter what happened in the past, I forgive myself”
“Controlled aggression is useful for sparring, so I can relax”
“I helped more people than I hurt, so I can relax”
Thanks again for posting.
Please update the thread and let us know how it goes.
Best Regards,
Paul
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
http://www.lifestyleforchange.com
Please contact me anytime if you want any assistance in utilising PSTEC to help you live a life of tremendous freedom & possibility.
Recreate yourself with PSTEC.
Skype, Zoom, in-person & phone sessions available…
May 17, 2018 at 4:42 pm#25973
Daniel Wynn
PSTEC User
Clearingman –
All the answers you need are in what you typed.
– Suggest you CT any and all feelings around this bully down to a 1 or better yet a 0
– Listen to this recording – It is specific to bullies and has a positive phrase in there that can help you shift how you perceive this situation as you word it specific to your situation.
https://pstecaudiosource.org/2993/bullying
- One word you said was “he is a dickhead” ok CT that – also ct these:
  a person who doesn't care for respect.
  He keeps attempting to land knock out punches into me, and has caused my nose to bleed 2 times now.
  with punches intended to harm.
  I chose to speak up and explain he was out of line, which he responded with something a long the lines of if i hit you my hardest you would be on the floor knocked out.
  This guy has no means of communication, only looking to feed his own ego.
  I know I'm rusty and trying to get stuck in again,
  this is just knocking my confidence.
  finding it hard not to put the pressure on
  I'm somehow holding back
  fear of hurting my opponent.
  I'm always up against that dickhead
  something I'm not proud of.
  Is i have in one way or another hurt a lot people.
  i didnt live in the most quietest place
  everybody wanted to be somebody
  you either protect yourself, or in some cases end up in hospital or worse.
  I have managed to move past that (no you haven't – you are replaying it subconsciously right now)
  i never want to hurt people like i did (justified or not) ever again (ct those memories of what you did).
  Which is a little hard not to in an mma gym when its a full contact sport.
  But there is a difference between a controlled fighter and a brute. I consider just a little conflicted
  Hope that makes sense
Hi Brian.
That was an awesome response, thank you for those ideas and putting things into context like that. Your right I had all the answers in there, It's easier to see from that perspective now. I'm going to keep on working on that tonight. Do you think it might take me a while to get through everything there? Ill let you know how it goes next time I go up against him lol. What sort of suggestions can I layer in for better performance, I understand the mind has to believe its possible first. So, is it best to work through on softer suggestions for a little while before going in with harder suggestions? Also if you were already there before how do you achieve a higher performance than you have already achieved (without knowing the limit of where you want to be). For instance when the fight goes to the floor I find my opponent manages to get the upper hand on me on more occasions than i do, and with that I have actually lost a few fights. So, how would I make things realistic in this situation, because I can't win every fight on ground work alone, because every opponent is different, right? Just like I can't bob and weave every punch or elbow thrown my way, it doesn't sound realistic. So how do I make this more of a reality, or is it even possible to evade my opponents attacks that much? My overall fitness and health isn't where I want it to be either, I would like to be able to make it through rounds without it being such hard work. Would I need to suggest that I am working harder which as a result improve my fitness, or just go straight in with “I am fit and healthy, and training is easier now.”
Thank you for your help.
May 17, 2018 at 4:57 pm#25974
Daniel Wynn
PSTEC User
Hi Clearingman,
Thanks for posting.
As well as the tips shared by Brian, I think it can be helpful to take on the other person's perspective. What we might label bullying is possibly just a survival strategy or unresolved anger on his part. What sort of beliefs and feelings might this guy be holding to behave in that way? What sort of life experiences has he possibly had?
He may believe that “hurting people makes me significant”, for instance, or “the way to get respect is to intimidate people.”
I mention this as the frame in which we position something has a bearing on how we react. Now, don't get me wrong, his behaviour is obviously not appropriate in that context and you have every right to expect better treatment/conduct. However, it might not be personal and probably isn't.
