Reply To: Can I use Cascade Release this way
thanks for your kind words.
Generally I would suggest thinking about the future you want to have and the person you want to become and Click Tracking any negative feelings that come up that stop you having that that future. However if I understand you then you are not allowing yourself to think ahead possibly you do not feel you are worth it or you not believe it could ever happen. Am I right? Do you fear for the future because you are afraid some more bad people are going and take it from you/abuse you again? Or possibly you fear that the OCD PTSD will take you over completely?
you are right. It just was like there will be no future for me. I still struggle with that, it is not as worse as it used to be.
I do not fear that the PSTD might take over, I just fear that I might keep that OCD stuff forever. I know for a fact that my life is better whenever I use PSTEC positive, but I have problems with that, problems to allow myself being ok. As I mentioned in the guilt-shame-topic, therapists yelled at me for using self help, even for using PSTEC. When I could no longer hide the efforts + successes I made with self help (imagine a patient who has to hide that), things got really bad in therapy. That's why I stopped therapy completely. Shoud have done that a lot sooner, but I believed them whenever they said that self help causes harm and has to be stopped and that PTSD can not be treated with self help strategies.
I usually tap the obstacles in my way or bruises on my soul, but after reading your words for the first time a few days ago, I tried to picture things / my life how I desire it to be and tapped that. That was different, but I like it. I'll try that again for sure.
Apologies for the personal questions. I feel that the simple straight forward approach for you is still not going to work and I need some more information in order to find a way around the problem.
no apology needed, you are right, again
It is difficult for me, because of all that therapist abuse and as a matter of fact I had to “channel” therapy for some friends of mine with severe problems, who refuse to go to therapy. The term “channeling” is usually connected to talking to spirits etc. but for me it's also about using someone as a transportation.
One of my therapists used the term when we talked about all that stuff other people “give” me so that I'll find a solution for it, in therapy or in my self help books.
I had and have no problem to tell others about self help strategies, where to find them, how to use them, I always thought that those things are meant to be shared, but somehow it seems to be easier to let me do the emotional work.
I read a lot about boundaries and for the first time in my life I try to protect myself. Maybe things will get easier then. I distanced myself from most of those people, but the stuff they “gave” me is still stored in my soul. I try to tap that too, but tapping stuff, that belongs to someone else, is hard work.
That's some kind of projective introjektion or being assigned to take stuff on or maybe just weak boundaries, I am not sure how to name that. I used to be a magnet for people with difficult stories.
However I do suggest if you have not yet done so listening to the new FREE PSTEC and Mindfulness tutorial. This is a simple paradigm of the way the mind works and how to use that in order to change the way you think and feel. The technique suggested is cheap low-tech and very portable and so usable almost anywhere. This makes it a good partner for use with other PSTEC tools. It does focus very much on being positive but not necessarily on big things but an accumulation of little things. Please let me know what you think about it.
I already downloaded the mindfulness package, but thanks for reminding me. I listened to part one, with a notepad and a pen, as suggested. But mindfulness is difficult for me, because one of my therapists forced me into that mindfulness strategy. She said flashbacks, triggers and bad memories go away when I am mindful and she yelled at me, whenever I said, I don't want to do that and it does not work for me.
Tim Phizackerley mentions in part 1, that mindfulness is a good thing as long as you have a technique like PSTEC on the side to tap away problems. I didn't have PSTEC back then.
That's why I developed OCD, because that stuff, triggers, flashbacks etc. had to go somewhere and talking about it in therapy just caused punishment. Me having problems and wanting to talk about them during therapy made her really really angry, again and again. My problems and her concept of therapy didn't match, instead of adjusting therapy to my needs she yelled and belittled me so that we'd do her thing. OCD was kind of an attempt of self help. Not the best, but still.
There were things I was not allowed to talk about in therapy at all, when I tried, she yelled or started hissing out of anger. I do not make this up.
Other things like my fear of being starved by my parents she commented with the words “you should not talk about that stuff” and a big smile. Her habit of smiling like a happy person, whenever I wanted to talk about bad stuff and she was able to say no to my wish, really knocked me out.
There were times when I really needed to talk about something in therapy and I begged to be allowed to do so. If i was lucky she gave me 3 minutes to talk about my problems, the rest of our time was spent on forcing me into mindfulness and positive thinking.
I had waited 9 month for that therapy, so I sticked to it. And there was some kind of trauma bonding or double bind I assume.
When I ended this therapy, I had to wait 15 month for the next one, because no therapist wanted to do therapy with a patient who had been retraumtized during therapy. What I got, was no trauma therapy, just “it's all your fault”.
Those therapists stole years and years of my life.
And I have to invest a lof of time into self help, that would not have been necessary without therapist abuse.
Yesterday I took a day off from working and I tapped with Click Track 1, 2,3,4, medium, wrapper and Cascade.
I run various PSTEC mp3s for a total of 18 times, because I wanted to make a huge step in the right direction. I know this is insane. I gave myself a break from self help today.
I first started using PSTEC in January 2015, had to stop, because I didn't want to loose my therapy because of using self help strategies, started again in november 2015 and have been tapping daily since then.
But still, I usually am not able to focus on one single memory until it's gone, because there still are that many things that need to be tapped. When I start the Click Tracks I just try to tap away whatever is on my mind or whatever hurts my soul without focussing on one particular event/memory/thing. I have to try again and again, until I am finally able to tap that one thing I intended to tap at a given time.
Usually I would not talk about that, instead I would try to hide all of that, the problems and how often I use self help, but I am tired of hiding that stuff and trying to be positive about all that. It has to be tapped away and finally be gone.
I am brave and I'll find my way out of this rabbit hole some day soon
Since I stopped therapy I have more energy to focus on working / job, and that is really a good thing.
I may have problems believing into a future, but I still believe in the fact, that I can get over obstacles. That is my thing and I stick to that.