PSTEC for suicidality & bipolar
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Jen
First- I am safe when asking about suicidality that is good to start with.
I've been in & out of therapy 8 years & am on a small dose of bipolar meds.
My most recent therapist did EMDR with me. She moved and about 3 weeks after we stopped working together the suicidality came back.
I enjoy my job, our kids are doing well, I generally have lots of good moments each day, I'm fairly healthy… mostly life is good.
This last week was a real low. I got out PSTEC & used it quite a lot. I did the belief blaster on “I wanted to be dead.” It helped.
Of course, that is hardly enough to go on but, what suggestions would you give me to get started?
PSTEC products that I have:
Belief blasters
Level 1
Quantum Turbo
Accelerators
How to achieve Almost anything the easy way (listening to this now.)
Magic SentencesUpdate: After listening to “How to achieve almost anything.” I click tracked a bit and then believe blasted “I couldn't succeed,” then “I couldn't continue to achieve.” Because lots of time I have success, but then it falls apart. Like after graduating with honors, I didn't like teaching and didn't do well with my first job. Now I'm grossly underpaid for my education, but in a job that I enjoy. I still have the feeling that I'll screw it up and loose it.
Then I did “I couldn't let go of suicidality.” During that one the idea of rewarding myself with a family trip to Disney, if I let it go of the suicidality. Saving money on therapy, could justify the cost of such a trip. It seemed like a great idea, although when sharing it with therapist it doesn't sound as good. I do think it would motivate me to do click tracks regularly, as carry through as been a problem for me in general. (I belief blasted that this weekend too.)
Paul McCabe
Hi Jen,
Thanks for your post and for sharing your story.
I appreciate your honesty. You are not alone here and please always feel free to reach out.
There are so many ways to approach this, and no “one size fits all” naturally.
However, instinctually, I would recommend CTing any guilt you have had:
– about your diagnosis
– about being in therapy
– about not feeling you have achieved what you set out to achieve.
– about “not being grateful enough” (which tends to be evident in people who are generally happy with their life circumstances, but feel guilty for feeling bad)
– about feeling suicidal thoughts
There will be other memories, of course. Guilt is a huge emotion to clear.
You may wish to run a Tapping Accelerator on the question “what am I guilty about?”
See what else comes to mind, rate each memory from 0 to 10 and then run a EEF track on the guilt. CT until the SUD rating of 0 or 1.
You can run a CT on each “guilty memory”, or could combine them and run it on the whole “guilt cluster.”
It seems that your therapist moving stirred something up in you. It may have been a sense of abandonment or loss (e.g. losing an important person in your life). I suspect that, because it triggered you in some way, it is worth CTing any negative feelings you had about your therapist moving on.
Also, you may wish to spiral back in time to see if you can an earlier time where someone important left. Go back as far as you can and see if the following helps trigger some memories:
– abandonment
– loss
– death
– being left behindIf anything painful comes to mind, please CT it down to a 0 or 1.
Then, with the Belief Blasters, check to see whether any of the following beliefs resonate with you. Say them out loud, see if they feel true and, if they do, put them into the past tense and blast them:
– “I'm not important”
– “I don't matter”
– “I'm a failure”
– “I'm not good enough”
– “Life is a struggle”
– “Life is unfair”
– “I'm a disappointment”
– “Nothing ever works out for me”
– “I'm doomed”
– “Everyone is going to leave me”
– “People can't be trusted”
– “I'm a screw-up”
– “I'll lose everything”
– “I'm never going to be successful”
– “I'm not OK”
– “There's something wrong with me”
– “I'm deeply flawed”
– “I'm not fixable”My recommendation would be to blast each belief that seems/feels true. Remember to put them into the past tense and, when running BB, try hard to believe the belief.
For each belief you blast, you may wish to run a PQT suggestion that really lights you up.
At the very least, though, run the Belief Blasters and Click Tracks. These will make a huge difference. You can absolutely get this handled.
I could write much more, but don't wish to overwhelm you. We can dialogue.
I hope that helps.
Please keep us updated.
All the best,
Paul
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
http://www.lifestyleforchange.com
Please contact me anytime if you want any assistance in utilising PSTEC to help you live a life of tremendous freedom & possibility.
Recreate yourself with PSTEC.
Skype, Zoom, in-person & phone sessions available…
Thank you, Paul. That is some amazing insight.
This is a great start & your right any more would be overwhelming. So I will let you know how this goes & when I'm ready for the next step.