You also have every right to defend yourself, of course. This is not me saying “turn the other cheek”, but you may benefit from just asking for a different sparring partner or trying to take on his perspective.
Conflicts can be resolved simply by accepting that everyone has or has had internal conflicts, or simple inconsistencies in their character. I can't think of a single person who hasn't hurt someone in some way. Manny Pacquiao, for instance, has done so much for his people, yet has also put other fighters in hospital. There is a context to everything and, when someone steps in the ring, it is a different context with different rules.
So, as well what Brian suggested, it might be worth checking whether the following beliefs resonate with you. If so, you can eliminate them with the Belief Blasters:
“He didn't respect me”
“He was bullying me”
“He was trying to enrage me”
“It was bad to hurt people”
“If I hurt him, I would have been bad”
“Anger was dangerous”
“I was a dangerous person”
You may not have all or any of these, so check in and see. You can logically counter every, single belief. This is also a very useful strategy.
With Quantum Turbo, you can layer in the following suggestions:
“Even when people are angry, I can be calm”
“I've every right to protect myself, as it makes sense”
“No matter what happened in the past, I forgive myself”
“Controlled aggression is useful for sparring, so I can relax”
“I helped more people than I hurt, so I can relax”
Thanks again for posting.
Please update the thread and let us know how it goes.
Best Regards,
Paul
Hi paul,
I completely understand where your coming from with that. I have already taken a look and tried to see things through his eyes. I don't blame him, I don't think its his fault. His whole ego and outlook on life is not very good, in fact his persona stinks. People have already mentioned to me what a bully he is, and how he had attempted to bully them, but nobody spoke up I guess for whatever reason. The sad fact is, I made an attempt to “talk” things out with him and in response he wanted to fight me in the gym bare knuckles, no wraps or padding. He probably thinks the second one, some people become desensitised to violence, and he maybe thinks throwing his weight around earns him respect. In a self defence gym though, it should be the opposite, its a place of peace and respect. It's a shelter, to some even a second home.
So, maybe his views are distorted. But, the fact that we are training in the same gym should mean when we step in the ring together it wouldn't be to harm but to learn. I have had fights and when I step in the ring to perform in that setting your right, its all out, I still have respect but I'm looking to win. So when I land my kicks or punches, they will hurt, because I'm going to win.
On a different note but slightly related, how do you remove emotions or behaviours you pick up from other people?
Thanks.
May 17, 2018 at 6:03 pm#25975
Paul McCabe
PSTEC Pro and Forum Moderator
Hi Clearingman,
Thanks for your reply.
Absolutely. You are being completely reasonable and, no matter what has happened in his life, you and anyone else in the gym have every right to expect respect and courtesy.
The 2nd part of my post (in combination with what Brian suggested) is, I reckon; what will tip things for you.
What particular behaviours and emotions are you referencing?
Look forward to your reply,
Paul
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
http://www.lifestyleforchange.com
Please contact me anytime if you want any assistance in utilising PSTEC to help you live a life of tremendous freedom & possibility.
Recreate yourself with PSTEC.
Skype, Zoom, in-person & phone sessions available…
May 21, 2018 at 2:31 pm#25976
Daniel Wynn
PSTEC User
Hi Clearingman,
Thanks for your reply.
Absolutely. You are being completely reasonable and, no matter what has happened in his life, you and anyone else in the gym have every right to expect respect and courtesy.
The 2nd part of my post (in combination with what Brian suggested) is, I reckon; what will tip things for you.
What particular behaviours and emotions are you referencing?
Look forward to your reply,
Paul
Hi paul,
It's not something I completely understand, but ill explain the best I can. So in our model of reality, we have beliefs, emotions and behaviours. When we are very young we have no critical factor, so are more susceptible to suggestions. We learn them from our parents, surroundings etc in order to survive. What I'd like to know is how to address other people's emotions. Like for instance, if I see somebody getting really angry at a situation or they feel very strongly about something, it will rub off on me. That is how we learn after all, right? How do I address that?
