Reply To: Weird permanent anxious pain in pit of stomach after CT
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Core belief = I am bad. I have turned all my anger inward my whole life. Feeling inferior to everyone and being critical. My dad was hard on me my whole life and I just took his crap and directed it at myself. Worst part is that it isn't bottled up anger, it's anger toward myself. I put pressure on me my whole life, never thought I was good enough.. It started with my ex that night and breaded shame. I felt worthless. I wasn't good enough for myself so how could I be good enough for women? I blamed myself and angered myself for my poor performance. Put more pressure on myself. Put my self into a depression. I speak to my friends a out my sexual issue and they all laugh. They laugh because they said its 100 percent normal and find it Ludacris how it could have affected me all these years. It did because my reality was warped. I was my own worst critic. All this anxiety I am feeling that I told you about is all inward anger begging to be released. When I CTd sadness and attempt at shame my breathing sky rocketed. Then the anger surfaced. I tried it when CTing my dad. I cried before the CT and felt the worthlessness of being a failure and not good enough. As I CTd with the sadness of a bunch of scenarios I put myself in with him I immediately started to become angry. When I finished CTing I was furious. I was angry at him, not hateful but angry. I put on my anger face and growled. Pictured him yelling at me and me standing up to him and becoming enraged. When I was finished, I laughed. I looked at a picture of him that I looked at prior of when I cried and I did nothing but laugh.
I went to work today and hesitantly but non shamefully told my buddy a out the problem and he laughed at how he goes through it all the time with women. He even told me times where girls made snickering comments to him and he laughed at them and bounced the comments right back.
So then it hit me. I laughed, but I didn't feel shame inside. I felt anger. Anger that's been bottled up. Anger that I directed inward at myself all these years a out women and about everything. Shame bred anger and instead of releasing it I used it as an attack to my self esteem. That's where the pattern stems from. I obsess and worry about sex because I am not good enough. I didn't let out that anger of failure I turned it inward and called myself a failure and I've been a perfectionist ever since. Trying to please people and be perfect. I knew this already but I didn't know how to go about it. I didn't know this was the core belief and its been staring me in the face for so long.
I am going to CT this anger I had toward myself and release it. I am going to CT myself being angry at the performances, at women, at everyone I ever allowed to do harm to me that I let anger me.
I don't know how long this will take with all these years of this mind model but I can see the change already happening as I've allowed the subconscious to speak to me
I will keep you posted