Reply To: What order should I work on
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So I started to make more use of the click tracks. It's been kind of hard to get momentum going, my list of things to clear up numbered around 200 items most of them really serious. Many of them could be expanded to multiple issues and many multiple memories. Here's 10 to give you an idea, I've left out most of the worst stuff.
I was 18 and thought potentially my whole life was ruined
I lost my freedom
I was dehumanised
I was isolated
I was a complete failure
I hadn't had a single day of genuine happiness in my whole adult life(age 29)
I felt panic
I felt terror
I felt like a stranger in my own home
I didn't trust anyone
The list goes on and on, it's overwhelming. I wasn't able to really do it chronologically as it's hard to get the initiative to bring issues up. Plus different issues come to the fore everyday. So the way I've done it is whatever dark thoughts are on my mind, I'll just work on those. Initially it was very sporadic but the past couple of weeks I've started using them with more consistency.
Since I have so many issues my overall state is still very negative(which is a disincentive), but the click tracks do seem to help on each individual issue and I've now got a positive feedback loop in that every issue I've worked on has improved.
The last couple of times it has been very intense as I've really got in tune with my emotions. The emotions would increase during the click track, I'd tense up, start sobbing almost uncontrollably and feel a sharp pain in my head(like my brain is being overloaded/squeezed) but after a 1 or 2 run throughs it would dissipate. It felt reminiscent of the 'burn' after an intense workout, it felt a bit surreal, I felt a bit calm and relaxed, like my brain wanted to relax after the intense workout. That would last an hour or 2 which in itself is rewarding.
I had a couple of questions though. When running the click tracks how hard are you supposed to tap? When running anger related emotions I'd be banging my fingers against my thighs really hard. Should I do this to try to better keep in touch with the emotions or should I tap normally or even extra lightly to help send calming messages to my brain?
Also it can be harder to bring up the emotions deliberately, is it best to run the tracks when I am in an emotional state(which happens many hours everyday), or is it as effective to run them on tap?
The other thing is during the click tracks as I focus on my emotions I can get into a meditative state. Should I switch off my conscious mind and guide my sub so that it really tunes into the emotion or should I let my conscious mind try really hard to feel the emotion? With the former I sense a calmer but purer connection with the emotion, but with the latter my emotional state is more distressed during the click track…
Oh, and would it be a good idea to do a workout/meditate before running the click tracks to get into a more relaxed state?