Reply To: My ultimate fear: rejection
I'm glad to have a place to share. It's nice to feel like there is a place I can get some feedback/advice. In fact, I may need some.
I actually have been CTing on that kindergarten memory and I'm finding it very difficult. Yesterday morning, I decided to click on the memory. I really thought about what happened… The boy and I had been sitting together and of course, I was in love with him. Puppy love, maybe, but I wanted to be close to him. I had gotten up from my seat near him, I can't remember why, when another girl in the class took my spot. I asked her to give me my seat back but I remember her smirking and telling me no, I got up so I lost my spot. Of course, I started getting very upset about the whole situation. I remember crying and telling the teacher she took my spot, but the teacher didn't think it was a big deal. One thing that had a VERY strong reaction to was the fact the boy, his name was Michael, would not look at me when I was standing there crying. I had thoughts that I needed him to look at me, to acknowledge me, at least get up and move with me since she would not give me my seat back, but he didn't do those things.
It turned out to be a much more intensely charged memory than I thought. I sobbed while I was CTing and I thought I got the sadness and fear down to a 0. But this morning, the memory brought about strong feelings again, feelings that made me cry. I wasn't completely sure what I was still feeling about the situation… I tried to label the feelings. I was feeling completely rejected and the sadness came back to… Along with something I would call “stress” or “anxiousness”. I was able to click down the sadness and rejection down towards more like a two but I'm finding this memory still makes me feel tearful when I think about it! I definitely can't find myself feeling JEEP about this memory.
I'm not sure why I can't click this one down and why the tearfulness keeps coming back when I think about it. I would never have thought this one memory from kindergarten would make me feel this way so many years later! If I had to put this tearful feeling into words, or try to explain it, it feels… like hurt. Not exactly the same as sadness, not the same as fear, but as something deeply hurtful. I have no idea if that makes any sense. You'd think a feeling of hurt would intertwine with the sadness or the fear but it doesn't seem like it.
Should I just tap on this feeling I'm labeling as “hurt”? I'm not really sure what else I can do but after accessing and tapping on this memory, it's REALLY effecting me in a bad way.