Deep-seated fear of abandonment

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  • #21766
    requin
    PSTEC User

    I've re-realized that I think my biggest deep-seated fear is abandonment. My father left before I was even born, my sister and i were both unplanned and unwanted by both parents.

    I'm now 53 and have become quite adept, consciously or unconsciously, at pushing every r'ship (of all kinds) out of my life or seeing to it that ppl leave. At the same time of course I have a huge hunger for love and closeness, cannot hold onto it, crave it, and the cycle continues.

    I am almost completely alone. I never had kids, my family is small (sister, brother, mother and myself) and of them, only my mother is ever around. I don't have friends. I work and go home. So you see I have managed quite well to isolate (protect?) myself yet of course I'm miserably lonely !! 

    Since losing my bf I often have short (several seconds) but very intense panic attacks when I'm waking out of sleep..that moment going into consciousness…a horrible intense panicky freak out of primal fear that seems to scream, “He's gone! You're alone! You're going to die alone!!! Be alone the rest of your life!!”  Horrendous.  I don't get that feeling while awake, it only hits when waking up.  How can I handle that w/ PSTec?

    I have PSNeg, PSPos, EEFs, Accelerators, of course the standard CTs, and more.

    The other question is how to effectively word my PSNeg statement re: my fear of abandonment..that love never sticks around.  And even harder to figure out–counter statements!  Are they supposed to be examples of our own life or can they be life in general?  How do I find examples in my own life of love staying when it pretty much hasn't? 

    This is depressing yet at the same time I'm excited and optimistic because now that i think I've found the root problem (one of them anyway) I feel sure that PSTec can help–IF I can do it right!  Hence this post asking for suggestions.

    Thank you!
    P.S. Also want to add that since I've been doing PSTec lately, trying to work on my breakup, nothing has really changed consciously, I feel the same, but in bed I seem to have crazy dreams and a lot of stuff seems to be making sense now when I think about it. Not sure if it's related to the use of PSTec.

    #24153
    requin
    PSTEC User

    Came up w/ this as a possible PSNeg statement, “It is my belief that love will always leave me.”  or “It is my belief that I will always be abandoned.”  What do you think?

    I'm having serious trouble coming up w/ counters because my experience has been that this belief is true!  As I asked above, how do I come up w/ counters, unless I can use other ppl as examples such as, “People do stay in r'ships for life” or something.
    The only one I can think of that fits my own life is “Mom is still here”.
    Can I use things like, “If I didn't push, people would stay”  ??
    Or, “Love is all around and everywhere”, or “People are loving”. 

    I'm sort of stumped here.  Thanks for the assistance, Peter (Tim, or whomever).

    #24154
    Peter Bunyan
    PSTEC User

    Hi Requin

    Glad to hear that you still use PSTEC and get some if only temporary relief. It is quite common for PSTEC users to suddenly remember or realise something from their past either forgotten about or now making sense where it did not before.

    It seems to me that your real base problem is a lack of love when you were young, when you needed it most, no father and being “unplanned”. Your fear of abandonment is a reflection of that “lack” clinging desperately to what little love you had and afraid you might lose that. You were happy with your partner for a while and now that he is gone you are desperately still clinging on to the love that you had and that's why it is so hard for you now to get over it. Apologies if I am in any way wrong here.

    Before you can “counter” the fear of abandonment” with PSTEC Negative you would need to CT the fear first. It is after all an unwanted emotion.

    Always fearing and noticing “lack of” is the surest way of maintaining that position. Whilst you find yourself in this apparent “no choice” place, one way forward is to have blind faith that things will get better and focus on that, with nothing to support that belief, except to CT every feeling stopping it. Then create positives working towards what it really is in life that you want/need. This might be put as creating your own reality not allowing your current reality to shape you.

    Another thing I feel I must say at this point is that you cannot expect someone else to love you if you do not love yourself. Your father running off and you being not wanted (at the time) just add up to you feeling that you were somehow not worth loving or unlovable, this at an age when you were not old enough to understand, it became “normal” to you. This lack of self worth is still carried within you today, causing you misery and loneliness that is “normal” to you.

    Your “normal” feelings are habits created many years ago, they are still habits today. The whole point of CTs is that they remove those early feelings and break those old habits of feeling so that they do not affect your present today.

    Again apologies for any errors here. My trying to remain professional and neutral might come across in text as hard and uncaring. I do not believe this is so. My Mother “ran off” when I was four”, being the third child I think I was the “final straw that broke the camels back”.

    More tomorrow.
    Peter

    #24155
    requin
    PSTEC User

    Peter, thank you SO MUCH for your reply. I was eagerly awaiting one because I'm anxious to delve into the  PSTec work.

    In fact, after I wrote those posts I went ahead and did a basic CT and then an EEF on the fear of being alone.  Before I did them I listened to Tim's 12 min audio on panic attacks.  In that, he says panic attacks can take a lot of CT work so I'm going to keep doing it for a while on that morning panicky feeling, even though I cannot feel that once I”m truly awake, I do the best I can.

    After that I did PS Neg using “It is my belief that love will always leave me.”  Then I did PS Pos using, “Love can be mine forever!”

    Don't have a clue if those are useful ways of wording it but I know it can't hurt so I went ahead.  Still would love to get input on the best way or wording the abandonment issue.