Thank you!
Update: I had done some clicking on frustrations of needing to be in therapy to not be suicidal last weekend.
3/12 Before sleeping I Quantumed your (Paul's) suggestion from the other thread. “I can be really proud of myself, as I'm doing an amazing job.”
3/13 Then I did the same when I woke up.
Then I belief blasted, “I wasn't trusted,” which was brought up by a dream. I did a second belief blaster on “I couldn't trust myself.” A therapist had said that me fearing that I would hurt myself is what made the suicidality stick. So I thought of not trusting myself to not hurt myself. I also though of how I couldn't be trusted by Mom to choose my own bath water temperature. She always thought I wanted it too cold, but the hot hurt. I thought of how I could not trust my brain to read the correct word (dyslexia type stuff), to know the correct math answer,or even to say the word that I mean.
Typing that stirred up intense emotion, so I clicked that with Level 1. The strongerst parts were: I'll never amount to anything, feeling stupid and how my diagnosises (learning challenges & bipolar) effect my currect job as a librarian & homeschool mom.
BB- I would never amount to anything (with was incablable/ stupid kind of tied in)
This lead to BB- They were better off without me. (Apply to my kids who I use to my kids, my parent, my husband & a bit to my older brother.) I think I will revisit that one, when I have more time.As I got ready for the day I started singing Elton John's “How wonderful life is when you're in the world.” (I'm very musical.)
So I click tracked, “How wonderful life is when I'm in the world.” I hummed along and eventually sang out loud with the main world louder each time… (But I also wondered if humming or singing out loud would make it less effective.)
3/14 The clicked more daily stuff out in between.
Then I BB- “I was ungrateful”
Then Quantumed- “Maybe I am totally blameless (in Jesus)”
Then BB- one from Paul's suggestion list- “There was something wrong with me.” That one was loaded that included the suicidality, guilt, diagnois, learning problems….
I BB- “There was So much wrong with me” but as one point I caught myself switch to “There is…”.
3/15-
I woke up feeling great.
I did 18 minute BB “There was something wrong with me agian,”I EEF click tracked the dianosis & all that is wrong with me.- thoughts of clicking not working & there being too much to fix came up.
BB-I was pathetic (looking for a more charged for unthankful and found this.)
BB-I was unhelpful
BB- I gave up (prompted by not finding the correct Lego, but applying to giving up hope in general.)
Paul McCabe
Hi Jen,
Thanks for your updates.
Please keep them coming, as a lot of people who don't post on the forum will be reading and they learn from other people's experiences
We are also here for you, if you have any questions.
Paul
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
http://www.lifestyleforchange.com
Please contact me anytime if you want any assistance in utilising PSTEC to help you live a life of tremendous freedom & possibility.
Recreate yourself with PSTEC.
Skype, Zoom, in-person & phone sessions available…
Thank you Paul!
3/15- A lot of stuff came up during my day and I felt worn out.
In the evening I had 3 hours of using PSTEC, resting, and praying gratitude, starting with listening to wealth of abundance. I BB being ungrateful & “I did I was unsafe.” I did other work. I can't remember all exactly. Afterwards it felt like I'd taken a vacation. I got a lot of house work done quickly.
At bed time I was ready to do some positive, but fell asleep during it. I think that one was “I am good” (with the background of that meaning accepted because of Christ).
3/16
I had my first bad dream since I've been doing this consistently. We were hiding from a tornado.BB- I was unsafe or I was in danger.
That brought thoughts of people pleasing.
BB- I had to please/ impress God/ people.
I started with “I had to please people” but it kind of evolved. By my faith it is silly to think of impressing a God, who saves by grace… yet that was pretty mixed up in my brain.
While playing video games with my son.
I BB “I needed attention.”
“I failed” (which I always do at competitive video games, but he is very patient.)
BB-“Successful people mattered more” thinking largely of my younger sister who is a doctor, plays piano… and also of the people with disabilities that I work with regularly.
BB- “I didn't matter,” largely thinking of my job & the small effect it has compared to my sister's job & the job that I planned to do. Also thinking of social events where I am so ignored that I needed even be there- even though I am wanted there.
BB- “I lost” spurred on by loosing game after game to my son, but also thought of sports, education, interviews, jobs, attention seeking as a child…Around 1 O'clock I was feeling tired and I laid down and did the positive ones I'd thought of during my longer break yesterday.
quantum- “I have been given life to the fullest” (It felt to long so I dropped it down to 'I have been given life” part way through.) This was really powerful. I often feel like I don't deserve good things/ even life at some level. So that fact that God gave me life wheather I deserve it or not really sunk in. I'd meant for the focus to be on the “to the full” part based on John 10:10, but life alone ended up being the powerful part.
