Reply To: Weird permanent anxious pain in pit of stomach after CT
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Thanks a lot for responding Jeff
If just like to say that the more I ct the more I am feeling free. It's almost as if I feel like a humble holy person. I had issues in the past with guys from high school giving me problems and I let it ruin me in high school even though I know deep down they were jealous of me at the time. A few days ago I didn't even think I carried emotions on it because I felt nothing while thinking back. After I ran the CT I kept bursting out into laughter trying to feel humiliated and bothered but I just kept laughing hysterically in my bed for 5 minutes. I went downstairs and my mother thought I was high hahaha. She's like ok what are you on? I followed up with a pp stating “I love, accept, and forgive myself”.
No word of a lie the very next day when I woke up it was the best morning of my life. I felt free, happy and joyful.
Throughout the day I felt like ghandi and still do. I am treating my sub now like my best friend. Not fighting it, putting it down or forcing it. The more I do this the happier I feel and the more responses I get from it. It's beautiful. In turn this teaches me to love myself as the sub and conscious are one which in turn boosts self esteem and all around feelings. I am on a permanent “high”. Laughing at everything feeling love and joy and 0 social anxiety in public.
I just want to thank pstec from the bottom of my heart for finally introducing something that works. Not just as a temporary fix but as a complete mindful outlook shift. I seriously debating getting into psychology because the more and more I'm understanding how the sub works and reacts the more I can love it, harness it, and use it to solve issues instead of putting it down when all it wants to do is protect me. The first thing I did was forgive it, acknowledge it, and thank it for trying to keep me safe. I do this throughout the day. And as I do this I continue to keep my mood peaceful and encourage myself to talk positive towards myself. You are right about not forcing it but being gentle. Abusing it causes harm, both physically and emotionally I notice. I also notice the brain recalibrating because there are times when my mind tends to go into a funk but automatically without me consciously doing anything and just detecting it doing this instead of fighting it, it slowly goes right back to rational thinking.
Again thank you so much!
Now on to the issue I posted lol
Everything in my life is great. The reason I am having the permanent anxiety in the stomach which I have never had before is as you said. An emotion brought to surface. You see the only thing that's holding me back is the issue I posted above.
My subsconscious spoke to me today and I listened. And I fully understand it all now. I do not have a fear of intimicy, I never did. By avoiding it sure i created a phobia but that is easily CTd unlike any other uncomfortable situation.
I believe the core issue is the baring of shame. With this comes issues.
In the past I had a poor performance with the only woman I ever cared about. I took it bad as it had never happened before. What made it worse was her making a comment to her best friend, got back to me bla bla. Then I heard another comment about something else Ann all the emotions came down on me like a ton of bricks. The biggest was shame, and the second was betrayal. Since that time I was never the same. Never felt comfortable around women. As this happened it was bad performance after bad performance. It got worse and worse. I couldn't trust myself and I couldn't trust women. I have yet to allow myself to get anywhere close to another woman since then. I have this massive guard up because I simply cannot trust women. It's like I created a hatred toward them but that was only me feeling worthless deep down. I dispised other friends that could be so relaxed and care free with women while I suffered in shame. I went through depression and all that jazz.
Here I am today out of the dark place I was in feeling love and happiness for myself with only this obstacle to overcome. This fear of women, being hurt, the shame that's still burried inside. I've wasted enough time CTing all the physical aspects (anxiety and nervousness) of sex and the “night of”. This is all clear and the anxious feeling is there every time I think of the entire thought of women and everything that comes with it although it leads me to believe that CTing merely the symptoms is irrelevant. It's good they are cleared but it isn't the cause. The cause is the general feeling of shame. The shame and sadness from betrayal and the poor performance.
My question is how on earth do you even begin to CT shame. It's one of the only emotions you cannot feel for anyone but yourself. It is the worst of all. I don't fell shame at all just the symptoms. I find it easy to feel anger or laughter but when it comes to feelings such as shame I don't even know how to force that into the CT. I remember the memories perfectly I just can't force the shame it just dosnt make sense to me. I know that feeling the feelings are irrelevant you just have to know what you felt at the time and try hard to feel it, but again how do I force out this ridiculous emotion. Do I whimper? Do I try to feel sad?
This is where I am having the issue.
Also, do you think once the feeling of shame from all this is completely freed the rest of the emotions will slowly crumble and shift beliefs? Such as beliefs about not being able to trust women and be comfortable around them?
Again thank you so much for everything