    And YES of course you're right about the lack of love I received as a child etc.  I could have gone into a ton more detail on all of that but I didn't want the post to be a missive lol.

    I agree too that I should do more work on the feeling unworthy/unlovable thing even though I think I”ve made headway there.

    I very much like your idea of focussing on things getting better etc. In fact that goes along w/ my beliefs (those of Neville Goddard) that “an assumption, although false, if persisted in will harden into fact”…due to the subconscious's ability to outpicture what we truly BELIEVE.  Hence I'm trying to get rid of the deep-seated negative beliefs which are hindering my progress in believing the stuff I want…namely, love like I had before (preferably w/ the same guy, because as I said, I firmly believe it was my fear of losing him that made him leave, so I firmly believe if I no longer have that fear, I can draw him back).

    You don't sound unfeeling at all, I greatly appreciate your advice and insight and for the most part you're spot on.  Coming from a similiar situation (I'm sad to see), you do understand. 

    I look forward to anymore advice/insight you can give about how to use PS Negative especially (and those pesky positive counters to prime the pump). 

    Today, after doing all that CTing (and I had a horrible headache while doing them too, but that didn't stop me)…I've felt different. It might be the migraine medicine I don't know (lol)..I do hope though that somehow I did some good w/ the PSTec'ing that I've done so far.

    Thanks again.
    R.

    #24156
    Peter Bunyan
    PSTEC User

    Hi Requin

    Re use PSTEC Negative and Positive. As you have found they do not work so well if you just construct a statement as a form of words and even with the power of PSTEC expect it to work amazingly well.

    With Negative it think it works best for those negative, self limiting things that you can with a bit of practice find your self saying and thinking, time and time again. Things that quite often start “I can't do….”, “I hate doing….”, “What's the point of….”,”I'm no good at…”, “I'll never….”. They might feel like they are a part of you, that they define you somehow, that you have said them all your life, even your parents said them. Every time you think or say such things you re-enforce the belief more, and reduce your self worth even more. If and when you catch yourself saying or thinking such a thing, write it down, ASAP so you can work on it when you have time. Remember to CT it before running the Negative track.

    You can't send a text message to a landline phone unless it has the built in facility or you go through a 3rd party service, one is digital the other analogue. In effect different languages. Your conscious mind uses language, words, and your subconscious feelings AKA emotions. In between is your imagination which is accessible by both levels of brain/consciousness, which converts both ways.

    So when you construct your positive statement you need to be able to imagine it being true, actually happening, before and during the track. But for a Negative you need to imagine the consequence of something missing or lack of or what is the worst that can happen. This then should help construct those alternative counter statements which need to point out why the Negative is unwanted, unhelpful, hurtful etc.

    In a similar way to the CTs you can rate the Negative statement by asking yourself “How true is this?” on a scale of 0-10 where 0 is not at all and 10 is very true. You can rate it after the track as well. For Positive statements it should be the other way round with 0 being very true and 10 not at all. With Positives it may not be worth proceeding unless you can believe (even if at a stretch) your own statement, so say below 5.

    Hope this has given you something to work with.
    Peter

    #24157
    requin
    PSTEC User

    Thanks Peter.

    Tim says in the user guide to PS Neg that we should get to the core beliefs and not work on the leaves (of the tree).  So I tried to get to the core (one of them anyway) by going w/ my belief that I'll always be abandoned.  In some r'ships/situations I do actually feel that way (i.e. w/ my bf, I worried he would leave…(abandon me) and he did).  In other cases I don't consciously think I'm going to be abandoned, but I cause strife w/ people or simply disappear…and then confirm I've been abandoned again (even though I'm the one that did it!!)  (I tend to do it first as a protective mechanism; if I leave them, or push them away, they cannot leave me, which is more painful).

    At any rate, I appreciate your ideas because I've got PLENTY of beliefs I can work on, even if they are not the bottom-line beliefs.

    As for the positive statements, yes I get it that we should be able to imagine it being true, hence I used the word “can”  in my statement of “Love can be mine forever”.  Because right now I don't have anyone in my life who IS gonna be mine forever (and I might have trouble believing that right yet).  So is this ok?

    Counter statements (to the negative statement) that point out the statement is unwanted, unhelpful, and hurtful — ok, I think I can come up with those.  They won't necessarily be (or feel) true in my life right now…(due to the negative belief) but those are what I should use eh?  I thought the counter statements had to be contrary statements that are actually felt/true in our life now.  (That's why it's hard to come up w/ any–the neg belief is winning out).

    Thanks again.  This has indeed given me more to work with. 

    #24158
    Peter Bunyan
    PSTEC User

    Requin

    Bear in mind that the “fear of abandonment” was and is a FEAR first, you have given it a name and with multiple uses it has become a belief or habit/pattern of thought.

    So CT with the future scenario in your mind/imagination/internal youtube of you finding another “true love” and yourself ruining it, pushing them away, and leaving you alone again.

    (You probably won't have to try hard to feel bad in that scene.)

    Then go forward with Negative or Positive or both in that order.

    Peter

    #24159
    requin
    PSTEC User

    I did say in another response that I CT'd the fear (feeling) using a basic CT and an EEF, before I did PS Neg and Pos.

    I'll do it again though using the fear of losing a future person.

    Thank you !

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