Reply To: What’s The Result Of This Belief Change?
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Thanks for posting.
If something bothers us on an emotional level, it is generally because they attribute meaning to the event. People being late or not honouring promises would only affect someone if they rate those things as important.
It is because you care about people so much and are keen to impress that this sort of behaviour bothers you.
To answer your question, when you clear the beliefs that feed into your Mind Model, it will enable you to create more possibilities. Thus, if you clear enough beliefs and emotions, you will not necessarily see someone failing to call you back as inherently “flaky.” That is the meaning you attributed to the behaviour.
You might retain your own standards, but be less inclined to assume anything about anyone based on their behaviour. You will also be more relaxed in yourself while choosing those standards. Does that make sense?
I can totally relate to what you presented here, as I used to feel annoyed if someone was late for a meeting we had or if I had done a favour for someone and did not get a “thank you.” Thus, I do know this can be dissolved.
When you evoke words like “annoyed” and “infuriated”, I would suggest that using would prove very effective here. The emotions are clearly strong in these situations.
You are a pro, so you know the drill. Make a note of all the times these scenarios have cropped up, bring up the annoyance, anger and hurt and neutralise them. It may take a few playthroughs, but you will get there, as long as you realise that being free of the reactions is very liberating.
You may even benefit from going into your past. Did you have any experiences in your childhood, for instance, where your parents or caregivers broke promises they had made? What about in your personal life?
Throw these into the mix and clear it all.
From the “belief perspective”, I find that it can be useful to step back from the pattern (as it were) and ask:
“What would someone have to believe about themselves, that situation etc. to feel (emotion) when (situation occurs)?”
Eliminating “people should do what they say they are going to do” will, I would suggest, simply help you soften the rules you have around other people's behaviour. The truth is – often times, people don't.
A rule like that could be problematic, as you are making your happiness contingent on other people meeting conditions you (and sometimes even they) cannot control. There are many reasons why people may be late or break a promise and it is certainly not due to an inherent lack of discipline, respect or care.
So, stepping back from that:
“What would someone have to believe about themselves or that situation to be annoyed when people don't do what they say will do?”
From working with people who have had this pattern, typical beliefs propping this up include:
“People can't be trusted.”
“People don't respect me.” (Go further with this and ask “why?” to see if any core beliefs come up)
“Life is not fair.”
“It is bad to break promises.”
“I'm not important.”
“I'm not deserving.”
See if any of these resonate with you and “blast” them away.
Also, as M has mentioned, consider some counterexamples. THIS counterexample might help:
“Have I ever been late for an appointment or broken a promise when it had nothing to do with how much I respected the person/event?”
Hope this helps. Please let me know.
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
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