Need some help here.
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Daniel WynnHi guys,
I wouldn't normally write out such deep issues I am having, although I could really do with some help. I have a deep fear of being judged, but I am willing to do what ever it takes to get my life into a more productive and happy setting. So, with that being the case I am taking a step out of my comfort zone to share with you some of my issues, in hope of some guidance.
By this point it is pretty clear to me, I am dealing with some heavy intrusive thoughts and OCD that are weighing me down. I have had trouble with anxiety for a good 8+ years, I don't think I have really had a break from it, although it has decreased a lot through self help work over the last 3 or so years. I am a very driven and optimistic man, and i put it down to that very reason I am still here writing this post out today. I know I am capable of achieving so much, and already have. I know I am a good person, and I aim to treat people fairly, and help others as much as i deem possible. But i swear I am my own worst enemy. I beat myself up, mistreat myself, and literally bully myself verbally in my mind until i just feel like ending it all.
It's almost as if I am being pulled in two different directions, one side of me knows I am a confident, kind, caring and outgoing person. Yet, the other half thinks I am miserable, worthless, and aggressive, and not worth a thing. When talking to people I have intrusive thoughts race around my mind, constantly. In the past I have had images of myself hurting people, doing horrible things to them, spitting on them, attacking them, stabbing them (I would never do this to anybody). I have managed to reduce that somehow, the images aren't as aggressive or frequent, and of recently I have had constant voices in my mind telling me “I'm gay”. I constantly have to tell myself that I am not in response to that. I really couldn't care less if I was gay or not, but it's almost like my mind is forcing me to be something that doesn't feel right to me. I have had girlfriends in the past, and I am always attracted to women. The thing is, it's almost as if I look for things that have happened in my past to support that, it's like an endless cycle that I feel completely powerless to break. All i want is to meet a beautiful girl, settle down and be happy, but I feel as if I come with extra baggage and craziness. For example, If i smile at another man, I think that's “gay”. How ridiculous is all of this. My ex girlfriend and I experimented, with prostate stimulation, and that is another thing that I say to myself to support it. Now when I go out and meet women i get extremely nervous, my hands clam up and I end up saying something really stupid, and end up looking like an absolute fool. Also, when talking to people I feel as if i have to constantly check my posture, check my face to ensure I don't look to aggressive or threatening. Most of the time I say things to myself in my mind like “They don't give a shit what your saying.” or i say something that seems of key in someway, then it's “Why do you always say something stupid, you idiot.” and i just want to escape from the situation altogether. I know it unrealistic, I know it isn't called for or needed, although the more i try to change it the more powerful it gets.
I went out for a night out over the weekend with some friends, I stayed out till very late, and I was extremely drunk. When the club had closed way into early morning, I was talking with some random bloke, and one my friends. I do not remember getting home at all. Now my mind is filling in the blanks, I keep thinking I did something stupid, like tried to kiss the random bloke, I thought I might have really badly hurt someone on the way home, I even thought I had driven drunk, and hit somebody with my car. It's completely irrational, and it's completely out of my character, i wouldn't do any of those things, but still i cant help but question if I did or not, I even searched my car for clues. It's pathetic I know.
I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression a good while back, but I never truly understood why I felt that way. I am coming to terms with the situation and questioning wether I am thinking intrusively to somehow “protect myself.” I have had a rocky life, drugs, alcohol, abuse etc. But my life has turned around dramatically from what it used to be, I manage to keep my anger in control, and think in more positive ways then I ever used to. I think I just feel especially low due to the weekend. I just know I need to resolve these issues I am having If I can truly be myself. Sorry for long post, It could have actually been a lot longer to be honest, but I'll stop it here lol.
Thanks.
Brian TuckerClearingman – Thank you for such details here's a quick recommendation I am sure other guys will get deeper into this.
- I have a deep fear of being judged, but I am willing to do what ever it takes to get my life into a more productive and happy setting. So, with that being the case I am taking a step out of my comfort zone to share with you some of my issues, in hope of some guidance.
- I am dealing with some heavy intrusive thoughts and OCD that are weighing me down. I have had trouble with anxiety for a good 8+ years, I don't think I have really had a break from it, although it has decreased a lot through self help work over the last 3 or so years.
