Reply To: Belief confusion
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I noticed I had a lot of anxiety and pain constantly weeks after CTing
I've been clearing a lot but would go through a random mood swing and wonder what was happening and almost felt as if I was going crazy. Until on my way home today it hit me. I always CTd scenarios where other people affected me or feeling fear humiliation etc.
But not once, not even once did I CT how my biggest and worst enemy in life was myself. Not once was i dumped by a girl. Not once did they tell me I was ugly, unworthy, shameful etc..
I was the one who put me down my whole life telling me I need to last long or I'm a failure. I'm a piece of trash. I don't deserve this girl. I'm ugly I'm this I'm that etc
Not once did I CT hate anger sadness toward myself. I always let myself down. Told myself I was no good. Sure I had problems In high school I didn't deserve. But the rest besides one comment my ex made was my doing. And I never took responsibility. I kept CTing myself in situations being humiliated and feeling shame at the time , but never any feelings toward myself
I don't know the best way in which I'm going to approach this because all these bad times were just a constant steady focus on hate and put downs on my self, never from anyone else which is truly sad. It became a constant way of life for me.
The only way I can see me doing this is creating a scenario in my head where the old me is a scared/angry etc child telling himself he is this and he is that and me trying to feel those feelings toward myself.
I can't recall how I reacted toward myself at certain times because it was just a constant overall thing and I'm reality I thought it was normal.
What do you think about that approach? I want to make sure I don't repeating the thought and emotions I had at the time toward myself so that I deviate from Tim's instructions but I want to make it clear in my head that I am CTing what I felt toward myself at the time in those particular moments. Not the feelings of the event that happend, just the emotions toward myself. You follow? What do you think?