Reply To: Need some help here.
Daniel WynnGuys, firstly, I just want to say a massive thank you for your guidance and support, I really appreciate it deeply.
I have felt very lost this past week, high anxiety and very depressed. In all honesty I still feel very low, but can see more of a light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes that's enough. I don't see it as a negative thing, the way I have felt lately, in a peculiar way, I actually feel proud that I have admitted my faults and insecurities, as it was very scary to do. And, now that I am fully willing to work on these issues, and find some sort of happiness. I guess I had to hit a real low to see the problems I have been having for all these years. And, Brian you are spot on, I have become so familiar with all these issues, it almost became ingrained within in me, just as part of “Me” I became blind to what was going on, and I don't want that anymore. I have got level 1, 2015, belief blasters, and no more anxiety. I have started listening to no more anxiety last night, and will continue listening every night. I also ran some limiting beliefs through the belief blasters a few times, and will keep going through with that also. Thank you Brian, I will keep coming back here to keep people updated, and if you guys could give me some guidance along the way that would be amazing.
“You have made a great start to clearing your issues. 1) You have a goal in mind “I know I am capable of achieving so much, and already have. I know I am a good person, and I aim to treat people fairly, and help others as much as i deem possible.” 2) You have made a start on doing something about it, you have found PSTEC. 3) You have started to work out the steps of “how to get from here to there”, you have started to ask questions on this forum.”
Thank you Peter, that made me realise my goals. Again sometimes it's hard to see things that are right in front of you. But, seeing it written out like that has made me realise I do in fact have a plan to make myself better. I have got a list of painful moments through my life, I didn't manage to write everything down. I am going to go over it again the weekend, and add more details to it. I have ran some pretty painful events through the click tracks before, and managed to bring the emotions right down to at the time felt like a 0.5-1. The particular event was around 10 or so years ago, I was badly assaulted and it left me in a bad way, even more so as at the time it was a “Friend” who beat me up. He was, and I presume still is a bully, he was bullying somebody else in front of me and I intervened, then he turned on me. He tried to take out my eye balls with his fingers, and repeatedly hit my head against the pavement, which left my whole face and head badly swollen. It wasn't the worst event in my life, but I know the anxiety kicked in not too long after that. So, I always presumed the anxiety was caused by that. But, I am so confused as to where all of this has came from, that's the worst aspect of all of this, never knowing what to do or what had caused it, it had all just grown over years, and It all sometimes seems bigger than me. What do I do, if that wasn't the causative event?
“The thought of smiling at another man and thinking it might mean others think you are gay suggests that, on some level, you would not want other people to think you are gay. That does not mean you are a bad person, homophobic or otherwise. It probably just means that you do not like people misunderstanding you or your intentions.”
I think you really hit the nail on the head there. I am by all means definitely not homophobic. I believe strongly in equality, no matter what sexuality, religion, race, or background, and i truly believe everybody has a right to be happy. But, then on some level I think I wouldn't want anyone to think I was gay, because, being misunderstood would really get to me. Although It wouldn't bother me if I was gay, and, I have no issues with gay couple's or anything like that. I have friends that are gay, and It really doesn't bother me. Again, it's like that chatter in my head. The old circle of people I used to associate with would see something like being gay, or different colour skin, or an unusual background as being “Weak.” But I never thought I shared those views or opinions, or maybe I used to a little? My best friend of many years is black, I would have been a fool to deny myself of such a great friendship because of colour. But, if I'm honest I sometimes even get that racist chatter in my mind to, and things pop up that I would definitely be ashamed off if a person could read my mind.
Not too long after I felt the first initial onset of the anxiety at the deeper level, my brother's partner at the time would often make remarks at me as being “gay” because, I was quite and withdrawn, I cried a lot, and didn't have much luck with women at the time (I presume that was the reason anyway, I'm really unsure.) That messed me up a little, because my self esteem was at a real low then. And, it was as if she planted seeds in my mind, that are grown in my mind now. It's hard because, I know what's true, I know what my beliefs are, I just want people to be happy no matter what. And, yet, this stuff pops up in my head that tries to contest all of that. It all seems to be the pattern of self destructiveness, like part of me is just trying to push against the greatness I know I am capable of bringing to the world. Anything that limits me, violent images, words or thoughts, strange sexual thoughts etc, negative bullying thoughts etc. It all has the same outcome, and thats the thing that really bothers me.
I am definitely going to run those scenarios through the click tracks, every time it has been severe that i can recall, has been in a situation where I have felt uncomfortable around somebody. I very rarely feel comfortable around people I just meet if I'm honest. But, it does fluctuate in my mood. There are, so many occasions though, I would really know which ones to get?
“Also, could it be that there is a “chicken and egg” situation with these thoughts and drinking alcohol? For instance, you felt anxious and drank alcohol to quell the anxious thoughts and mind chatter, but now feel MORE anxious as you had no conscious memory of the night out.”
Absolutely spot on, I know I do it, but I still get carried away. I love spending time with friends. I much rather prefer maybe having a couple drinks then, heading home and getting some good food or something. I drink to shut that voice up in my mind, to dull the vibrations through my body, to feel a little more numb so I don't have to spend time with “me.” Anything past my limit is to drown out myself in a bottle or pint glass, and I am not doing that anymore. Yes, I feel 100 times worse the next day, so they both push each other into worse realms of reality. I won't be drinking in that setting again, until I can control myself. Don't get me wrong, I have had times I have gone to parties etc, and been fine. I've had a few drinks and realised its time to stop. But, I still haven't learnt my limit completely.
Is all of this mind chatter craziness from the anxiety? I don't know wether I am looking for things that have created the intrusive thoughts, or it's all just clutter from being in a heightened state of anxiety? I can't wait till the day I can feel calm and comfortable in myself. I don't feel this way all the time, and I have seen some great improvements in my life, in moments I didn't see much hope. I know WHO I want to be, I know what feels right to me and aligns with me, it's just knowing what I need to work through to get there. I feel nothing but proud when I see the people around me achieve great things, and succeed, I just feel like it would be nice if i can hit my own goals too.
Thanks again, I feel very supported at the moment.