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Your post suggests you have general anxiety and social anxieties/phobias some of which you may not even realize because they are so familiar. I would suggest you pick up “No More Anxiety” and begin listening to that immediately every day for probably several months as the instructions say “until you have no anxiety for at least two weeks” While you are listening to the track think about these scenarios you have outlined the entire time while you are listening to the track. This can absolutely change your life.
It also seems you have a lot of shame and as for all of the other thinking, it would be good to clicktrack those feelings and thoughts in addition to the no more anxiety daily. You can probably resolve the gay belief using belief blasters and the phrase “I've been gay”
Your drinking is more than likely interlocked with the anxieties and shame. Resolve these and you will see a major change in your need to drink. It probably won't even have any importance to you anymore.
Peter BunyanHi Clearingman
You have made a great start to clearing your issues. 1) You have a goal in mind “I know I am capable of achieving so much, and already have. I know I am a good person, and I aim to treat people fairly, and help others as much as i deem possible.” 2) You have made a start on doing something about it, you have found PSTEC. 3) You have started to work out the steps of “how to get from here to there”, you have started to ask questions on this forum. Working towards a goal improves self-esteem which will in itself help reduce those issues. But your problem is not the issues as you have discussed but what created them. You were not born with social anxiety and depression, you in effect learnt to have them. Something or series of things combined created those issues or symptoms if you like. You may not have actually noticed until some years after the original causative event/s. What to do about it though?
Absolutely the next step if you have not already done so, is to download the FREE Basic Click Tracks, listen to the instructions and have a go and play with it, so you are familiar with what you are required to do.
Write out a list on paper of all the things you would rather not have happened to you throughout your life. (If that takes a lot of paper, it is only time and paper.) The earliest which may seem trivial in themselves are also important. Mark on your list the memories that feel most raw or painful, be they recent or old, and Click Track those first! Apologies for this basic generic advice, but I have to start somewhere.
If you have any questions at all please keep on asking, do not hesitate or think it is a waste of time. We are here to help you. PSTEC has helped many thousands of people with all sorts of problems, it can help you too!
Peter
Paul McCabeHi Clearingman,
Thanks for posting and for sharing your story.
As well as the very helpful advice Brian and Peter have provided, I would say that your experiences do seem typical of anyone who experiences high levels of anxiety. This can create all sorts of bizarre projections and “worst case scenario” imagined outcomes.
It is important to know that a thought can be just like watching a movie. You could watch a horror, drama, thriller or comedy and therefore have a different emotional experience. An imagined outcome is not necessarily indicative of our true nature. Some of our thoughts can be generated by emotions or state, while others can be entirely random. Ask “what might this thought be trying to tell me?
Nevertheless, you could work on the sort of imagined outcomes you have had in mind. I would say they fall into the “fear of being judged” category and this is a basis for social anxiety.
The thought of smiling at another man and thinking it might mean others think you are gay suggests that, on some level, you would not want other people to think you are gay. That does not mean you are a bad person, homophobic or otherwise. It probably just means that you do not like people misunderstanding you or your intentions.
Here is what I would suggest:
Work with this scenario. Imagine smiling at another man and then being labelled gay. Make that real. Then run the Click Track on this.
Run the Click Track on any shame you have from your past. Would you feel shame if someone thought you were gay or if someone knew the thoughts you sometimes had?
Then run the Click Track on the types of situations where you have had thoughts of hurting people. Again, these are just thoughts and they may be entirely random or generated by anxiety – when, for instance, you were speaking with people with whom you did not feel comfortable.
If you can spot the link, then run the CT on all the times you have had these thoughts (e.g. “speaking to strangers who were judging me.”) You may have lots of examples, so work diligently on ANYTHING that bothers you.
You are absolutely right that we all have different sides to our character. Even someone who identifies with being very anxious will not be anxious all the time, someone who sees him or herself as “very serious” will have moments of levity, someone who rates themselves as an eternal optimist will have down moments. It is just about bringing those aspects into alignment and, with PSTEC, you can certainly become WHO you want to be.
Also, could it be that there is a “chicken and egg” situation with these thoughts and drinking alcohol? For instance, you felt anxious and drank alcohol to quell the anxious thoughts and mind chatter, but now feel MORE anxious as you had no conscious memory of the night out.
Paul
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
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Brian TuckerPaul and Peter thank you. You guys are a mountain of information and support.
