The quest for freedom and imperturbability
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- August 12, 2014 at 2:56 pm#21615gobsPSTEC User
Thanks in advance for anyone who reads this long diatribe. I understand that brevity is a virtue, but I hope to also gain some therapeutic benefit to writing out my current emotional position. I really want PSTEC to work for me, and I have found immediate emotional relief when using the click tracks. So far I have: The free tracks, PSTEC Level 1, the accelerators, and month 1 of 'Think and Grow Rich'.
I hate my job. I've hated every job I've ever had. I can't foresee ever having a job that I would be happy at.
There are many aspects to this, I probably have not identified all of them. Thinking about it right now, I can probably identify two major factors: the perceived loss of freedom, and the stress of having to deal with and interact with other people.
My fiancee is training to be a clinical psychologist. I used to be really resistant to the whole idea of mainstream psychology (mostly due to fear and defensiveness), but I have come around now and find great value in talking about what she learns and how it applies to my situation. I have admittedly been a self-help junkie for the past 6-7 years now, which originally stemmed from an extreme discontent with my first job out of college. I have been desperately searching for some sort of practical information (maybe really looking for a quick-fix), to help grab control of my fragile emotional state and to turn my life around.
Dealing with other people
I grew up in America, as the child of South Asian parents. Objectively, I may not have had things that bad… my parents weren't super strict or physically abusive, and my area was relatively diverse with many other children of similar backgrounds. Nevertheless, I have always been extremely sensitive, enough so that all of the emotional trauma I have sustained has left me as a bruised and fragile shadow of the true potential which I know I have inside.
I was bullied at school.I'm sure every immigrant or minority child has been bullied at some point or another, but I feel like I got it a little worse than others. I have always had a loud voice, and a need for love, approval and attention from others. I was always the one to speak up and draw attention myself. There were many times where I felt that negative attention from others was preferred to being completely ignored, so in some perverse way I made myself a target. “The tall poppy gets cut”…they say, or “the nail that sticks out gets hammered down.” This kind of perverse victim mentality carried into college, where I chose to put myself into a very toxic situation in a Fraternity where every interaction was based on negativity and cutting others down. While most people are coming into full bloom, finding themselves and shedding their childhood during the college years, I was experiencing some of the worst bullying in my life. I guess it was some sort of self loathing that caused me to put myself in that situation.
So needless to say, I'm quite an introvert now. I have difficulty looking other people in the eye, and I never express what I am really thinking and feeling unless I know it's 100% safe. Unfortunately, introversion is NOT valued in a modern corporate environment, and it puts me in a negative feedback loop where I feel I get reprimanded (more bullying) about my introversion, which shuts me down even more.
The loss of freedom
This is something I just recently got some insight into, through a discussion with my fiancee. There is a strong collectivist dynamic, and sense of familial obligation in certain immigrant groups such as my own. I do not blame my parents, as they no doubt had to deal with the same issues, probably to a much greater degree. It is something that is so entrenched into the cultural consciousness, that it perpetuates itself from generation to generation. It manifests as a deep sense of guilt and a fear of not living up to expectations.
Parents are infallible. We invariably get most of our core beliefs from the truths we learn from them, which we take to be absolute. I have negative beliefs about money, success, and what constitutes a viable career path, which causes me to feel locked-in to a daily grind that brings me no fulfillment or joy. The internal conflict between what I 'have to do' and what I 'want to do', tears me up inside, and makes me feel like I am not free. This feeling of non-freedom is what I feel to be at the core of my depression.
I could never win an argument with my mother. No matter how much I would tantrum and complain, I knew that ultimately I would be on the losing end of any emotional conflict. This carries into my adult life, and every time I am given an order at work (all the time), it brings up great pain and resistance.
I'll wrap this up now since it's so long winded
For anyone who has read this far, thank you. I discovered EFT years ago, and have gone through phases of believing in it and not believing in it, but regardless have spent many hours 'tapping' on these issues. I do not feel like I ever hit that breakthrough, where my life fundamentally changed. Perhaps I have not gotten to the core issues, but I don't know. The method which I felt was most effective actually skipped the 'set-up phrase', and involved persistently tapping through the points throughout the day.
I've put maybe 5+ hours into PSTEC click tracks, focusing on the emotions that I feel at work which bother me the most. I've gone through some of these past traumas, but probably have not gone through and gotten them all to a '0'. I have even found times to sneak off during the work day, and to run the tracks on the stress I am feeling in the immediate moment. I have woken up early in the morning and run the track on the sense of dread and pit that I feel in my stomach. Both of these situations have brought me a degree of relief, but stress, anxiety, and unhappiness still persist. At this point I don't even care if my objective circumstances change, I just want to feel emotionally imperturbable and flow through the world…which sometimes feels like too much for me to handle.
Anyway, that's all for now. Thanks again for reading.August 14, 2014 at 8:54 pm#23484Jeff HardingPSTEC Pro and Forum Moderator
Mahalo for sharing, gobs…
True, gobs… writing things out can be therapeutic but, most times not in and of itself because it CAN merely become ranting/venting and that, again, in and of itself is limited in its therapeutic value… at least long term.
Now, where you can find more value in writing our your thoughts and feelings is reviewing what you write from a third party perspective… almost detached (which, in many ways the Click Tracks (CT) help you do in terms of emotions and feelings so that you can shift perceptions) … and see the patterns, emotional attachments and aversions along with limiting beliefs and behaviors (all aspects of the mind model).
Because in one's writing you can find the various aspects to target with your PSTEC Tools! Much of it is right there under your nose… or under your pencil.