Quantumed- “I have been given hope (love, joy. peace, & friendship)” The idea of hope included the others. I pictured the world HOPE surrounded by the smaller words of love, joy, peace 7 friendship, when ever hope was the word of emphasis… part way through our cat broke something and I came up to comfort my crying daughter.
Despight getting interupted, I felt much more energized than when I had started.
I clicked through some guilt of having suicidality especially as a Christian, because the two don't line up.
Later at music practice, I stared out at the chairs that will be an audience tomorroh and all of the gunk came up softly… as is comon for public speakng to bring up insecurities. I thought of the good statements like “I have been given life.” “I focus on hope.” It ended up being a very soul touching practice.
I thought “I'm no longer going to kill myself” & wondered how to click that. The scripture refrences really spoke me me. I looked them up and felt great assurance. I'd like to QT some of them.
It seems like too much time to PSTEC everything, but I have around 50 years left on earth so it doesn't have to be all this week.
I'm hoping to QT on being choosen before the creation on the earth before bed.
4-17
I clicked as I thought through things. A lot became more clear and the twisted lies I'd been believing were clearer.4-18
BB-I had to please Mom
BB- I had to impress Mom (to honor her/ to matter)
BB- I had to have atttention to matterHoping to BB-I had to please people… when I have more time.
I thought “I'm no longer going to kill myself” & wondered how to click that.
Perhaps BB- “I was scared that I would kill myself.”
or QT- “I'm ready to live a full healthy life.”
What do you think?- Thank you in advance.
4-3-19
Click tracked a 30 minutes on needing braces, failure, being expensive….4-4-19
Clicked a minute then switched to BB- “It has been difficult.”
BB- ” Life was too hard”
Quantum check-in ” Things are better now. “Like another poster, before I went on vacation I was OCDing about using PSTEC. I did It during any free time I had and made great progress. Then a week long warm vacation was amazing. Afterwards life and not going to therapy started remounting, so I'm restarting but not as constantly. My goal is at least an hour a week, like I would do therapy.
When yuck came up in life yesterday. I thought “Grace, Grace so much Grace (my mantra reminder) on repeat. I didn't want to die though- just wanted more time and money.
Today a disagreement, flashback behavior and lack of knowing how to make more money to cover health care costs did bring up some death wishes. However It was short and more like it was coming up to leave be clicked out.
4-5-19
BB- I couldn't teach (my degree)
BB- I did not like reading (I'm a librarian)4-6-19
BB–“I couldn't fix it. ” mostly about my breathing issues related to not being able to afford airway focused orthodontics and not being able to retrain the tongue posture on my own.BB- “I couldn't afford it.” – started with thinking of braces and travel, but went into driving to local hikes, money to connect, therapy…
Afternoon
BB- “There was too much too do.”
BB- There wasn't enough ” money and time.CTing guilt you have had:
– about not feeling you have achieved what you set out to achieve.
4/8/29-
CTing the days worries
4/9/19
Clicking the days worries, especially around braces.
Even though we can afford braces, found answers to airway issues, and my husband and I agree. These big desicous and costs bring back the death wishes.
I finally found a medical field I can see makes a difference, I'd love to be an orthadonitis, but it's 9-14 years and I don't want to invest that plus…
BB- I'm too dumb to be a doctor
4/12- Woke up very anxious about health… getting the kids braces, which treatment is best, should we get a second oppion, which allergy testing should we do… if we go to a allergy doctor will they just give us medicine and want us to have body parts removed (tonsils, adnoids)… Which natural health doctor is best… which is worth the cost… how can we justify the cost… should I get braces as suggested… would damon braces system be less painful and work as well… am I just complcating things… Did Sarah's vision therapy do any good…
I clicked this before the day but was still anxious. I listened to a book on diaphram breathing and not getting too much Oxygen during work… humming. The breathing made me feel a lot better.
Then listened to a book on goal setting (sort of) Rachel Hollis, “Girl stop appologizing”
We had a great evening & happy dreams.4/13-
Woke up happyWoke up praying, thankful and happy. Did some house work, gargled a cup of water, nasel irragation and then PSTEC
BB- I wasn't a goal person
BB-I talked bad about people/ I talked about bad news.
