Reply To: Fear of confrontation – Help needed – My Journey with PSTEC
Brian TuckerAlright so it's been a few weeks. About a week ago I had a huge collapse and just feel amazing.
I have continued to work on the shame feelings. Today I finally have them down so low I probably just need to wait a few days for it to disappear. I have also been working on self-doubt which also is barely even there. I would say on both of these another session and a little time and they will be gone. The shame was stubborn and has required a lot of sessions to remove but hey it has been there for 40+ years!
Along with the big collapse I was really able to see what has been going on in my intimate relationship. As I mentioned that I saw so many similarities in my marriage with my father and stepmother, yesterday I realized that I am actually deeply afraid of my spouse. No reason other than the fear that I always had of my stepmother as a kid. I subconsciously attracted exactly what I experienced as a kid and so all of the anger I had towards my spouse was actually me defending myself against the perception of her being a threat as if she were my stepmother. There was also fear of intimacy, embarrassment of being around her which are exactly what I had with my stepmother. There was another program I found where I recently embarrassed to be with my spouse around my mother which is the EXACT same feeling I had when 1.) I used to be embarrassed to be around my stepmother when my mother was around and 2.) I would be embarrassed to bring any girls – especially my first girlfriend – because my stepmother was against them and put fear in them and me. It has also been very eye opening to see the fear, obligation and guilt (F.O.G) my spouse has used on me is identical to the same her mother used on her PLUS identical to that my stepmother used on me!
I also see now that based on family…My wife's father was controlled by his mother. He then married a controlling woman. They divorced at about 20 years when he moved back in with his mother and lived with her while having two more controlling relationships for years and then moved in with a very controlling woman. On my side of the family my father was dominated by my high control stepmother so naturally my wife is programed to see a spouse she can control and I am programmed to be controlled.
Now that I am really becoming aware and free from all of this I can see the behaviors changing in my relationship almost immediately as I am learning to live without the anger, fears and other destructive thoughts and feelings. It is all stopping around me.
I was able to reveal all of this stuff using the “why technique” and I just continue using it more and more because it works so well and makes things so easy.
I will be back in a few days with an update that I have been promising.