First and foremost is your WILLINGNESS... are you willing to do whatever it takes? Not in terms of hard work and necessarily “tons of time” but in terms of priorities. Make your clearing work your priority… not to the detriment of work, relationships, personal care, etc.; but in terms of your free time; make it a priority. When you are WILLING to do that; then you will find more and more free time coming your way as you become more and more clear of reliving the same patterns… the past … over and over again.
So, I see some willingness here…
“I've put maybe 5+ hours into PSTEC click tracks, focusing on the emotions that I feel at work which bother me the most. I've gone through some of these past traumas, but probably have not gone through and gotten them all to a '0'. I have even found times to sneak off during the work day, and to run the tracks on the stress I am feeling in the immediate moment. I have woken up early in the morning and run the track on the sense of dread and pit that I feel in my stomach. Both of these situations have brought me a degree of relief, but stress, anxiety, and unhappiness still persist. At this point I don't even care if my objective circumstances change, I just want to feel emotionally imperturbable and flow through the world…which sometimes feels like too much for me to handle.”
Good job on getting started, but here are some adjustments to your approach:
1. Trust Tim and Tim's Tools.. you are not an exception that does not work. Yes, you have some unique perceptions… we all do … but the makeup of your mind model is similiar to everyone else. So, we are unique, but also not.
2. Be WILLING to CT ANYTHING that is not J.E.E.P.
3. Be WILLING to counter and shift ANY belief or behavior that is limiting your potential!
In other words, be more absolute in your approach and your progress will be more effective and move more quickly!
4. If need be get with a practitioner to help you get started on the right track, to hold you accountable and to help you over the “tougher spots” because you are worth the investment.
5. Be Kind and Patient with yourself … show the subconscious and conscious that you are serious by not deviating and consistently moving forward (even when you feel you are stuck).
So, you said…
“I have been desperately searching for some sort of practical information (maybe really looking for a quick-fix), to help grab control of my fragile emotional state and to turn my life around.”
Don't be desperate… feel the non-JEEP in that?
Desperate approaches bring desperate results.
Instead, be persistent and congruent in your intention. That does NOT mean inflexible in your approach, but be congruent with your intention of becoming free. So, as I said, be willing to do whatever it takes, but only if it moves in JEEP. If the motivation is fear, anger, desperation, etc.; think twice about it and clear the non-JEEP feelings and then move forward.
Be WILLING to take as long as it takes. If you have a list of 100 memories, be WILLING to march through and CT them to 0-1 (don't settle for less than getting them down to 0-1… “5” is better than “10” because it's progress, but it's not acceptable and not “done” until it's 0-1). Be WILLING to take them on and be done with them because infinite patience brings immediate results. If you are WILLING, then that list of 100 will shrink fast and, in my experience and others, you probably won't have to do them all anyway. BUT, only if you are WILLING to do them all.
And you thought your email was long!!!
Ok, let me wind this up and point out two main areas to approach with your PSTEC Tools. I segmented them into emotions and beliefs.
Emotions… these are handled with the CT's, EEF's and/or Accelerator Tapping Tracks (ATT):
I hate my job.
I've hated every job I've ever had.
stress of having to deal with and interact with other people
extreme discontent with my first job out of college
bullied at school
during the college years, I was experiencing some of the worst bullying in my life
I get reprimanded (more bullying) about my introversion
every time I am given an order at work (all the time), it brings up great pain and resistance.
sense of guilt and a fear of not living up to expectations
(note on this one… when you have a general feeling or thought like this; look for evidence that it's true… when did you experience this in life? Try and find a specific event for it; or events.)
Beliefs … these are handled with the PSTEC Positive (PP), PP Extra Power and/or Accelerator Tapping Tracks (ATT) … notice the limiting nature of each of these:
I can't foresee ever having a job that I would be happy at.
the perceived loss of freedom
my fragile emotional state
have always been extremely sensitive, enough so that all of the emotional trauma I have sustained has left me as a bruised and fragile shadow of the true potential which I know I have inside.
I have always had a loud voice
I have a need for love
I have a need for approval and attention from others
I felt that negative attention from others was preferred to being completely ignored, so in some perverse way I made myself a target
“The tall poppy gets cut”
“the nail that sticks out gets hammered down.”
I'm quite an introvert now
I have difficulty looking other people in the eye
I don't express what I am really thinking and feeling unless I know it's 100% safe
Parents are infallible
I have negative beliefs about money, success, and what constitutes a viable career path
feel like I am not free
I knew that ultimately I would be on the losing end of any emotional conflict.
Overall, use your current job as your laboratory of your mind (this is a great opportunity!)… let it expose the emotions ,beliefs and behaviors that are in the way of your True Potential…in the way of your moving forward… onward and upward! And, clear and shift those!!
And… as you do that … then observe and enjoy the transformation while you are there and any progress outside there as well as a new position and environment that matches your shift in perception.
JeffAugust 18, 2014 at 2:25 pm#23485gobsPSTEC User
Thanks you SO much for taking the time to write your very through and well thought-out reply.
You are absolutely correct about the ranting/venting aspect, and how this could have limited value in the long term. In fact, looking back at my original post a couple of days later, I can see that some of the things I talked about don't feel quite as true to me now that I am in a different headspace. Nevertheless, I am glad that I took the initiative to write the post, as it got things moving internally, and because it got me such a great reply from you.
Rest assured, I am going to take everything that you have told me here and apply it. I will also go through those emotions and beliefs systematically, while continuing to try and find any painful memories in my past and apply the CTs to them. I will have faith in the tools, and trust that I am not some special exception who is beyond hope.
Thanks again! It's time for me to get to work, and I think I'm finally fully convinced that these tools DO work. I will report back soon with my progress. I would definitely consider scheduling a couple of sessions with you in the future, once I do this groundwork, and get clear on my ultimate life goals and any possible roadblocks in the way.
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