Caring too much what others think

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  • #21452
    AvatarK77
    PSTEC User

    Hey everyone,

    Exactly what it says in the title really! I care an awful lot what others think, i know this has its benefits in some ways but i would really love to know the best way to accept and love myself and start feeding my sub some beleifs that others peoples opinons and judgements are not really needed to the extent I beleive they are currently.

    Could i use Pstec Positive with this, if so what kinda statments could I use? I was thinking such as

    “I dont need to worry what other people think of me” and “all that matters is my opinon and my personal judgement of myself”

    but im weary as I was taught to never say “dont” etc in pstec positive as its a negative, and we naturally turn “dont” into “do”

    Anything help would be fantastic, thanks

    Kay

    #22761
    AvatarMeghan Saunders
    PSTEC User

    Hi Kay and welcome –

    I wrote a rather long reply to this topic here:
    worry-and-obsessive-thoughts-about-other-people

    First, work with your emotions and feelings, memories and fear surrounding future events for some time.  Then when you have cleared through a lot of muck – start incorporating PSTEC Positive.

    If that is an issue for you why not simply coin other positive statements that don't contain don't

    • I am worry free about what other people think of me!
    • [/list]

    • I could care less what other people think about me.
    • [/list]

    • I love and accept myself at all times. . .
    • I love and accept myself even when I feel __________________.
    • I feel calm and confident in every situation.
    • I feel calm and confident when: ____________________________ 
    • [/list]

    • I'm around new people. 
    • Around Strangers. 
    • Around ____________________. 
    • In public… at work…  speaking in front of people… wearing anything I want to wear
    • [/list]
      WHATEVER works for you and your situation.  Look over your life and take notes on what bothers you – when did it start – what memories are involved?  The details are described in the other post: worry-and-obsessive-thoughts-about-other-people

      Hope this helps – meghan

    #22762
    AvatarMeghan Saunders
    PSTEC User

    p.s.  I'm curious – sincerely – – – what do you believe are the benefits in caring what other people think?

    #22763
    AvatarK77
    PSTEC User

    Hey Meghan, thanks very much for your reply :)
    Such an interesting topic and its lovely to speak to someone about it. Well to answer your question about what are benefits in what I believe other people think is off: as it makes you more in touch with someone if you care what their opinions are. I guess it’s normal to do it but some people like me just do/care way too much! Where I am in constant worry of being judged negatively and have this belief set that their opinions are of a great value. You know the type plenty off “what if’s” and “what would they say or think” constant flying around in my mind! I guess its really what you said in the other thread – if you completely loved and accepted yourself you wouldn’t desire the need for others people’s opinions/acceptance in the first place.
    Also Like when some people say to me “they don’t care at all what other people think” I think that must be nonsense as everyone cares what other people think of them to some extent – as an example of this is why wouldn’t you just go to work naked without any clothes on if you truly felt like it one day? Funny example I know but hope it gets over the point I mean.
    This is part of what I believe is behind my problems with anxiety and a worry I have over my face going red (blushing) – as it very much connected in with what other people think.

    Thanks also for the positive statements
    With PSTEC Positive how many times after clearing the emotion would it take for a suggestion to be accepted on average? Its silly but I think how does saying something over and over actually make you believe it, if there’s a little resistance of the process there?

    Off topic:
    Meghan I recently showed the click tracks to a friend who has had a fear of flying for years and I suggested PSTEC, she tried them on a fearful situation a few times and immediately said she feels PSTEC only works if you believe it does. She went on to suggest it’s like the placebo effect. As in it tricks the mind in to believing the feelings are disrupted and then gone. So if you never actually believed the tracks were breaking up the negative feelings they would in fact still be present, I would love your thoughts on this as I guess she’s put some negative thoughts my way when doing my own PSTEC work! When all I was doing was try to help!! :(
    Thanks ever so much!
    Have great day,
      ;)
    Kay

    #22764
    AvatarNick Earl
    PSTEC User

    Hi Kay,

    My name is Nick, and I was the person who started the other thread (obsessive thoughts about other people's opinions) as I have a similar problem with my beliefs on the value of other people's opinions.