Clearingman – Commend yourself for posting such detail here for others. A suggestion would be for you to keep detailed notes, updates and questions about your journey in a post here on the forum to follow your progress as you free yourself from this.
Paul added some great info as the anxiety can make you think all sorts of wacky not real thoughts. Been there, done that. No more anxiety comes bundled with the clicktracks so you can combine all of the advice you see here. Just be careful not to clicktrack too much in a single session with all of that anxiety as it can really exasperate it. Try one or two runs of a clicktrack, maybe even three if you need to (per the instructions) on an issue and give it a day to see how you feel.
I was clicktracking several hours a day for months and when No More Anxiety came out last April it was a complete game changer in the pstec toolset.
http://pstecforum.com/pf/social-anxiety/no-more-anxiety/msg3908/#msg3908
Daniel WynnGuys, firstly, I just want to say a massive thank you for your guidance and support, I really appreciate it deeply.
I have felt very lost this past week, high anxiety and very depressed. In all honesty I still feel very low, but can see more of a light at the end of the tunnel, and sometimes that's enough. I don't see it as a negative thing, the way I have felt lately, in a peculiar way, I actually feel proud that I have admitted my faults and insecurities, as it was very scary to do. And, now that I am fully willing to work on these issues, and find some sort of happiness. I guess I had to hit a real low to see the problems I have been having for all these years. And, Brian you are spot on, I have become so familiar with all these issues, it almost became ingrained within in me, just as part of “Me” I became blind to what was going on, and I don't want that anymore. I have got level 1, 2015, belief blasters, and no more anxiety. I have started listening to no more anxiety last night, and will continue listening every night. I also ran some limiting beliefs through the belief blasters a few times, and will keep going through with that also. Thank you Brian, I will keep coming back here to keep people updated, and if you guys could give me some guidance along the way that would be amazing.
“You have made a great start to clearing your issues. 1) You have a goal in mind “I know I am capable of achieving so much, and already have. I know I am a good person, and I aim to treat people fairly, and help others as much as i deem possible.” 2) You have made a start on doing something about it, you have found PSTEC. 3) You have started to work out the steps of “how to get from here to there”, you have started to ask questions on this forum.”
Thank you Peter, that made me realise my goals. Again sometimes it's hard to see things that are right in front of you. But, seeing it written out like that has made me realise I do in fact have a plan to make myself better. I have got a list of painful moments through my life, I didn't manage to write everything down. I am going to go over it again the weekend, and add more details to it. I have ran some pretty painful events through the click tracks before, and managed to bring the emotions right down to at the time felt like a 0.5-1. The particular event was around 10 or so years ago, I was badly assaulted and it left me in a bad way, even more so as at the time it was a “Friend” who beat me up. He was, and I presume still is a bully, he was bullying somebody else in front of me and I intervened, then he turned on me. He tried to take out my eye balls with his fingers, and repeatedly hit my head against the pavement, which left my whole face and head badly swollen. It wasn't the worst event in my life, but I know the anxiety kicked in not too long after that. So, I always presumed the anxiety was caused by that. But, I am so confused as to where all of this has came from, that's the worst aspect of all of this, never knowing what to do or what had caused it, it had all just grown over years, and It all sometimes seems bigger than me. What do I do, if that wasn't the causative event?
“The thought of smiling at another man and thinking it might mean others think you are gay suggests that, on some level, you would not want other people to think you are gay. That does not mean you are a bad person, homophobic or otherwise. It probably just means that you do not like people misunderstanding you or your intentions.”
I think you really hit the nail on the head there. I am by all means definitely not homophobic. I believe strongly in equality, no matter what sexuality, religion, race, or background, and i truly believe everybody has a right to be happy. But, then on some level I think I wouldn't want anyone to think I was gay, because, being misunderstood would really get to me. Although It wouldn't bother me if I was gay, and, I have no issues with gay couple's or anything like that. I have friends that are gay, and It really doesn't bother me. Again, it's like that chatter in my head. The old circle of people I used to associate with would see something like being gay, or different colour skin, or an unusual background as being “Weak.” But I never thought I shared those views or opinions, or maybe I used to a little? My best friend of many years is black, I would have been a fool to deny myself of such a great friendship because of colour. But, if I'm honest I sometimes even get that racist chatter in my mind to, and things pop up that I would definitely be ashamed off if a person could read my mind.
