Reply To: Forum Case Study – Avoidant Personality Disorder APD
JamesKeep going guys, you got this!
I have some time to provide some feedback for exercise 1 – hopefully it is useful for Brian, and perhaps other people too.
SORRY THIS IS SO LONG!
Feedback – Exercise 1
Initial reaction / notes
First of all, I initially felt almost no connection with the majority of the beliefs we had to blast. I had a LOT of resistance around even doing them because I felt they were wrong for me personally.
However, I didn't want to waste Brain's time in putting together and offering to help me, and the overall support from everyone else here made me want to work through it and trust the process.
As it turns out, when I went through some of the beliefs statements with the BB, they started to feel more true, and I was able to connect with and believe them (to different degrees) while working the tracks.
I made some notes about the whole week, there are as follows:
Sunday July 8
* = 18 min BB, started at ~3:30
> = 12 min BB, started at ~3:30
# = NOT part of the exercise
* “I must have controlled my emotions” – I had no connection to this whatsoever before hand, it didn't feel true for me at all… until about 5 mins in of trying to believe it, and various memories came up, mainly around my feelings not being important
> “Showing emotions had been dangerous” – No connection, before or during. This created resistance to continue, anxiety about doing it right, if this was even going to work for me, etc.
* “Showing emotions had been bad” – Again, no connection before, and I accidentally did the 18 min instead of the RXd 12 min BB track. About halfway through of really trying to believe it, more memories about not feeling important. Not so much bad, but not worth showing.
> “Showing emotions had been unsafe” – Nothing before, during I got a lot of stuff around the period of my life where I was working on my “social skills”…. or rather, when I got into the PUA (Pick Up Artist) community and the ideas there, about not caring, being aloof, etc and my feelings around being too much of a nice guy in my earlier years, being cheated on, dumped, always “friend-zoned” because I was “sweet and kind”
* “I couldn't have opened up to anyone” – THIS was deep in my soul! I felt it very deeply, not necessary around emotions as the previous ones had been, but related to my childhood traumas (mainly sexual abuse, bullying, being neglected, not being important, being expected to manage alone, and all the repetitions around those themes). This statement was the first of the exercise that brought me to tears.
The above was done over around 1.5 hours, with small breaks in between – mainly resistance! Pacing the house, opening cupboards for no reason, and vaping (I started smoking at 13 (I´m nearly 36 now) and smoked cannabis HEAVILY for most of my life. I stopped both on June 5th. The vaping I want to stop ASAP, but I still have that nicotine addiction for now… that's another thing I plan to deal with, but step by step!)
Long relaxational accelerator at bedtime.
Monday July 9
Not too much emotional additional emotional release, but feeling very positive and keen to continue. Again, I had little connection to some of the statements initially, but I was very keen to “work through them and get to the stuff that will help me”. I think I was in denial about these things actually effecting me…
* “I couldn´t have survived without anger” – no real connection to this at first, but sure enough as I went through the track, many times of EXTREME anger came to mind, but mostly these were internal states, as opposed to vocally or physically expressing them, although there were some memories and events where the expressions were external. I didn't believe consciously that I needed anger to survive, but my sub did apparently!
* “I must not have been vulnerable” – the 2nd statement that I REALLY connected with. Lots of memories, again around I´m not worth being looked after, I have to do it alone, there's no point showing feelings because no-one cares… (man, I have to go through this post after I´m finished and add these to my list, some still have some charge!)
* “Showing my feelings was a sign of weakness” – less connection than the above, but similar feelings and memories came up
* “I must not have cried” – another strong one, again feelings of being ignored, rejected, not important, etc
At this point, after the concentrated efforts to use the tool even with all the resistance I was having, I felt a strong urge to write a list of my awful beliefs, and then did one of my own later in the day:
# * “I was a loser” – ouch, this one was REAL. Amazing amount of memories and events to back that one up. The track did wonders, but also drained, and left me feeling “fuck I am so messed up, I still have so much shit to deal with” etc.