    I think it's valuable to remember that really it has nothing to do with anyone else, it's actually not their opinion you're worried about when it comes down to it, it's that you don't like the opinion you hold of yourself, and so you  fear other people will have this same negative opinion of you, that you already have. Crazy hey?? (when I say “you” in this context, I mean myself aswell by the way)

    Ultimately this is just another trick of the “ego” or whatever your term for it is, the self protective, but often extremely negative part of ourselves that runs automatically, and that we unconsciously identify with as who we are. This part of us, that runs subconsciously, of course means well, and wants to protect us, but at the same time, is completely irrational, and ultimately if it gets out of control, can cause us a lot of unnecessary dysfunction and suffering in life (as you know).

    When you say that everyone has a fear of disapproval, and a need for approval from others (even when people say they don't care what others think) you're generally right I think. This is one of those “mental programs” that basically all human beings get taught right from the get go, as newborn babies. Obviously some people have it much more than others (which comes from negative experiences of the past where other people's disapproval caused you significant emotional pain – usually early childhood, or before the age of 6-7 is the popular consensus)

    You mention that you have problems with your face going red, etc. It sounds like (from someone who also experiences and understands this from their own life) you have a degree of what is labeled as “social anxiety” – which often stems from picking up negative beliefs about your self worth, and how kind (or unkind) other people are in general – again, these things are picked up in childhood, and are not in our conscious awareness – but you CAN become aware of them by how much you trust people, how you interact with people, etc.

    Your comments on PSTEC positive would best be answered by Meghan or someone else with more experience, as I'm totally new to this too.

    However, I can comment on your fears about PSTEC just being a placebo effect, and therefore not actually being a valid therapy. Here's the kicker, in a way, everything to do with beliefs, and changing your perceptions, etc, is a placebo effect.

    Basically the “placebo effect” is just your minds ability to create change through the power of belief. I was also worried about this idea in the past, and I found this great video from Robert Smith (founder of Faster EFT – which seems to also have very positive and powerful effects as a healing modality) Here's the video, he explains it well: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdRolW-7BoM

    Hope my ideas help you. I think one of the most important things to remember here is that you are NOT ALONE! A LOT of people experience these things – in fact (don't know the exact stats) but something like 7% if not more people in the US suffer from social anxiety (SEE:
    http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Healthday/story?id=4621523&page=1#.T5finquNMkQ – and that was back in 2008)

    If you are open to it, I think it might be valuable to have someone who is going through similar things to chat to here and there. I'd be happy to share my contacts with you, if that's something that you feel would help you get past this.

    Personally for me, I only just (in the past 6 months) worked out exactly what I was going through, and why I'd always had issues with friendships, relationships, caring what other people thought of me way too much, etc. I realized and have come to accept that the beliefs I picked up through my childhood experiences have led me to have something similar to what's labeled as SAD (social anxiety disorder).

    Hey, while not ideal to any degree, awareness is the first step. Now it's just a matter of working to neutralize negative feelings from my past, and begin to change my limiting beliefs about people, and myself, to beliefs that bring about more peace of mind, and a more positive, happy way of living.

    Take care, and remember, you are not alone (not even close!)

    Peace,

    Nick

    #22765
    AvatarNick Earl
    PSTEC User

    Wow,

    I am sorry Kay. I just reread what I wrote above:

    “I think it's valuable to remember that really it has nothing to do with anyone else, it's actually not their opinion you're worried about when it comes down to it, it's that you don't like the opinion you hold of yourself, and so you  fear other people will have this same negative opinion of you, that you already have. Crazy hey?? (when I say “you” in this context, I mean myself aswell by the way)”

    and realized how presumptuous of me that was. This is just what I think is really going on when I, (and I think it would apply to some other people too) – to say that that's definitely why you care what other people think is pretty damn arrogant of me, please excuse me for that  :)

    What I should have said, is that I experience a similar issue with worrying about other's perceptions of me, and I think that what I said above is the real reason behind it. It may or may not be the same for you, but just wanted to step in and say sorry for presuming I know why you do what you do…

    For all I know, there are many many different reasons why people care what other's think…

    Peace,

    Nick

    #22766
    AvatarMeghan Saunders
    PSTEC User

    You probably didn't mean it 'towards' Kay – Nick.

    Editing and writing – – emails and posts – – I think wording – – after re-reading sometimes for sure — I go UGH – – that sounds sooooooo – – – yuck!

