Reply To: Caring too much what others think
OK – I'm back with 3 chapters in this book :
I have been taking time trying to determine what insight I might be able to offer. I want to touch on all your points but feel there is a bit of a domino effect and I can't touch on every topic that connects. I write too much! This is absurd in length.
Our beliefs system guides our life experiences – – so in essence what you believe, is true for you. (remember, I'm generalizing with you).
“benefits in what I believe other people think is off: as it makes you more in touch with someone if you care what their opinions are”.
Thank you for describing your beliefs – I was most sincere when I asked. There is a difference between valuing & respecting the opinions of people you care about, respect & value vs. caring about what other people's opinions are – – about you! A lot of conversation is simply the exchange of opinions. What I am writing now, is my opinion.
In essence with friends and colleagues we care about others opinions about LIFE – – when people share it does bring you closer but this is an exchange & is very different from needing others opinions for approval of your own ideas about life or needing their opinions in order to guide how you 'should' live your life.
The later is a need for approval from others about how you live your life. Wanting their acceptance & validation of choices.
It is normal to want to feel accepted, valuable, loved – – – appreciated. The glitch in the matrix is – – you are actually craving all of this from YOUR SELF. You are craving this acceptance most of all – – – from you.
The goal in self-work is to find a path that allows you to clear all that is in the way of fully loving and accepting yourself. (& if that is a placebo effect – take it!). I know it is cliché and trite but it is that simple – – – you need to like you. You need to value yourself. . . and here it comes – – – you have to love your 'self' first. The person you are really seeking approval from – – is YOU!!! When you start finding appreciation for who you are – – – everything in your life starts changing – for the better.
Right now the focus is outside of self – looking to others for validation. PSTEC allows you to focus “inside” – – – focus 'with in' & connect with SELF quickly. With PSTEC you can clear what is preventing self-loving and I often mention – – – what is not love, is fear. Clear the fear!
“Where I am in constant worry of being judged negatively and have this belief set that their opinions are of a great value”
The roots (fear) of this are from the same place as I describe above and in the other post:Obsessive-worry about others opinions
When a person does not think highly of their self and they hold other people in higher regard than their self (they trust others more than self) – – – they are not secure with self yet. The worrying thoughts is how weight accumulates on the negative side of the scale. Typically a person who is afraid of being judged by others has been judging their self first & usually for a long time.
I am often shocked at the horrible things people can easily say about or to their self yet they would never ever be so cruel to another human being's face. Not even someone they dislike.
To answer your question how does repeating a bunch of 'positive statements' actually make you believe it? ? ? EXACTLY the same way repeating a bunch of 'negative statements' repeatedly, regularly, day in – day out – – – compiling and compounding – year after year make you believe certain things. Same formula – – flipped.
I do recommend getting a notebook and recalling memories and feelings and get to the detective work of clearing the muckity muck (a Cynthia word) with PSTEC Click Tracks – – – there is not a set number of times, weeks, months per se. But I would recommend doing the clearing for several weeks – looking over your lists, re-rating numbers and checking your sting level around the worry and anxiety and fear around this. Go back and back and back in time – search for memories and episodes where people you respected hurt your feelings because they didn't like something you liked or wore or something you thought was 'so cool' and every memory that carries this type of sting.
If PSTEC is a placebo effect – I could care less. If a placebo effect is what works – than that is what matters to me. If that is the concept that gets my mind to cooperate and give me peace – fine by me. I would consider myself a super skeptic. Just because 8 million people think something is amazing – I don't just accept something works,I will love it, it is useful to me or does what it claims in its marketing. Why? Because I got toys as a kid that did not do what they did on TV and additionally I disliked many movies & other 'things' that other people LOVED. I have to know how I FEEL about something first hand.
I went into EFT a skeptic and came out a non-smoker. That was my test. EFT lead me to PSTEC – a therapist whose work I like recommended it. I went in with a very 'whatever' attitude about it. I was not actively looking for something to help get me unstuck from anything.
I found a topic to do my first test. I knew it worked for me after round 1. 3 rounds later I was just laughing – laughing and laughing – released – Gone. Then I really had to test it on something specific and knew I wasn't super happy about the fact that I was not comfortable doing certain things in public alone. I didn't like the way I felt at certain times and I was super worried what other people thought or 'might' be thinking. In particular to this specific scene I was concerned about hair, dress, smell, posture, proper manners, etiquette, being a good follow, keeping the beat, learning the steps, wearing the right shoes and being poised. More times than I can count men said to me relax, relax and I thought — I AM (well, that was my relaxed). I worked on this weekly over several weeks to a couple months. Eventually I started using PSTEC Positive & I got to a point where I could do pstec positive in the moment.
Most people are not thinking about you. They are thinking about their self.
A way to do your own test might be to work on about 5 different memories & the feelings attached – – – do a minimum of 3 click track rounds for clearing each issue/memory/feeling and then see what you think! You may also consider working with a therapist to help you formulate a plan.
End of Chapter 3.3 :-X