I did the relaxational accelerator in the evening, fell asleep
Tuesday-Wednesday 10-11 July
I did literally nothing, except I squeezed in one more BIG one from my personal list:
# * “I was not worthy” – lots of emotion, lots of memories, lots of release.
I basically “knocked myself out” for 2 whole days, I was a depressed, bipolar emotional wreck of despair for Tuesday and Wednesday. I avoided work, my family, lost my temper, cried, had suicidal thoughts (I never would, but I´m not a stranger to those thoughts), fell asleep in the day… all I could do to manage being alive was to just be alone. I got outside on my bicycle and drank beer and vaped a lot. I think I also ate some shitty junk food (another separate issue for me: “food = love”)
Thursday July 12
I was so damn resistant to doing any more, scared, frustrated, getting mad, annoyed… and then I remembered the “why” technique from Brain, the idea of “get mad at it”, so I did the following (again, not from the exercise):
# Tapping Accelerator on “why not starting things / not doing what I need to / so fucking lazy” – the tears just flowed, I was sobbing doing this, absolute despair, a lot of repressed emotions… but no real specific memories or reasons, just kind of mentally skirting around things…
# EEF click track on the same feelings from above – still no specifics, but a LOT of emotion releasing
# Cascade release 1+2 – on the above, not starting things, not finishing things, leaving things to the last minute, missed opportunities, wasted opportunities, etc…
# * 18 Min BB “I couldn't help myself” – this is what my sub gave me after the above, it felt right. This ties into past life experiences (hahaha yes, I did say that! I expect I lost some of you there, but I remember several past lives quite vividly, I´ve had past life regression (hypnosis) and also Shamanic “Soul Retrieval Therapy”… I know that will rub some the wrong way, however I always put it like this “either I really remember it, or I made it up, but for me I remember and feel it as if it's true, so the specifics don't really matter” – I'll happily talk about those if anyone is interested, but I´m already writing a damn essay, so I´ll just gloss over that for now)
# * “I was a bad person” DING DING DING DING This one I knew was there, behind so many things. This was my reality. I must have spent 45 minutes sitting down to do it and then finding an excuse to do something else! Randomly jumpy on Amazon and buy shit. Vape. Get a snack. Sit down. Stand up. Walk to another room. Come on the forums and read PSTEC stuff. Write notes about beliefs I need to work on. I am a PRO level procrastinator. I finally go around to it. And OMG… I played the track, and after 2 seconds it was like life flashing before my eyes… all the awful things, events, experiences, hurt, pain, it just hit me like an intercontinental freight train… man. I wept, I sobbed, I felt like absolute shit, a terrible human being… of course, the track worked magic, and that particular belief is now gone, although there's still more work to be done around some aspects and related things.
# * “I didn't deserve anything good” – another massive one, related to the first, but the charge had decreased on this after the above was done. More weeping, sobbing, and release.
# * “I wasn't good enough” – as above, although I still think I need to be more specific around this and some other things… maybe. I´m giving it a bit of time and then will work as needed.
After this, I just WANTED to keep going. I was chomping at the bit. But my wife had taken the kids to work, and they came home, and I had to stop. And of course, it was good that I did stop there, because…
Saturday – Sunday July 14-15
You can guess what happened, right? NOTHING DONE. ABSOLUTE DESPAIR. Depression. Feeling numb. Feeling lost. Feeling horribly alone. I knew what I was doing on the Friday, and honestly I felt like I deserved whatever emotional punished I got from doing those BIG beliefs all together. And I also really wanted to get moving and get stuff done.
Monday July 16
The emotional instability continued, but the urge to get going and work through things was there too, and at this point I felt like I´d taken too long, I was letting Brian and the rest of you guys done, I hadn't done what I was supposed to do, etc etc… so I just got stuck in and worked on my things (and not my actual work work… fortunately I can be incredibly productive when I need to be, and I was working from home, so that's not an issue for now, and this stuff is important!)
I did, however, shorten the 18 min to 12 min for some of the following:
> “I must have held it all in” – connected to this before and during strongly, great release and improvement
> “I must have pretended to be OK” as above
* “I must not have been angry” – not so much connection, but still some, and nice feeling afterwards, feeling like making progress
* I must not have been sad” – this connected more for me, but less when I actually DID it than when I first read it in the exercise a few days before. The previous work obviously had an effect.
* “It had been bad to feel hurt” – similar to the first day, I didn't directly connect with this initially, but as I ran it, sure enough, I had plenty of memories and events come to mind, so it was certainly helpful. I ended up snoozing by the end of it though!
