Reply To: Not focusing on memories

#24145
AvatarOriana
PSTEC User

You are not short of targets to Click Track. Lack of self worth shows itself in many ways. Anger as mentioned also negative, pessimistic ways of thinking, envy, greed jealousy and more. (leads to depression). Wealth of Abundance helps by improving gratitude which works to reduce that negativity.

No I’m certainly not short of targets! :) I’ve been working on manifesting for over 2 mths now but all I feel is anxiety. Feel gratitude = anxiety. Think positive = anxiety. Have faith = anxiety. I meditate = anxiety. I visualize = anxiety. Affirmations = anxiety. Basically all of the ingredients for manifesting are negated by anxiety. Luckily I now live in a beautiful spot in the country so I can wake up everyday and feel much gratitude for that, for my health, for my amazing pets, my inner strength and my intelligence. Unfortunately pessimism reigns. I needed the country for my anxiety, and then a lucrative work contract failed on me. Biggest issue right now is money, situation critical (things happen for a reason, yet to be determined). Not to say that money would take the anxiety away.

If the social aspects of GAD are not a problem then I suggest anything that could be viewed as a “lack of control” over any area of your life both big and small. Anywhere you might feel you have no influence, no say, trapped, stuck, things happening around you, not concerned about you, being taken for granted, powerless, no money.

Yup, Complex PTSD. Trapped, powerless, no control. “I” don’t matter. And yes, add watching baby brother being beaten to that.

You might guess that I am assuming that the GAD is a result of your years of abuse. Yes and that removing the emotions from those memories will reduce the GAD. Yes again. Possibly other therapists have said the same to you. I'm guessing again that during those tragic years you very often knew in advance that you were going to be “in for it” again, more undeserved “punishment” and possibly blamed for causing “it”. this would very understandably create stress and anxiety.

Yes to everything above. You know in advance that it will be coming at some point, however at the same time you never know exactly when it’s coming. Possibly blamed for causing “it” is an understatement. You have no idea :). At the age of 14 I got a lawyer to defend myself against the accusation of “you’re the blame for everything” that had escalated to court. Seriously. Everything was always my fault. I was just the worst thing that could have been born. Didn’t matter that I was shy, quiet, well behaved and smart enough to skip two grades. I was responsible for “ruining” the family from the age of 3. Much projection going on there, yes? By 15 yrs. of age, I had won the court battle. By then I knew and the court authorities knew what had been going on my entire childhood.

Repeated many times over many years the stress and anxiety have become a habit. If that is the case then I would expect any or all of smoking, substance abuse, alcohol abuse and weight issues to follow on. (Not always!) However these are all habits, habits of behaviour which can be changed.

I smoked for 40 yrs and now I vape (electronic cigarettes). I drank heavily, did drugs, partied hard, etc. but always held a job, was always responsible, was always “together”. I even had a successful career. Now I drink everyday small amounts to relieve anxiety. It’s that or meds. The soft approach just doesn’t work, ie. meditating, herbal tea and taking bubble baths – the anxiety is intense.

With some pessimistic thinking then all expected events are likely to appear undesirable and so trigger stress and anxiety. If you “know” that anxiety is about to happen, even if you do not know why, then you stand a good chance of being able to do something about it.

The issue with “knowing” that anxiety is about to happen is that I don’t know what it’s like to not feel anxiety. It hurts, physically. It’s an intense pain in my chest that is there 24/7. I’ve never not had anxiety. It always hurts.

Please accept my apologies for any generalisations and guesswork. However as a “deep psychological thinker” have I got anything anywhere near right?

Definitely have some things right! You can’t know for sure since you don’t know me or the story. I fit the Complex PTSD spectrum pretty well. I’ve worked very hard over the years, have come a long way. For example, used to be so shy I couldn’t speak, and now I’m not shy at all.

A question often asked is: What do you gain by holding on to the fear? I just feel like, when you’ve been abused your entire childhood and you don’t know any other way of being, it’s incredibly hard to let go of the mechanisms you’ve built up in order to survive. That’s why I have so much difficulty. The memories don’t bother me that much, how I “formed” as a result of that experience is the issue.

And so, on that note, when I sit down to work on Click tracks, I feel lost at sea. I can click on that one bad experience (of many) or the “overall” lack of self-worth, but seeing the past for what it was does not help me let go of the clench in my chest, the super strong fortress I built. It ain't gonna come tumbling down because I cleared a memory of a bad experience.