    You make a good point though – – When I write to others – – I generalize and I use the term YOU to explain and feel like I am talking 'to' a person – – – but we don't really directly intend it to mean YOU YOU YOU!!!!  The person I am talking to – specifically.

    Getting the wording correct is still tricky for me – – – so I hope people recognize – any posts offering help do come from the right place even if our keyboards to not always strictly convey this 😮

    Kay I will come back later to address your post.

    Meghan

    #22767
    AvatarK77
    PSTEC User

    Hey Guys, Nick just sent you PM replying all to your thread this morning haha sorry it was abit long.

    Awesome Meghan cant wait for your reply later  ;)

    Sorry had to keep it short at work!!

    Cya

    Kay

    #22768
    AvatarMeghan Saunders
    PSTEC User

    OK – I'm back with 3 chapters in this book  ::)

    I have been taking time trying to determine what insight I might be able to offer.  I want to touch on all your points but feel there is a bit of a domino effect and I can't touch on every topic that connects.  I write too much!  This is absurd in length.

    Our beliefs system guides our life experiences – – so in essence what you believe, is true for you. (remember, I'm generalizing with you).

    “benefits in what I believe other people think is off: as it makes you more in touch with someone if you care what their opinions are”.

    Thank you for describing your beliefs – I was most sincere when I asked.  There is a difference between valuing & respecting the opinions of people you care about, respect & value vs. caring about what other people's opinions are – – about you!  A lot of conversation is simply the exchange of opinions. What I am writing now, is my opinion. 

    In essence with friends and colleagues we care about others opinions about LIFE – – when people share it does bring you closer but this is an exchange & is very different from needing others opinions for approval of your own ideas about life or needing their opinions in order to guide how you 'should' live your life.

    The later is a need for approval from others about how you live your life.  Wanting their acceptance & validation of choices.

    It is normal to want to feel accepted, valuable, loved – – – appreciated.  The glitch in the matrix is – – you are actually craving all of this from YOUR SELF.  You are craving this acceptance most of all – – – from you.

    The goal in self-work is to find a path that allows you to clear all that is in the way of fully loving and accepting yourself.  (& if that is a placebo effect – take it!).  I know it is cliché and trite but it is that simple – – – you need to like you.  You need to value yourself. . . and here it comes – – – you have to love your 'self' first.  The person you are really seeking approval from – – is YOU!!!  When you start finding appreciation for who you are – – – everything in your life starts changing – for the better.

    Right now the focus is outside of self – looking to others for validation.  PSTEC allows you to focus “inside” – – – focus  'with in'  & connect with SELF quickly.  With PSTEC you can clear what is preventing self-loving and I often mention – – – what is not love, is fear.  Clear the fear!

    “Where I am in constant worry of being judged negatively and have this belief set that their opinions are of a great value”

    The roots (fear) of this are from the same place as I describe above and in the other post:Obsessive-worry about others opinions

    When a person does not think highly of their self and they hold other people in higher regard than their self (they trust others more than self) – – – they are not secure with self yet.  The worrying thoughts is how weight accumulates on the negative side of the scale.  Typically a person who is afraid of being judged by others has been judging their self first & usually for a long time.

    I am often shocked at the horrible things people can easily say about or to their self yet they would never ever be so cruel to another human being's face.  Not even someone they dislike.

    To answer your question how does repeating a bunch of 'positive statements' actually make you believe it? ? ? EXACTLY the same way repeating a bunch of 'negative statements' repeatedly, regularly, day in – day out – – – compiling and compounding – year after year make you believe certain things.  Same formula – – flipped. 

    I do recommend getting a notebook and recalling memories and feelings and get to the detective work of clearing the muckity muck (a Cynthia word) with PSTEC Click Tracks – – – there is not a set number of times, weeks, months per se.  But I would recommend doing the clearing for several weeks – looking over your lists, re-rating numbers and checking your sting level around the worry and anxiety and fear around this.  Go back and back and back in time – search for memories and episodes where people you respected hurt your feelings because they didn't like something you liked or wore or something you thought was 'so cool' and every memory that carries this type of sting.

