My ultimate fear: rejection

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  • #22823
    AvatarPeter Bunyan
    PSTEC User

    Rhossie
    “Lack of Trust” and “Fear of Rejection” feels like they are related to me… possibly those incidents back in Kindergarden times???
    Peter

    #22824
    AvatarRhossie
    PSTEC User

    Rhossie
    “Lack of Trust” and “Fear of Rejection” feels like they are related to me… possibly those incidents back in Kindergarden times???
    Peter

    Sometimes it's hard to find how things are all interconnected in my head. I tapped on being rejected by my current boyfriend, I thought about a scene where he would reject me, tell me he didn't want to see me. I tapped it down to a 1. However, when I would think about asking him for support or asking him for something I need, the fear was still  between an 8-10. I didn't really get why that would be, if the thought of him rejecting me was really a 1 or 2 whenever I would question myself or think of a scene of him rejecting me somehow.

    I actually thought of something this morning when I came home to CT… My mom, even though I do love her very much, was an alcoholic through most of my life, until I was a teen. I was able to remember an incident when I came home from having a hard day at school and she was passed out drunk when I really felt like I needed her. At first I didn't think it was related to my trust issues but… I decided to trust what my mind was telling me and I really began to feel like, yes, in this incident I felt my trust and faith in having a parent to support me after a hard day had been violated. I didn't think it was something that bothered me, but when I really sat with it, I started sobbing before doing my clicking.

    I had both sadness and fear mixed into the memory, and I tapped on both. The numbers were pretty high too. 10 on the sadness and 8 on the fear. I got the sadness down to a 1 and the fear down to a 0! I'm very happy about that!

    I'm actually feeling a little more confident in myself, a little less stressed, and a bit more happy than I've been in days.

    I don't know if all my postings are making a lot of sense but I hope they're helpful to someone.

    #22825
    AvatarPeter Bunyan
    PSTEC User

    Rhossie
    Your openess and willingness to share such personal things are very humbling. I hope that it forms part of your healing process along with the clicking, helping you more able trust again.
    Peter

    #22826
    AvatarRhossie
    PSTEC User

    I'm glad to have a place to share. It's nice to feel like there is a place I can get some feedback/advice. In fact, I may need some.

    I actually have been CTing on that kindergarten memory and I'm finding it very difficult. Yesterday morning, I decided to click on the memory. I really thought about what happened… The boy and I had been sitting together and of course, I was in love with him. Puppy love, maybe, but I wanted to be close to him. I had gotten up from my seat near him, I can't remember why, when another girl in the class took my spot. I asked her to give me my seat back but I remember her smirking and telling me no, I got up so I lost my spot. Of course, I started getting very upset about the whole situation. I remember crying and telling the teacher she took my spot, but the teacher didn't think it was a big deal. One thing that had a VERY strong reaction to was the fact the boy, his name was Michael, would not look at me when I was standing there crying. I had thoughts that I needed him to look at me, to acknowledge me, at least get up and move with me since she would not give me my seat back, but he didn't do those things.

    It turned out to be a much more intensely charged memory than I thought. I sobbed while I was CTing and I thought I got the sadness and fear down to a 0. But this morning, the memory brought about strong feelings again, feelings that made me cry. I wasn't completely sure what I was still feeling about the situation… I tried to label the feelings. I was feeling completely rejected and the sadness came back to… Along with something I would call “stress” or “anxiousness”. I was able to click down the sadness and rejection down towards more like a two but I'm finding this memory still makes me feel tearful when I think about it! I definitely can't find myself feeling JEEP about this memory.

    I'm not sure why I can't click this one down and why the tearfulness keeps coming back when I think about it. I would never have thought this one memory from kindergarten would make me feel this way so many years later! If I had to put this tearful feeling into words, or try to explain it, it feels… like hurt. Not exactly the same as sadness, not the same as fear, but as something deeply hurtful. I have no idea if that makes any sense. You'd think a feeling of hurt would intertwine with the sadness or the fear but it doesn't seem like it.

    Should I just tap on this feeling I'm labeling as “hurt”? I'm not really sure what else I can do but after accessing and tapping on this memory, it's REALLY effecting me in a bad way.

