Fear of confrontation – Help needed – My Journey with PSTEC
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- May 9, 2017 at 2:17 am#24673Brian TuckerPSTEC User
Just a quick follow up to my last post. I discovered I had some anger in me and I decided to explore it what I discovered was:
I had a massive program that I had completely forgotten about with feelings related to “no one respects me” I removed that completely. It went back to many episodes with my father and stepmother as a teenager. This weekend I had a two day spell of nearly unbearable shifting and releasing. Now that it has cleared I cannot believe how much different I feel. This belief and feelings were close to “not good enough” but as you can see that was just a part of the root feelings.
I also realized that I had a big issue with my kids and my wife not respecting me. Right in front of my face! The point is, the way I was behaving based on my program was causing me to project myself in a way that made me feel like I was being disrespected when in all reality they weren't! As humans we have this need to be respected when in all reality we should have no expectation anyone will respect us we should only need to respect ourselves.
The second bit of anger I realized was between myself and my oldest daughter. It went back to fighting with my brother. I was just replaying my program with my daughter when we would get in small arguments. It's all gone now and she is acting completely different around me.
The third one was around feeling angry which turned into hurt when I perceive that someone was not taking help from me. This also is gone and made a massive difference.
Also during this time of releasing over two days, so many random past experiences came into mind as I was just going through everyday life and as each one would pop into my mind the feelings associated with it would instantly disappear.
I really feel like I have worked my way down to the very core of what was eating at me for such a long time.
It seems like I still have a little bit of “inner struggle” with passivity going on in me and I am going to explore that next because the victim and helplessness/powerless made a huge difference.May 11, 2017 at 12:25 pm#24674Brian TuckerPSTEC User
For decades I sometimes have strong feelings of “overwhelm” that can bring king kong to his knees. I noticed this occurs when there is some sort of inner conflict going on in me where self wants to do the right thing, my childhood environment programs tell me to be passive, powerless or helpless and ego is clobbering me for thinking and feeling this way. Then I stay stuck or frozen and/or then I give up and feel defeated. Then ego beats me up for that. It is a huge inner conflict of passivity that causes and excruciating amount of pain. Yesterday I removed the feelings of inner conflict, passivity and helplessness. All went back to childhood and feeling trapped in all sorts of ways. All of the thoughts and feelings of inner struggle and overwhelm are completely gone today as if they never happened or existed.
I also had a very strong “pain” at the base of my neck for many months that would come and go. It was very strong and debilitating. Explored this and it led to unlocking 30 years of hangover pain and during the 45 minutes of clearing, twice I had to stop because I felt I might be sick. None of it was real, just stored memories and feelings in the subconscious of all those years of creating more pain to cover up pain. How painful and draining to carry that around day in and out. I also used to get exhausted at certain times during the day and as a result that is gone now.
Last week I was at a party and noticed an awkward feeling, then a few days later when meeting some people had some similar feelings and began to lose interest in the conversation and felt myself wanting to leave. This has been a normal pattern for me all my life. Some call it ADHD. Um, no. Again explored these two feelings and unlocked all of the negative memories and emotions from four years of high school and watched them fade into oblivion.
My subconscious the led me to realizing that all of my social interactions are just a replay of the experiences, behaviors and conditioning from high school which were repeated in college and then adulthood. I further saw on a massive scale how I was behaving in my work environment not only as a “rebel” from my childhood home environment but also as I used to be in high school both socially and in the classroom. Insecure aka will I fail this class (silly, I never failed a class), disrupting and irritation to the class and teacher, didn't feel accepted, always clowning with people. Not that it was to that extreme in the present (to the mirrors it may have been) but the behaviors and subconscious messages and energy were clearly there and transmitting to attract and shape my reality.
This is all so obvious and right in front of my face the whole time and each time I was just shaking my head laughing at all of it. All gone now.
So grateful to see and be free of this.
Thank you.May 11, 2017 at 2:20 pm#24675Tomas ZobalPSTEC User
For decades I sometimes have strong feelings of “overwhelm” that can bring king kong to his knees. I noticed this occurs when there is some sort of inner conflict going on in me where self wants to do the right thing, my childhood environment programs tell me to be passive, powerless or helpless and ego is clobbering me for thinking and feeling this way. Then I stay stuck or frozen and/or then I give up and feel defeated. Then ego beats me up for that. It is a huge inner conflict of passivity that causes and excruciating amount of pain.