    If PSTEC is a placebo effect – I could care less.  If a placebo effect is what works – than that is what matters to me.  If that is the concept that gets my mind to cooperate and give me peace – fine by me.  I would consider myself a super skeptic.  Just because 8 million people think something is amazing  – I don't just accept something works,I will love it, it is useful to me or does what it claims in its marketing.  Why?  Because I got toys as a kid that did not do what they did on TV and additionally I disliked many movies & other 'things' that other people LOVED.  I have to know how I FEEL about something first hand. 

    I went into EFT a skeptic and came out a non-smoker.  That was my test.  EFT lead me to PSTEC – a therapist  whose work I like recommended it.  I went in with a very 'whatever' attitude about it.  I was not actively looking for something to help get me unstuck from anything. 

    I found a topic to do my first test.  I knew it worked for me after round 1.  3 rounds later I was just laughing – laughing and laughing – released – Gone.  Then I really had to test it on something specific and knew I wasn't super happy about the fact that I was not comfortable doing certain things in public alone.  I didn't like the way I felt at certain times and I was super worried what other people thought or 'might' be thinking.  In particular to this specific scene I was concerned about hair, dress, smell, posture, proper manners, etiquette, being a good follow, keeping the beat, learning the steps, wearing the right shoes and being poised.  More times than I can count men said to me relax, relax and I thought — I AM (well, that was my relaxed).  I worked on this weekly over several weeks to a couple months.  Eventually I started using PSTEC Positive & I got to a point where I could do pstec positive in the moment.

    Most people are not thinking about you.  They are thinking about their self.

    A way to do your own test might be to work on about 5 different memories & the feelings attached  – – – do a minimum of 3 click track rounds for clearing each issue/memory/feeling and then see what you think!  You may also consider working with a therapist to help you formulate a plan.

    End of Chapter 3.3  :-X

    #22769
    AvatarMeghan Saunders
    PSTEC User

    Chapter 4:  NAYSAYERS

    Regarding – naysayers & allowing other people's opinions to stop you from exploring ideas of interest: ie – your friend saying phooey – malarkey – placebo and now you may be thinking – – she's probably right…. what was I thinking – silly me – – – forget about it!

    With certain things like PSTEC I do think it can be better to dive in and try it or any new process or tool yourself first and formulate your own opinion about it BEFORE sharing it with others – – – for this very reason.  If you are first secure with it yourself and your know first hand that it does in fact work exactly as described by the designer then – – – when you introduce it to someone who you think it might help and they say something like – – nonsense – impossible – – you can either talk them through what you know first hand or maybe just accept they are not ready.

    I personally often remind myself of Telsa and The Wright Brother's or Napoleon Hill.  When Telsa talked about airwaves and radio waves and broadcasting audio – his own friends had him institutionalized.  He was on to wifi way back when.  I don't know how old readers are but – – – if you can think back to 1980 or even 1990 do you think any of us could conceptualize the iphone?  Well Telsa did way way back when. 

    The Wright Brother's – – really???? 2 bicycle repair dudes are going to design a contraption that flies – – through the air – – – really boys – – – keep dreaming.  Again major opposition and naysaying and jokes and ridicule.

    Apparently Napoleon Hill's son was born without any visible sign of ears.  The doctors told him his son would never hear.  Napoleon Hill said – my son will hear at 100% just like any other person.  He was persistent in his desire to have his son hear at 100% and he committed himself to focusing on this desire for 4 hours a day for the first 4 years of his son's life.  4 hours everyday.

    At some point early on a doctor pulled him aside and said something to the effect of:  Napoleon sometimes you just have to accept the cards you are given – you need to accept that your son will not hear.  Napoleon Hill said – PHOOEY!!!!  Nonsense, you don't know what you're talking about.  He did not let others deter his desire for what he wanted and how he wanted it.  He continued with his intentions and focusing on his desire for his son to hear – DAILY! (FOUR YEARS – because it mattered to him & was of utmost importance to him)!

    At about 18 months his son had maybe 25% hearing and at the age of 4 had 65% of his hearing.  When his son was in college a hearing-aid company heard about this boy who had no visible sign of ears and had 65% hearing.  They offered to build him a special hearing aid and it gave him 100% hearing abilities.

    If any of these individuals had just simply listened to the naysayers – – we would be a different society.

    It is good to have personal role models and mentors.

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