    #22827
    AvatarPeter Bunyan
    PSTEC User

    Rhossie
    I feel that the answer is to keep CTing that memory, but you need to be guided by your own intuition about this. CTing is not a punishment or even a chore, do it when you feel ready, take a break for a few days if that feels right for you, there is no rush to change. You are doing it because you want to. This is such a powerful memory for you it might just take more time to separate it from all those non-JEEP emotions. But it will happen because you have already confirmed for yourself that PSTEC works. Also the work that you have done so far shows that you are seeking to change yourself for the better. Your sub-concious is only trying to protect you by hanging on to these feelings, but you need it to let you in, and not keep hammering  away at the door demanding entrance.

    Mix up your use of Click Tracks 1 for 2 and 4 for 3.

    Because I do not know your financial situation I hesitate to suggest purchasing the Accelerator package, but these tracks might also be helpful to you.
    Regards
    Peter

    #22828
    AvatarRhossie
    PSTEC User

    Rhossie
    I feel that the answer is to keep CTing that memory, but you need to be guided by your own intuition about this. CTing is not a punishment or even a chore, do it when you feel ready, take a break for a few days if that feels right for you, there is no rush to change. You are doing it because you want to. This is such a powerful memory for you it might just take more time to separate it from all those non-JEEP emotions. But it will happen because you have already confirmed for yourself that PSTEC works. Also the work that you have done so far shows that you are seeking to change yourself for the better. Your sub-concious is only trying to protect you by hanging on to these feelings, but you need it to let you in, and not keep hammering  away at the door demanding entrance.

    Mix up your use of Click Tracks 1 for 2 and 4 for 3.

    Because I do not know your financial situation I hesitate to suggest purchasing the Accelerator package, but these tracks might also be helpful to you.
    Regards
    Peter

    I'm just shocked at how deeply this memory has effected me. Just now I got a little bit of insight from a bit of the memory I mentioned. I tapped on the memory of Micheal not looking at me as I cried or moving to comfort me, but I didn't tap on the fact that even the teacher dismissed how upset I was. I remember her basically acting like I was making a big deal over nothing, but it certainly wasn't nothing to me. She had me move off to a table by myself and while she did sit with me while I cried, I definitely remember her acting like I was being silly over an incident that should not have been that big of a deal.

    As an adult, I can see why she'd feel that way with my logical brain. But I know my sub is screaming, “THIS WAS A BIG DEAL TO ME NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SEEMED TO HER!”

    And I realized this is a PATTERN that has repeated through out my life! I feel like my friends and family dismiss my concerned feelings all the time.

    When I've had discussions with my friend Jay over my current problems with my boyfriend, he basically told me, “You're making a big deal over nothing.”

    And even that laundry incident I mentioned a few posts up, when I felt like my boyfriend at the time was taking a stranger's side over mine… He told me I was being overly emotional, making a big deal over nothing.

    It takes me back to that teacher and how she dismissed how hurt I was about the situation with Michael.

    I don't think my teacher or my friends were dismissive on purpose, but it still really HURTS. I think that's why that hurt feeling is still connected to that memory because having my feelings dismissed is PAINFUL. It feels like a form of rejection.

    I think you mentioned a few posts up that the “lack of trust” and “fear of rejection” could be related to the kindergarten incident and I think you hit the nail on the head.

    #22829
    AvatarPeter Bunyan
    PSTEC User

    Rhossie
    Using just long range empathy and reading between the lines of your posts, I might be wrong, but it seems to me that prior to the kindergarten incident there might have been some other incidents that had lesser impact on you. These lesser incidents might not even be able to be recalled by you. However things built up to the explosion of emotions that you have remembered so clearly. My impression is that they were probably something to do with your parents and you not getting the support and love that you needed at the time, but more put-downs and put-offs, which to you felt like rejection. Does any of this feel right to you? If so… more things to Click on. If not, apologies for this “red herring”.
    Peter

    #22830
    AvatarRhossie
    PSTEC User

    Rhossie
    Using just long range empathy and reading between the lines of your posts, I might be wrong, but it seems to me that prior to the kindergarten incident there might have been some other incidents that had lesser impact on you. These lesser incidents might not even be able to be recalled by you. However things built up to the explosion of emotions that you have remembered so clearly. My impression is that they were probably something to do with your parents and you not getting the support and love that you needed at the time, but more put-downs and put-offs, which to you felt like rejection. Does any of this feel right to you? If so… more things to Click on. If not, apologies for this “red herring”.
    Peter

    I actually did recall a memory of when I was young. I don't know if it was a dream or not, but I remember I was small enough to be in my crib, so I was maybe a toddler? I was laying in the crib and for some reason, no one else was in the house. I was scared and sad because no one was coming for me even though I was crying. I did CT on this memory and I got the intensity down from like a 9 to a 2. It was a mix of fear and sadness.