That last one just upset me as I got thinking about an unhappy relative who I don't know what to do about. I typed out an idea sheet about finance options for her.
It's too bad that PSTEC took me from happy to upset today… thinking about the relative… now all there is to do. PSTEC is one of those things.
I bought cascade and used it on the idea or wanting to be dead, no one wanting me, heaven being better than earth…
I realized a time later than I expected where the idea of suicide was surprising. I think that was a landmark moment.
I bought and used hypnotic time machine. I made a stop on a day I had a fight with friends in high school and changed that day. Then I imagined a day 3 years later that had been hurtful & how changing the first day had made the second wonderful. I imagined my friend asking me to be college roomates that day and how excited we were.
I feel really great after that one.
I'm also gargling salt water and doing nasal irrigation twice a day. I'm got an aligner for correct jaw posture today. I can tell that my airways are opening up. With all of this combined, I look forward to a great sleep.
4/15/19
Cascade-
First thing in the morning did cascade on “I'm not enough.”4/16/19
Cascade- Too much to do/ Not enough time with a little focus on not enough money… time to earn money.4/22/19-
After Cascading on the suicidality and a number of other topics (only one a day) the death wishes seem to be worse.(I also started writing 10 things that I'm thankful for at about the same time, perhaps that is triggering things.)
It's discouraging because I don't have hours a day to do PSTEC…
4/23/19-
After reading another post about a similar but more extreem situation than mine, I really focused on one emotion. I didn't even get to finish the whole session before it was time to go jogging with my husband. But here's what happened.I focused on “failure.” After researching correct tongue posture and mewing I was hoping to fix my kids jaws without braces. After another talk with the orthadontis I decided to go forward with the $5,000 braces. I was really hoping to fix the problem with tongue traing and myobrace type appliances. It's just that I found it too late for both of them. The myobrace didn't fit correclty for our daughter. As I clicked on this I got off track a bit and brought it back to the emotion.
During it I realized that- yes- I failed to save $8,000 or more in braces, but the reseach led to treating her airway issues & his impacted teeth when neither would have been addressed well if we'd waited until 14. By then he'd have impacted or pull teeth & she'd had 4 more years of airway issues. By then both jaw expansions would be much harder. So it wasn't the savings I hoped, but it was a success.
I don't know if he would have gotten braces normally, but I do know that my husband always planne don them & that he will have healthier airways, bones & jaws for the treatment plan that we are on.
These decisions & the failure feeling it so much of what brings on the death wishes. I wish I had more time/ made more time to click… but this was good progress.
The another issue is that I shame myself for feeling bad. Another person in life does that to me too. So I feel icky today… oh well letting myself feel it and it will pass. (Maybe that came from clicking or jogging or praying… but I'm glad to see it.)
4/25/19
The death wishes have come a lot more often this last week 1/2. Yesterday I was so worried and distracted that I got very little done at work and less at home. (Thankfully my boss didn't notice or really care & I did do a piece of art that is related to the summer reading theme. I didn't do housework, but the kids and I had a bike ride & some nice times.)When I finally took alone time at 8 PM I tapped on “feeling helpless” with the cost of health care- natural & preventative and Sarah's mouth breathing…
Then I did “feeling scared.” I fell asleep during this. Woke up turned it off and took a nap. I wanted to do more but instead I was refreshed enough to function. The rest and clicking restored me to read 3 chapters of our story (something I rarely do.)
This morning I woke up prayerful and thankful. Living in fear was clear to me, just like Kasey Musgraves “Rainbow,” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSEnvguvuK0. Everything is fine, but I've been panicked out of habit.
It's my day off so i have time to tap and catch up on the house. I thought that Sarah's mouth breathing isn't an immediate problem and we'll get it under control in the next year. Yes I want it done now without spending a fortune. ($3,000 palalte expander, $250-$400 for allergist appointment +$60 per alergy test, $100 for natural health, $50 for chiropractor energy work that we are waiting to reopen). Yes I'm unsure what will work and if we're spending the right place. Yes I'm in a hustle about insurance… but we'll get it under control. With her using essential oils instead of antibiotics for her sore throats we've made a great improvement in the last 3 months. With her waring nose strips some nights we've made another and we are on the path the fixing the rest.
Clicked on needing a new furnace and medical cost. My husband isn't afraid of either.
As it got close to time, I got anxious about visiting Grandma (my goal at 2:00)
BB-I didn't have time to do what I enjoy
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