Fear of confrontation – Help needed – My Journey with PSTEC
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Paul McCabe
Hi plus1g,
The belief “what makes me good enough is having other people think well of me” is a survival strategy belief. To the best of my knowledge, Tim hasn't mentioned this type of belief.
From what I have learned and experienced, the source of this is having the belief “I'm not good enough” and then coming up with a survival strategy to “feel good enough.” We would form this, if we didn't feel good enough (likely from early interactions with our parents or caregivers), but got approval from people. So, our strategy would be along the lines of “to feel/be good enough, I have to get other people to think well of me.”
As I understand it, it would be inconceivable to have a negative self-esteem belief and not have a survival strategy in place. Most beliefs, behaviours and conditionings we adopt were designed to help us survive.
So, you will see these patterns in lots of, if not most, people. Someone could subconsciously have the belief “I'm not good enough” but still be achieving things in life. They could hold the complementary belief “what makes me good enough is achieving things” or “getting plaudits.”
The survival strategy is a remnant of certain beliefs. In my opinion, it's always worthwhile to get rid of anything that might “drive” us (perhaps in an undesirable sense) to prove something about our self-worth. We are good enough, because we are.
I appreciate that the belief I cited does not conform to the 8-10 word rule of PN. I have still seen this working effectively. 4 of words are only 2 letters long.
If you wish, you could shorten the belief to something like:
“What makes me good enough is people thinking well of me” (11 words) or “What makes me good enough is getting approval” (8 words)
Eliminating these types of emotional and behavioural patterns is extremely liberating. Doing so does not blunt ambition or mean we are immune to praise, but these become more of a desire than a NEED.
Desiring something and not being driven by something are completely different experiences of life.
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
http://www.lifestyleforchange.com
Please contact me anytime if you want any assistance in utilising PSTEC to help you live a life of tremendous freedom & possibility.
Recreate yourself with PSTEC.
Skype, Zoom, in-person & phone sessions available…
Brian Tucker
Perfect, you guys are ALL the best!
I am going to remove these three
“What makes me good enough is helping people”
“What makes me good enough is people thinking well of me”
“What makes me good enough is getting approval”Beyond “I am good enough”, what would be a few suggestions for PSTEC Positive statements?
Paul McCabe
Hi plus1g,
You are very welcome. I am very much inspired by your journey and your commitment to help yourself and others.
With Positive statements and suggestions, it's all about what inspires you personally and what you wish to create or BE.
If I was running positive statements after eliminating the Negative beliefs you listed, I'd get a lot of power from:
“I can feel great for no reason.”
“I approve of myself.”
“I can give up my need for approval.”
“I do the best I can.”
“When I approve of myself, good things happen.”
“I like to help people for pure reasons.”
Some of those sentences may resonate more with me than they would with you, but that is the type of structure I choose.
You will see that they do not condemn approval or helping others (to a very large extent, they are important in the right context) but they reframe them slightly and make them more a preference than a potential stressor.
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
http://www.lifestyleforchange.com
Please contact me anytime if you want any assistance in utilising PSTEC to help you live a life of tremendous freedom & possibility.
Recreate yourself with PSTEC.
Skype, Zoom, in-person & phone sessions available…
Peter Bunyan
Hi Paul
“I can give up my need for approval”
This statement does not sound very positive to me. It feels like it is leading to a vacuum, what am I getting instead of approval? But I like approval! Approval feels safe and reassuring, it would be better IMO to provide some alternative benefit in exchange, something better. This gives your sub a reason to let go.Peter
Paul McCabe
Hi Peter,
I know what you mean, but it's distinction between need and desire. I used to have such a need for approval and, while I would certainly desire it (over, say, disapproval), it's not a need. I can be perfectly happy without it.
So, that suggestion might be something that has more impact or significance for me than it would for someone else.
And that's before we even get into the trickier questions of “what IS approval anyway?
Paul
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
http://www.lifestyleforchange.com
Please contact me anytime if you want any assistance in utilising PSTEC to help you live a life of tremendous freedom & possibility.
Recreate yourself with PSTEC.