    I have other little snips of memories like that actually. I remember an unrelated incident of being pleased about finding a way to get OUT of the crib so I could go find my mom, but I don't remember what happened once I got myself out and onto the floor.

    I feel like a lot of stress has been lifted off of my shoulders since CTing on some these incidents but now I'm finding the fear and stress is being replaced by sadness and really negative self-talk. I just have a voice in my head that tells me how flat out horrible, disgusting,  and despicable I am. My friends are always telling me how sweet and beautiful I am but I just get the thought in my head that they're lying to me, even though it makes no sense for my friends to lie to me about how they feel about me.

    I'm actually having a hard time with finding things to CT on when I ask myself, “Well, what other moments in my life made me feel these things?” and my brain seems to respond, “There's too many times, there's too much!” and I just sit and cry instead because I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy with myself.

    #22831
    AvatarPeter Bunyan
    PSTEC User

    Hi Rhossie
    The father in me wants to give you a big hug, the professional therapist says that it might not be appropriate. But hey!  Since we are on opposite sides of the atlantic, just imagine that I have. ;D

    Feeling overwhelmed might just be another thing to CT on.
    You cannot change the past only the way you feel about it. Can you now look back and say to your self “OK that was the way it was, but that was then, now I want to focus on the now and look forward to a brighter future”. If you can, then job done! Can you do that yet?
    You do not need anything to be happy, it is not dependant on getting or achieving anything. it is more of a way of looking at the world, glass half full, not half empty. You already have cleared away a lot of emotional drag-weights, that is something in itself to be pleased and happy about.
    The fact that you notice your own self-talk means that you can change it, you can talk back. First notice the negative talk then  put it on hold; “hey hold on there, I don't want that, I want to be happy, I choose to be happy” Remember a time when you were happy even if it was only briefly,  feel that time again, then “I was happy, I can be happy again”.
    Hope you get what I am on about.
    Since this is the PSTEC Forum, do you have the Positive or Level 1 package that includes the Positive? If you haven't then you might find it helpful at this stage.
    Peter

    #22832
    AvatarRhossie
    PSTEC User

    Hi Peter, thank you for that nice thought. :) I do appreciate it!

    I'm having a hard time making enough time to CT on everything I want. I have my work, and I want to spend time with my friends and my boyfriend too. I think it was contributing to my feelings of overwhelm.

    I feel like I also put other people's needs above mine which is making it hard to put time aside to CT.  That's not a good thing because I know no one else can take care of me other than ME! I can get assistance but ultimately it's up to me to use the tools and guidance to help myself.

    I definitely still have things in the past that I need to let go of so I can move forward. My friends who know I've been having a hard time lately have said the same things you've said Peter, “You can choose to be happy now no matter what!” but a lot of times I feel like I don't even KNOW how to be happy so I have no choice. However I know that's not true! I can remember being happy while watching certain movies, or playing certain video games, or spending time with certain people. I know it makes no logical sense but that's what it is.

    However, I'm still trying to tell myself, when I start to get down, “This isn't helping me and I would rather think of happy thoughts instead!”

    I do have the Level 1 package with the positive tracks. I was unsure if I was ready to start using it and also I'm just not sure about how to word positive statements. I'd like to put out a suggestion to my mind to believe in the nice words my friends say to me. Or to be able to make some progress in putting my own needs first. Or even better, a statement to just love myself, so I can generate love for myself without having to always get outside reinforcements. I deeply feel like if I was able to do that, SO many of my current problems would be easier to deal with! I've felt like that for a long time, even before PSTEC, but I couldn't figure out how I could change my negative thoughts and beliefs. Thinking about using PSTEC Positive makes me feel happy and hopeful that I can do just that. :D

    Would a statement for giving myself some love be something simple like this?:

    “Starting right now, I will fully love myself with kindness and compassion.”

    Or would it be better if I just try to start with getting myself to think happier thoughts like:

    “I can let happy thoughts easily pop into my mind at any time.”

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