May 21, 2018 at 2:42 pm#25977
Daniel Wynn
PSTEC User
So, as well what Brian suggested, it might be worth checking whether the following beliefs resonate with you. If so, you can eliminate them with the Belief Blasters:
“He didn't respect me”
“He was bullying me”
“He was trying to enrage me”
“It was bad to hurt people”
“If I hurt him, I would have been bad”
“Anger was dangerous”
“I was a dangerous person”
You may not have all or any of these, so check in and see. You can logically counter every, single belief. This is also a very useful strategy.
I almost forgot. I ran those through the belief blaster. You mention to logically counter every single belief. I can see what your getting at, but I'm a little confused as to where to turn it.
For instance.
“It was bad to hurt people”
It doesn't feel very true anymore. It just kind of feels empty. But what could be the opposite to that, because hurting people isn't good either. I know on a logical level if I went around hurting people for no reason it would obviously be a bad move. What good can come out of removing that belief, and also what could I turn that into for it to be positive?
Thanks
May 21, 2018 at 3:48 pm#25978
Brian Tucker
PSTEC User
Hi Clearingman,
Thanks for your reply.
Absolutely. You are being completely reasonable and, no matter what has happened in his life, you and anyone else in the gym have every right to expect respect and courtesy.
The 2nd part of my post (in combination with what Brian suggested) is, I reckon; what will tip things for you.
What particular behaviours and emotions are you referencing?
Look forward to your reply,
Paul
Hi paul,
It's not something I completely understand, but ill explain the best I can. So in our model of reality, we have beliefs, emotions and behaviours. When we are very young we have no critical factor, so are more susceptible to suggestions. We learn them from our parents, surroundings etc in order to survive. What I'd like to know is how to address other people's emotions. Like for instance, if I see somebody getting really angry at a situation or they feel very strongly about something, it will rub off on me. That is how we learn after all, right? How do I address that?
Here are a few examples. There are countless ways of doing it.
When other people are I'm from now on
When someone is I'm/I feel from now on
When other people are I'm from now on
You could also frame it in the past:
Angry people used to bother me as I'm safe around angry people now
Angry people used to be dangerous as I'm safe around angry people now
You can even go at a higher level:
The way others feel has nothing to do with me from now on
The way other people feel is their/not my responsibility from now on
As always, these are just some ideas. It's best to use what comes to YOUR mind to create the suggestions specific to you.
May 21, 2018 at 4:57 pm#25979
Paul McCabe
PSTEC Pro and Forum Moderator
Hi Clearingman,
Thanks for your post.
Yes, you are correct that it is not always appropriate to add the opposite of an unwanted belief – generally, this would be a good approach with negative self-esteem beliefs.
So, when I mention logically countering the belief, I mean that you can think of the events and logically counter the beliefs you formed.
So, as you think of those events, you came up with “It was bad to hurt people”
Some counterexamples about hurting people might be:
“It was bad to hurt THOSE people, but sometimes people get hurt in life and people learn important lessons as a result”
“Sometimes, in self-defence, people might have to be hurt to protect myself and others.This can save lives”
“Hurting people might be bad if I do it intentionally”
“Hurting people was just a consequence of what was going on at that time. The context is different now.”
“People can be hurt in combat sports and this is part of the game.”
“Sometimes people are hurt if they are overly sensitive and getting hurt CAN build character and resolve”
So, this is not me saying “hurting people is good”, but just that “hurting people is bad” is not an objective truth. If someone has been violent in the past and hurt people, they could use these experiences as a catalyst to changing how they react.
That is why I would not recommend layering in an opposite suggestion like “Hurting people is good” with one of the Positive tracks.
Instead, you can layer in (with PQT) suggestions like Brian has put forward and “I can forgive myself for times when I hurt people”, “I was always a good person, even if I hurt people” or “hurting people made me realize there's a better way to solve situations”
Hope that helps.
Paul
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
http://www.lifestyleforchange.com
Please contact me anytime if you want any assistance in utilising PSTEC to help you live a life of tremendous freedom & possibility.
Recreate yourself with PSTEC.
Skype, Zoom, in-person & phone sessions available…
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