I can totally relate to this. Great to see you were able to resolve this pattern.May 11, 2017 at 2:51 pm#24676Brian TuckerPSTEC User
I just ran another session on some more inner passivity that came in and now I have been prompted to clear the feelings of being “trapped” WOW. This is such a close feeling to helplessness and powerlessness but not the same. This was absolutely from living in a chaotic childhood environment I felt I couldn't escape and being in a small town as a kid and feeling like I would never get out. I now see how I have been living this “trapped” pattern across my whole life all these years.
As I was working on this, my sub also revealed a massive program of “I am a wussy” as if a bully says it to you being a whimp or making fun of you for not having the courage to say what you feel, another type of passivity. This is a very distinct emotion and this was a big feeling in me. SO AWESOME!May 12, 2017 at 12:51 pm#24677Paul McCabePSTEC Pro and Forum Moderator
Great stuff, Plus1g.
I am sure others are finding your journey very instructive and helpful.
A lot of modalities insist that the past is inconsequential. We could accept that on a conscious level, but the past leaves clues and unresolved issues from the past can very much impact us today.
So, I would contend that we do need to “go back there”, clear it up and reap the rewards now and in the future.
Well done for being so persistent and showing others how deep you can go with this.
Paul McCabe – PSTEC Master Practitioner
Please contact me anytime if you want any assistance in utilising PSTEC to help you live a life of tremendous freedom & possibility.
Recreate yourself with PSTEC.
Skype, Zoom, in-person & phone sessions available…May 19, 2017 at 6:13 pm#24678Brian TuckerPSTEC User
I have done some more CT sessions on inner-passivity and I cannot believe the difference this is making! I also CT defensiveness which of course turned into feelings of criticism. Also feelings of uncertainty, I don't know, not really sure and “I don't know what to do” WOW WOW WOW
I really ran across a gem on inner-passivity and how it runs at the core of the psyche http://whywesuffer.com and I also picked up one of the books there The Phantom of the Psyche: Freeing Ourself from Inner Passivity – These two resources are AMAZING and showed me some major areas to really knock the cover off the ball. I plan to read all his books and apply CT to where I can see it in myself.
I also noticed that my procrastination was actually feelings of dread. I ran a 2015 wrapper of every dreadful thing I could possibly conjure up and then ran a 2015 long on it, then an accelerator, then another long as usual finished with a short relaxing accelerator and my nightly long accelerator at bedtime. Came back the next day and it was nearly gone so I again ran the wrapper and did the same long, accelerator, long and today I can't bring up dread if I wanted to it no longer exists and the procrastination is GONE completely gone after decades of being enslaved to that like climbing mt everest with an elephant on my back day in and out.
Just finished my 38th day of No More Anxiety HOLY COW, update here. http://pstecforum.com/pf/social-anxiety/no-more-anxiety/msg3624/#msg3624
This morning I realized I have not felt like this since I graduated high school and that was exactly 30 years ago. I feel amazing.May 20, 2017 at 7:25 am#24679kuteguyPSTEC User
Thanks plus1g for always posting deep informative info. It's a real inspiration to me towards my healing journey. I go through your posts all the time for tips and tricks. And also to believe in the effectiveness of PSTEC!May 20, 2017 at 4:14 pm#24680Brian TuckerPSTEC User
You are absolutely welcome kateguyJune 18, 2017 at 3:37 am#24681Brian TuckerPSTEC User
It's been about a month since my last post. I have been heavily focused on feelings of passivity and powerlessness. I have them almost all gone now and it is amazing how much more free I have become in just a few weeks. It seems as if I have progressed more in the last 8 weeks than I have in the last 8 months total, which is how fast things are just falling away. I have realized at a high level just how widespread these programs are in every area of my life, how blind I was to them and now see how I create situations that keep me passive and powerless. I also continue to see using the why technique how they are all tied to the most random things that make no logical “conscious” sense and many of them I forgot about or possibly even suppressed. I would strongly suggest anyone who has any feelings of passivity, passive aggressiveness and powerlessness to clear those immediately.
On the “why technique” a method that has revealed my largest patterns
Step 1 – Tapping accelerator – ask why
Step 2 – 2015 wrapper track – continue scanning everything so far and ask why as more comes up, wrap it all up
Step 3 – 2015 long track – continue asking why throughout every one in a while
If issue still exists run another tapping accelerator and another 2015 long.