Not too long after I felt the first initial onset of the anxiety at the deeper level, my brother's partner at the time would often make remarks at me as being “gay” because, I was quite and withdrawn, I cried a lot, and didn't have much luck with women at the time (I presume that was the reason anyway, I'm really unsure.) That messed me up a little, because my self esteem was at a real low then. And, it was as if she planted seeds in my mind, that are grown in my mind now. It's hard because, I know what's true, I know what my beliefs are, I just want people to be happy no matter what. And, yet, this stuff pops up in my head that tries to contest all of that. It all seems to be the pattern of self destructiveness, like part of me is just trying to push against the greatness I know I am capable of bringing to the world. Anything that limits me, violent images, words or thoughts, strange sexual thoughts etc, negative bullying thoughts etc. It all has the same outcome, and thats the thing that really bothers me.I am definitely going to run those scenarios through the click tracks, every time it has been severe that i can recall, has been in a situation where I have felt uncomfortable around somebody. I very rarely feel comfortable around people I just meet if I'm honest. But, it does fluctuate in my mood. There are, so many occasions though, I would really know which ones to get?
“Also, could it be that there is a “chicken and egg” situation with these thoughts and drinking alcohol? For instance, you felt anxious and drank alcohol to quell the anxious thoughts and mind chatter, but now feel MORE anxious as you had no conscious memory of the night out.”
Absolutely spot on, I know I do it, but I still get carried away. I love spending time with friends. I much rather prefer maybe having a couple drinks then, heading home and getting some good food or something. I drink to shut that voice up in my mind, to dull the vibrations through my body, to feel a little more numb so I don't have to spend time with “me.” Anything past my limit is to drown out myself in a bottle or pint glass, and I am not doing that anymore. Yes, I feel 100 times worse the next day, so they both push each other into worse realms of reality. I won't be drinking in that setting again, until I can control myself. Don't get me wrong, I have had times I have gone to parties etc, and been fine. I've had a few drinks and realised its time to stop. But, I still haven't learnt my limit completely.
Is all of this mind chatter craziness from the anxiety? I don't know wether I am looking for things that have created the intrusive thoughts, or it's all just clutter from being in a heightened state of anxiety? I can't wait till the day I can feel calm and comfortable in myself. I don't feel this way all the time, and I have seen some great improvements in my life, in moments I didn't see much hope. I know WHO I want to be, I know what feels right to me and aligns with me, it's just knowing what I need to work through to get there. I feel nothing but proud when I see the people around me achieve great things, and succeed, I just feel like it would be nice if i can hit my own goals too.
Thanks again, I feel very supported at the moment.
Brian Tucker“Also, could it be that there is a “chicken and egg” situation with these thoughts and drinking alcohol? For instance, you felt anxious and drank alcohol to quell the anxious thoughts and mind chatter, but now feel MORE anxious as you had no conscious memory of the night out.”
Absolutely spot on, I know I do it, but I still get carried away. I love spending time with friends. I much rather prefer maybe having a couple drinks then, heading home and getting some good food or something. I drink to shut that voice up in my mind, to dull the vibrations through my body, to feel a little more numb so I don't have to spend time with “me.” Anything past my limit is to drown out myself in a bottle or pint glass, and I am not doing that anymore. Yes, I feel 100 times worse the next day, so they both push each other into worse realms of reality. I won't be drinking in that setting again, until I can control myself. Don't get me wrong, I have had times I have gone to parties etc, and been fine. I've had a few drinks and realised its time to stop. But, I still haven't learnt my limit completely.
Is all of this mind chatter craziness from the anxiety? I don't know wether I am looking for things that have created the intrusive thoughts, or it's all just clutter from being in a heightened state of anxiety? I can't wait till the day I can feel calm and comfortable in myself. I don't feel this way all the time, and I have seen some great improvements in my life, in moments I didn't see much hope. I know WHO I want to be, I know what feels right to me and aligns with me, it's just knowing what I need to work through to get there. I feel nothing but proud when I see the people around me achieve great things, and succeed, I just feel like it would be nice if i can hit my own goals too.
Thanks again, I feel very supported at the moment.
Yes all of this mind chatter is anxiety, you probably dont even realize how intense it is yet. Had the same thing myself and yes the drinking is a chicken and egg. Once i started no more anxiety a few weeks in I had a few beers I could not believe the level of anxiety – expecialy mind chatter – the next morning.
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