Tuesday 17 July
* “I must not have been bad” – this was another strong one for me, and started bringing up very young memories around my maternal Grandmother, who lived with my family from my birthday until her death when I was 16 (and who suffered a series of strokes over the 3 years prior, completely deteriorated in front of our eyes, I help bath and move her from wheelchair to commode (toilet), to chair, to bed daily – that was tough, I was always her favourite, and apparently a number of memories around her were deeply in there around ideas of being good… not spiking up my hair with hair gel, for example!!)
> “I must not have shown my anger” – grandmother related things again, and around my early teen years of being that “nice guy” that all the guys complained about the “jerks” to (while still wanting them lol!)
> “I must have pretended to be happy” – I never felt this, but apparently my sub connected with it, because while I would say (and people who know me would definitely say) that I “wear my heart on my sleeve” and you would know exactly how I am feeling, I for sure have repressed all that bad stuff and, yes, felt I had to pretend to be ok, just get on with it, etc
> “I must have pretended to feel good” – as above
I also did more work from my own list, as follows:
Started by just writing, asking sub what I should work on… soon enough things started coming out. The biggest thing was things related to my mother (of course – the parents are the root of so much), so I did:
# Click Accelerator: just thinking about my mum, being anxious, not being good enough, not doing things right… just trying to get clarity. There are PLENTY of specific issues and memories, I was just going with it
# 2015 Long Click track: My notes say “ALL OVER!!” I was thinking and feeling the above things, my current work situation/environment (toxic… or at least, so I thought. Well, for sure it is, but I was making it worse also… it's improving now), feeling anxious, feeling uncomfortable, my barbershop and not feeling “cool enough” (they are SUPER “cool” guys (and actually legitimately very nice people) but they have kind of a “mafia family” feeling going on, tattoos, skull rings, beards, all single, all “lads”, etc…), being sweaty…. I messed up the clicks and the tones and the changing over hands, my phone audio cut out 2/3 of the way through, and I just got crazy frustrated…
# EEF 1: Getting MAD at not doing it right, it won't work for me, etc… so many memories came up, including peeing myself in middle school in the whole school assembly (I desperately needed to pee but I was too scared to put my hand up and ask to go in front of everyone, so I tried to hold it and hold it and eventually I couldn't hold it and all the kids jumped up and yelled in disgust at me… I had totally forgotten it!), again more wasted opportunities, not being good enough at my high school, not beinggood enough for a previous “dream job” I had (and got fired from because I self-sabotaged HARD), my current job, situation getting worse… thoughts of having to be the best/better came up (I would consider myself non-competitive, but clearly I´m not, I just never found an appropriate outlet (I never played/liked/was good enough for team sports… except Rugby, that I was put in because I was fat, or so i thought. PE teacher wanted a solid kid, and I was strong)…. thoughts about being on my motorbike, being first, being better, being better than the rich people in their Mercedes and Porsches, Mazaratis, Bentleys, etc (this is a wealthy area!), having to prove myself, driving like an absolute A-HOLE, speeding, very dangerous driving… and yet also having some pride and feeling “better than” about eople because I follow the rules of the road, am more skilled, more aware, more courteous… yes I realize the hypocracy and contradiction!… feeling of not wanting to help others because they will be picked over me, they will take me work or help and get picked over me… so basically, a LOT of stuff came up that I still have to go through, process, and work on!
# EEF on “being stuck, not knowing what to do, stuck in this life, stuck with responsibilities, stuck in this job…” and I feel asleep
Thursday 19 July (today)
# * “I hated women”
# * “I wasn't able to talk to hot women”
# * “If I talked to women, I would have been hurt”
These may seem odd for a married guy, but these things were deep in me, and absolutely relating to (i) past lives (ii) this life (iii) current social anxiety and difficulties just being social at work and in general
Summary
During the whole period, I have had highs and lows. I´ve been far more aware of being massively anxious and uncomfortable. At times, I´ve been better able to deal with it, and at other times I´ve been horribly depressed and upset by it.
In general, this is certainly helping, and I am positive that life is improving exponentially. I am more forgiving and accepting that this is going to take some time. I still haven't done ANY positive suggestions at all. I probably should, but I haven't done nearly enough clicktracks or BB yet I don't think.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT, SORRY FOR THE ESSAY!