I realized that all of my powerlessness mostly comes from watching my mother who was passive and my father who was also very passive to my stepmother and how all of those story lines have shaped my current reality. At one point I was transported to a specific event with my mother, father and stepmother involved I was about 7 years old I had completely forgot this (suppressed) and even had to call my mom to jog her memory and she did remember it. After I removed all of this I felt profoundly different about a day later.
I also have a consistent pattern at work of attracting situations or powerlessness when I travel hard to explain but the feelings are all related to my high school days. My father was a principal at a high school and my stepmother did not want me to be at home so I had to go with my father to school every day 40 miles away, hang out there and watch TV while he worked 7 hours a day. You can see where this would create extreme powerlessness having no one I know around me to hang out with, no choice in the matter, no money to spend, no car to get around, feeling trapped and acting the victim as if I was robbed of my freedom and summers as a kid, not wanted at home, I am bad, an irritation, rejected etc.
Some other things that I have removed using “why technique” These are a great example of what a person's subconscious will collect and use to try and “protect” you but just what you saw.
“The wall” aka you feel like you have a wall up, a barrier, and guard up, defensive in life. This went back to a few painful intimate relationships though what really made “the wall” reinforced more than anything else was a roommate that lived me for three months in college. I had completely forgot about this (maybe it was suppressed) and once it popped in using the technique all of those feelings came back. A few minutes later the wall was gone from my life.
This led to all sorts of other anger from old roommates and that all cleared out nicely. Things around my house are at an all-time peace and calm, go figure. hehe
I had this funky belief that I can't put into words in fact many of these are at the point where they aren't a “belief” per se it is more of what I saw (the instructions) and energy behind it. I would even say to my wife and kids ” the only things in the house that belong to me are the clothes in my closet, my electronics and my car the rest belongs to you guys” well this went back to the instructions and energy of being in a divorce family and visiting my father's house every other weekend all I had was a set of clothes for Saturday, church clothes for Sunday and my tv and boombox. Again look how this storyline using the technique revealed across my entire life a theme of “I am temporary, I have only enough to get by, I am an irritation, I am not wanted etc.” I would not say those are the belief statements but the best I can put what I saw into words. Yet again this was making me behave all sorts of wacky ways.
I got back to my very first bout with depression that was job related. This caused me to lose a job when I was about 20 and now I see how this same pattern of events has affected my entire work career and burdened me with battling productivity. Not that this is gone all of those feelings and symptoms at work are GONE.
I also recalled another big storyline. When my parents divorced I had to live in two separate homes in two separate towns alternating weekends. This caused me to basically live two different lives for about 5 years. Friends, family, home, rules, clothes, church you name it and it was all awkward. The good that came out of it is that I am able to adapt to nearly any situation of ambiguity though there is a massive about of normal “feelings” that ran in me 24×7 that when cleared was yet again a profound change starting about two hours later. Once I removed this (took about 4 hours) I had the largest tipping point “collapse” over a 36 hour period I have ever had. Hundreds of events and feelings would come into my reality at full throttle and then fade into oblivion. Things I never even thought of or remembered, never clicktracked, and so many things I think and feel every day all like they never happened now. This has taken me so far out there I feel as if I am completely out of day to day pain now. Overall I feel like a feather floating in the air.
I am sure this has helped but I have also listened to no more anxiety for 67 days now. More and more dread came up and I just kept working on it. One day I needed to go out of town and the dread came in so hard like never ever before I cleared it and the why technique showed me how much anxiety I have with traveling and leaving my house for any reason, I suspect this might be categorized as agoraphobia but I could never see it as it was normal to me. This and so many social phobias I can’t even put names on them, just a past experience being replayed in the present for no reason.
More to come. Keep going.June 22, 2017 at 3:35 pm#24682Brian TuckerPSTEC User
Two more great discoveries:
I always have thoughts/fear that clients are going to want to renegotiate my rate and short change me. Clicktracked it went back to my dad giving me my allowance and deducting money as a penalty for things that “I didn't do” around the house which had no set rules.
Every day I get tired all day at work off an on for years and years. Went back to the second job I worked overnights at a radio starting 14 years old. I would put the speaker phone on and run tapes 58 minutes, sleep in lobby during the 58 minutes run in and do the weather and station id then another 58 min sleep 10x for a 10 hour shift. Took me right to that. no more tiredness during the day anymore.
Also did some clicktracking on dread using the process in my last post. Then listened to no more anxiety as usual and two days later a big collapse and dread is gone.
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