Reply To: Questions about PSTEC applications
Hi Jeff, thanks to your responses I've had a major breakthrough – I've realized that I feel/believe that it's my fault for every relationship that has went sour because of something I did or said.
It's also interesting because, I'm actually a very level headed person and when I do over react, its so rare that any reasonable person would assume its a rare thing. But all the guys I tend to attract directly/indirectly blame me for things not working out and I carry around that belief that I always mess everything up… so I guess I tend to attract guys who are super judgmental and disappear after a single mistake, while completely ignoring months and months of all the positive things I've brought into their lives.
And of course it takes me forever to get over the guy and the relationship because I just want someone to finally be like, “you're okay”.
So I think this belief comes from my parents because they never knew how to deal with my negative feelings, so whenever something bad happened, instead of comforting me, they took out their own un-comfort of seeing me in pain by yelling at me and blaming me for upsetting THEM – so now only do I feel bad for my own reasons, I feel even worse because I've gone and upset my caretakers without whom I would starve to death… that's quiet a lot for an 8 year old to handle! And of course, they'd always make me apologize and promise to never do it again, and when I was younger I did it because I had to, and now that I'm older, I do it because I know it's the “right” thing to do So relationship = guilt, forced apologies, starvation and death?? No wonder I always pick guys who think I'm perfect until I'm not and then just disappear!
My question is, since my parents have always been like this, and while I remember a few particular incidences, I'm sure it goes back to even before I even have memories, how do I go about CC'ing this? Can I just ask my sub to put all of those memories I remember and don't remember into one overarching memory or image of my parents and deal with it that way.. and how would I do that?
Also, I'm not sure how to create a PP statement for this. Before I thought that I think don't deserve a relationship, now I realize that I actually do deserve a relationship – I just “know” that its not going to work out because someway I'll mess it up and the person won't forgive me. Would it be “I accept myself.. ” or “I deserve to be forgiven…”?