Tangled web, where to start?

[diamondgoddess!PSTEC User]

Hey oz!

This may boil down to a fundamental difference in perception and semantics.  (Plus the fact that I am projecting, too!  LOL!!!  )

ANY money I get activates the old fear.  It feels “better” if I make my own money because I am in my power and proving that I am able to “get more”.  (This somewhat mitigates the “freeze response”.)  But earnings activate me too, any kind of “having more” does it.  I think I am safer if I have less.  The PTSD about money comes from my dad drunkenly yelling about money, and withholding it as control.

It's ALWAYS about my ability to “get more” and whether that is OK, safe, etc., or not.  I protected myself from the yelling and deprivation by freezing and having less.

And I realize, as an adult, that some people DON'T like others' success, but who cares about them? 

In my world, my success is my destiny.  I am working through this stuff so I can get back to succeeding as I already have…and even more!    I am NOT living my potential lately.  (It's NOT that “I am worthless” [literally!} without the $$$ and stuff; it's that I have too much going for me to not do well in life.  It's a given in my mind.)  Plus, just the basic survival issues of being able to take care of myself as an adult.

I basically think it's safer for me to stay frozen and “have less”, but that's hardly who I really am.

(The “having more or less” are not hard numbers, it's an emotional thing that I understand.)

I certainly had great shifts all day in feeling more abundant today, yay!

Thanks, oz!!!
DG!

[Peter BunyanPSTEC User]

Hi DG
Working by open forum means we have information gaps which have to be filled in with intuition, empathy and downright guesswork. This leaves us prone to erroneous ways of thinking. So please forgive us for any upset.

Anger with your Father/parents is emotional baggage dragging you back. If you cannot CT this away because it brings on symptoms, then forgiveness is the “back door” approach. It works in much the same way as gratitude in “wealth of abundance” in that you cannot hold two opposing emotions at the same time. If you are grateful for what you have, you cannot have the fear of lack of things. If you have forgiveness then you cannot feel anger.
This can as they say be a “big ask”. Positives can help here. You cannot think “I will not/am not angry with him” it will not be received by the subconscious as positive. It would have to be more like “I would like to be able to forgive him” progressing to ” I might be able to” to ” I will be able to” to I can now forgive”. This way should give you progress without any “symptoms” although it might take time.
Peter

[ozPSTEC User]

HI DG, glad to hear things are starting to go in a positive direction again

As Peter says there are information gaps, we have only what you posted to go on. When you look for the unknown you invariably end up reaching

On the brightside it's worked, your latest post clarifies a lot and especially helps narrow the scope of the issues. Clearly the abuse from your father is at the core of things. It's kinda like if someone has their heart broken, they'll be afraid to fall in love again in case they have to go through heartbreak again. So now you are afraid to get more in case you have to go through the process of loss again.

There is a smaller secondary issue. When you say “I have too much going for me to not do well in life” you are being a bit hard on yourself. You might have a lot going for you, but you also have PTSD. There's also a possibility that because you were financially abused and deprived, your mind model overcompensates and artificially increases your desire to succeed. Everyone for example has basic survival issues, yours may be aggravated by the abuse.

There's a big contradiction between staying safe and having less, and fulfilling your potential and having more. That contradiction creates tension and could well aggravate your PTSD.  I'm not saying change your belief that you should aim to succeed. But you can lessen the emotional charge. If you click away your fear of jumping off a cliff for example, you won't then jump off a cliff because you know it's bad for you even if you don't feel anything. Same thing, if you click away your fear of achieving or your disappointment of not fulfilling your potential, doesn't mean you'll aim to achieve less because you still know achieving is a good thing.

Be kinder to youself. If you go to an acting class it won't directly get you plenty, but it is still part of living your potential. Same thing with the clicking and battle against PTSD, it won't directly get you plenty but it is still part of living your potential.

In terms of strategy, here's some basic ideas off the top of my head, Peter and others are better to ask for more advanced ideas

With your father click on the earliest negative memory and neutralise the charge. Then once that is done click again but this time try as hard as possible to focus on the memory. If it's an image/video really zoom in and try to see every aspect in detail and listen to the voice in detail. The track will scramble the memory so it will further lose it's power.

Also, and maybe this is obvious, but click on your dad yelling you. Not that he's yelling at you about money, but just that he's yelling at you. Really focus in on that moment when he's yelling at you and it's distressing you the most.

And of course imagined events. Think of losing everything at some point in the future and click that away. Maybe even bring your father into it, where he comes right in your face and yells at you worse than ever and takes EVERYTHING from you.

[diamondgoddess!PSTEC User]

Oh, MANY continued thanks, Peter and oz!!!

Thanks also for the opportunity to look at MY projections. 

And yes, Peter, forgiveness may be the “missing piece” here  at this point, along with clicking on the fear of consequences of my abundance.

The thing that has been interesting to me from the beginning about my PSTEC journey is that I was getting these amazing shifts initially in clicking on specific events of “Dad yelling”, specific things “Dad said about money”, etc.  I could get them to a 0-1 pretty quickly.  BUT there was STILL a lot of “residual PTSD tension” in my jaw, tongue, upper body, etc.

Do I need to go back and re-click this stuff again?

There was always a split from the beginning between how fast I can reduce the intensity of the specifics, and this lingering tension that remains.

Just like I had wonderful shifts yesterday, and today, not so much!  (LOL!!!)

And yes, I have wondered if I am too hard on myself, ambition-wise;  but I have Capricorn Sun at the Midheaven and Taurus Rising, so success really IS “my birthright”  *wink* .  oz, your thoughts on this about dealing with the fear of success AND failure are very good!  Finding a loving balance with it wouldn't diminish my abilities or results, AT ALL, and I see that now, thank you!  (Maybe this “downtime” is an opportunity to “love myself anyway” regardless of career and $$$ more.)  It could free up some energy for my goals.

I have an interview for a photo shoot on Friday (yay! ) and I totally get the idea that if you “throw enough paint at the wall. some will stick”.  It is a mystery how the Universe works, and just showing up doesn't guarantee being hired, but it is energy in the direction of my goals.  Just like you said, oz, that PSTEC is part of this, maybe not directly.

(BTW–at some point a few years ago, auditioning got really easy and fun for me to do!  LOL!!!  Not scary at all.  I don't give my power away to them.  So much for PTSD, lol.  Interesting paradox!)

I also need to take into account the economy and the fact that I needed a rest after an incredible career/$$$ expansion before the recession.

THANK YOU!!!  I REALLY appreciate it!
XXXOOO!
DG!

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