Forum Case Study – Avoidant Personality Disorder APD

Hi Brian,

First, a general thanks for all your contributions on the forums: your responses resonate with me across various topics, and I have found a huge amount of valuable help in your insights, along with numerous other contributors of course.

I have chosen to participate in this case study, although I have not actually been diagnosed with AvPD by anyone, I certainly exhibit the key conflicts you describe, and I feel strongly compelled to seek help here. I hope perhaps that I can be included, I sense it would be extremely beneficial to me (and my family!), and, hopefully, to you also in your case study as proof of concept.

I have read about AvPD, and I feel strongly that it describes with great accuracy myself and one of my, if not my primary, mode of operating and “managing” my way in the world. One with frankly disastrous consequences. I am also aware that I also have signs of other personality disorders, I´m sure you'll see those evidently. I just want to get free from

Some briefs points about me:

– I yearn for social interaction, but I´m incredibly uncomfortable in social situations. I sweat profusely as a stress response any time I´m in public

– I´m very socially perceptive, perhaps from so much time observing rather than participating, but I will never approach anyone, even when it is painfully clear that they want to interact with me

– I´m actually a great conversationalist, and I love talking to people, but I only really speak to people if I´m sure they like me, and if they talk to me first

– When I do start talking to people, if we build some good rapport initially, I never let them closer

– When pushed, I can step up and lead a group conversation, and manage it well… for a bit, and then I get back in my shell asap and end up with the feeling that people just think I´m super weird, or rude, or I don't know what

– People generally like me very much on first impressions… I´m great at that first impression, providing I have the energy and desire to make the effort and put on the show, but I have consistently got very quickly to a point of making excuses (often “real” – e.g. “I can't afford it”, “I have kids I can't”, etc) and killing any potential relationship

– I have successfully alienated every friend I ever had to be honest

– I feel lonely almost all of the time, even when I´m with my wife and children, or at large events or gatherings… I just want to get away

– I have a number of excuses I give myself eg at work, even at sanctified social times and events, my attitude is always “work is work”, and I get angry or upset or bitter about people not working and having fun and talking

– While I know I have the skills and ability to be social, I also know that those were the result of using various hypnosis tapes more than a decade ago in an attempt to treat the symptoms of much deeper problems. The result is that I avoid social contact wherever possible… and I desperately want more social interaction, desperately want to be part of a community, desperately want to share myself, and yet I generally end up acting in such a way that, sooner or later, people always become hostile towards me, or at best think I´m weird

– Really, to be honest, I really am pretty weird. I´m 80% extreme extrovert, ridiculously anxious about even going out in public, but I guess I´m “high-functioning”

Ok, not so brief, and yet… there's so much more, I really don't know what to say! I think an important thing to mention is that I, almost daily for as long as I remember, go out in public because I love being around people but I always do so in a way that I won't have to deal with others, but I get some validation or attention or interaction, eg:

-go to a cafe with my notebook, drink way too much coffee and write feverishly (I´m a writer), totally aloof, while desperate for someone to talk to me, and terrified that they will.

-ride my bike along the boardwalk so I´m around people but I don't have to talk with them

-go to the gym for hours but avoid eye contact and if anyone tries to talk to me tell them I “have to get back to my workout”, despite wishing I could just go and talk to people

I look forward to hearing back from you, and to working through any suggestions you have for me.

Thank you so much for your time, and I understand if I am not a good candidate – I think I clearly have more than just AvPD going on, and perhaps that's not helpful for the case study.

James

I do have one question for you. Have you ever felt like a fake, phone, fraud or an “impostor”? That if others knew who you really were they would reject you and even abandon you?

Yes, absolutely, you're describing my whole life. It's crippling.

An example: I've been internationally certified as a personal trainer for nearly a year now. There's a large fitness community here, including international level leaders / world champions in both the training world and the bodybuilding world (former Mr Olympias, current GB Olympic team member) who know / support me and tell me I would be amazing at it. The training institute that I certified with kept telling me they've never seen someone so ready to just ” start now and be super successful” – they even asked me to come back to the course 6 months later as a paid instructor to teach others. I had the opportunity to work for one of the biggest name international gyms in the world, a 5 minute bicycle ride from where I live…

I haven't taken a single client. I'm absolutely terrified I'll be “found out” as a fraud, imposter, etc – despite so much support and opportunity. I avoided it all, and now am stuck in a desk job working for a company who are literally just a bunch of crooks and scammers and I hate it, but I have no other option, and I need the money to support my family and pay off a very large amount of debt… Again (I worked in the oil industry for 3 years and cleared many 10s of 1000s already, only to get myself back to the same level less than 4 years later)

Wow that sucks to summarize in public!

Wow.
Thank you for posting about all of this. I can deeply relate to you, you have guts and courage to share your deepest insecurities and i honestly commend you for it. IF this is who you truly are, than you are a much better person than you think, because as i said before standing up and dishing it out like that takes great strength, a strength you clearly have.
Not only have you noticed your flaws, you have owned them, and now you have taken the conscious decision to become a better person by overcoming those flaws, so fair play to you.
Look forward to hear about your progress with this.
P.s
I think this a great idea brian! 

James firstly I'd like to express my sincere gratitude for your openness courage and massive heart. Taking responsibility for my life was a long tough road I blamed my parents for years and lost some great relationships pushing away friends and women who loved me for who I was. My big two I feel were not feeling enough or good enough and also not thinking I was actually loveable. Subconsciously of course after breaking down the layers. This is nothing short of inspiring bro good for you and best of luck. “You can do it”

Brian I'd love to be involved I can totally relate to a lot of these things and although never labeled by a professional I could easily be associated with some of these patterns.

Hi James and Ed,

Thank you so much for contributing and for sharing your stories.

Thank you also to Brian for putting this together and for giving so freely of his time and knowledge. You are all in very good hands.

I appreciate how honest you both are. It is not always easy to identify with anything that might be deemed as a vulnerability but, I assure you both, there is a real strength in vulnerability. Vulnerability, as far as I see it, is just a label to describe the effects of “no longer settling.”  That can feel unsettling, but you are worth it.

We can get into patterns of denial, distraction and repression. In facf, it is common.

Thank you, James, for being so courageous to own this. I know that your honesty has and will inspire many others. It is a great example. The time is right for you, I sense. You will get this handled.

So much appreciation goes for Brian as well. As many of you will know, Brian has shared so much over the years and I know that has helped so many people see what is possible.

There is ALWAYS a way.

I am really looking forward to reading about the progress you all make.

Paul