Reply To: My ultimate fear: rejection
I'm starting to get a bit overwhelmed again. The past several days have been tough. There are people in my life who are trying to help me out. They feel like I'm being manipulated by the guy I'm currently with, that he's playing mind games with me because he also has a low sense of self-worth. And they also think I need to pursue conventional therapy. I know they care about me and want me to be happy, but I feel like they've made my mindset WORSE instead of better.
They kept asking me if I think I deserved to not have a good relationship and they also believe that the guy I'm with sees me as not being worthy, and again, that belief I talked about previously came up. And the negative self-talk came up very VERY strongly, in a way that it hasn't in a long time. A lot of with, “I hate myself, my parents did not treat me well so they must hate me too, I've been treated badly by former friends and lovers so I should hate myself.”
I'm feeling frustrated that there's still so much garbage sitting in my way. I feel like PSTEC works and I'm kind of sad my friends seem to think that I haven't made any progress. I think maybe to someone on the outside, since I still do have a very low sense of self worth, that it looks like I haven't made any progress.
I feel like I'm spinning on my wheels though. The self-hatred is very very intense, and I know it's always been there on some level. I'm trying to find memories that feed into the self-hatred, the worst ones. There seems to be several. Not measuring up to my dad's standards, some nasty experiences with teachers in school, physical abuse from my sibling, bullying from other kids even.
It just sucks that I seem to have such a long road ahead. I have a feeling my relationship with the guy I'm with is going to fall apart because of my own issues. And my friends who have been trying to be helpful ended up triggering some serious destructive self-talk instead of making me feel empowered.
I guess I should thank them for giving me something to Click Track on at least. I'm really not liking how I'm feeling right now however.