Reply To: My ultimate fear: rejection
I feel that the answer is to keep CTing that memory, but you need to be guided by your own intuition about this. CTing is not a punishment or even a chore, do it when you feel ready, take a break for a few days if that feels right for you, there is no rush to change. You are doing it because you want to. This is such a powerful memory for you it might just take more time to separate it from all those non-JEEP emotions. But it will happen because you have already confirmed for yourself that PSTEC works. Also the work that you have done so far shows that you are seeking to change yourself for the better. Your sub-concious is only trying to protect you by hanging on to these feelings, but you need it to let you in, and not keep hammering away at the door demanding entrance.
Mix up your use of Click Tracks 1 for 2 and 4 for 3.
Because I do not know your financial situation I hesitate to suggest purchasing the Accelerator package, but these tracks might also be helpful to you.
I'm just shocked at how deeply this memory has effected me. Just now I got a little bit of insight from a bit of the memory I mentioned. I tapped on the memory of Micheal not looking at me as I cried or moving to comfort me, but I didn't tap on the fact that even the teacher dismissed how upset I was. I remember her basically acting like I was making a big deal over nothing, but it certainly wasn't nothing to me. She had me move off to a table by myself and while she did sit with me while I cried, I definitely remember her acting like I was being silly over an incident that should not have been that big of a deal.
As an adult, I can see why she'd feel that way with my logical brain. But I know my sub is screaming, “THIS WAS A BIG DEAL TO ME NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SEEMED TO HER!”
And I realized this is a PATTERN that has repeated through out my life! I feel like my friends and family dismiss my concerned feelings all the time.
When I've had discussions with my friend Jay over my current problems with my boyfriend, he basically told me, “You're making a big deal over nothing.”
And even that laundry incident I mentioned a few posts up, when I felt like my boyfriend at the time was taking a stranger's side over mine… He told me I was being overly emotional, making a big deal over nothing.
It takes me back to that teacher and how she dismissed how hurt I was about the situation with Michael.
I don't think my teacher or my friends were dismissive on purpose, but it still really HURTS. I think that's why that hurt feeling is still connected to that memory because having my feelings dismissed is PAINFUL. It feels like a form of rejection.
I think you mentioned a few posts up that the “lack of trust” and “fear of rejection” could be related to the kindergarten incident and I think you hit the nail on the head.