Skype, Zoom, in-person & phone sessions available…
Peter Bunyan
Hi Paul
When talking of Positive and Negatives in relation to the mind then they are not literal polar opposites. Because to be literal requires conscious level thought in language with rational logic whereas we are trying to change emotions that are created below consciousness in the subconscious. The subconscious is the older animal part of our nature and evolved long before human level consciousness arrived. The more primitive mind only notices and sees what is there and if it is not noticed by any senses then it does not exist, literally seeing is believing. With our human conscious mind that is more sophisticated we can work out the difference say between need and desire and can imagine something not being there and anticipate loss. So yes while you have some resonance with a negatively framed positive it is not so likely to change the underlying problem emotion than a positively framed statement. With PSTEC Positive you are trying to give instructions to your sub, “this is what I want, make it so!” By using a negatively framed positive you are saying to yourself “make it so, without this” which you might really desire only your sub cannot understand the “without”. Because of the complexities of your emotions around the statement it might still work for you but I cannot recommend it. Generally keep it positive, keep it simple.
Paul keep in mind I write here for all others reading this who might well be newbies to PSTEC and the ways of the mind.
Approval is where self esteem/worth is based upon other peoples judgement. Need for approval is a sign of low self esteem/worth.
Need v Desire. Needs are strong emotions that are fulfilled immediately without thought. (Strong frustration possibly anger if blocked) Desires are anticipated needs that are weaker that we can wait for but would rather have fulfilled sooner. There are probably many other ways of looking at this and so easy to get tied up in linguistic knots.
Does this sound about right to you?
PeterPaul McCabe
Hi Peter,
That makes a lot of sense. I really do appreciate your insights and get a lot of value from your posts.
With the particular sentence I offered, I agree that “installing” it would probably not do much on its own. I just saw it as a bonus reminder to ensure the old pattern is eliminated, but perhaps it is redundant.
I would actually contend that, when getting rid of strong, unwanted emotions and beliefs, the need for approval would go away on its own – as long as it's sufficiently targeted. The Positive suggestions are “reinforcers” in this case.
I am not sure whether you have experienced this personally or with clients but, when you eliminate beliefs and neutralise emotions, some issues will just go away on their own. In other words, deleting the negative/unwanted pattern will automatically create space for the positive. I have experienced it with some, but not all, patterns.
That was how it played out for me (and I admit I used other modalities too) when eliminating a need for approval.
With “need”, I wasn't meaning the 6 Human Needs or hierarachy of needs or any other concepts like that. In my case, the emotional drive. With how I held the pattern, it would mean that the presence of approval would fire me up and the mere absence of it would leave me feeling deflated.
However, I only wanted “approval” on my terms (praise), and we can open up new possibilities when we realise that people can approve of us and what we do without expressing it vocally or in our preferred way.
When you eliminate the right beliefs and conditionings, your perception changes on its own. That's what plus1g, you, I and many others have experienced. “You'll see it when you believe it.”
When you change what you believe, you start seeing things differently.
PSTEC's brilliance lies in its ability to get people to that point (should that be the aim), and by using different tools to arrive there.
Maybe I'm going off on a tangent but when we use these tools to accept and feel good about ourselves and other people, the need for approval tends to go away on its own. That, however, might be a separate essay
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
http://www.lifestyleforchange.com
Please contact me anytime if you want any assistance in utilising PSTEC to help you live a life of tremendous freedom & possibility.
Recreate yourself with PSTEC.
Skype, Zoom, in-person & phone sessions available…
Sally Baker
This is an interesting thread. Sounds as though you're doing great work – or as Jeff would say 'play'. There's also valuable input too. This forum rocks!
Brian Tucker
OK – Been away for a bit, started a new job, had some personal things going on and a little traveling. We fire the tracks backup this week. Feeling amazing. Everything in my life is great but I see plenty of opportunity for me to continue doing the work.
More to come!
Peter Bunyan
Sally, now you have done it! I can't get Status Quo out of my head. [color=rgb(0, 102, 33)]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-8K8Hj8bxE[/color]
Rockin all over the World.
Peter
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